Hoover attempts with gifts

Started by eternallystuck, May 11, 2019, 04:20:54 AM

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eternallystuck

I just replied this to someone else's post, but I figured it would be a good topic here. Does anyone experience this after a particular pd blowout?

I've found this a key functioning of most NPD's - their thirst for publicised acts of grandiosity (often financial) whilst starving their closest family members emotionally & mentally behind doors. It costs literally nothing to be loving to your foo, yet they somehow can't manage it.

My npd m has often tried to hoover me back in cheap ways, often when I am just way too mad/or down to swallow the tension with her/sweep stuff Uber the rug again. 'Oh do you want me to buy that 5.99 top?' As if that is going to erase the collateral damage she's done to my life. She really thinks she can buy my trust with these cheap acts& avoid feeling guilt for what she does. Gifts don't mend things, gifts aren't an apology, an excuse for being a horrid person. They're not a gag. A fish on a hook. Changed behaviour & sincerity is the only thing that can right those wrongs.

Npd's Love the big gifts thing & offering to buy things because it makes them look generous, albeit in a superficial way. Even rich kids, do their piles of designer gifts make up for a missing father? Do gifts make up for a lost childhood, or connection? I don't think so. Most of us value connections over material things...& despite this they somehow manage to make the victim look too privileged to complain. 'She's spoilt, she's probably just ungrateful!'. It's a very successful covert abuse cover up. To PD's gifts are the magic wands that undo all their abuse, they have tangible evidence they 'tried' to be kind...but it means nothing..zilch👀 if anything I just see it as an extension of their narcissism - here take this and shut up, make me look good!

They will often also use these gifts as ammo later. Dunno if anyone else experiences this but my npd with loudly in public use this as ammo 'hUH! After me buying you x or giving u z! Ungrateful!' So everyone around you will think you're just a brat...not a human with emotions who is sick & tired of the manipulation

I never went without at Xmas or bdays but the gifts were never personal to me. For example I've always been into art & books but never received anything related to that. In fact funnily enough my m would praise my talents in public & humiliate me behind close doors, mocking my art, threaten to throw it away etc.  It would always be something she thought I liked, but wasn't something I could make use for. For example sometimes I got a newer version of something I already had..even tho I'd been saving up for something else like a camera. Xmas for me was always a reminder how little my M knew me & how much she relied on me playing a role to get her supply.

I've always favoured sincerity. Some of my ex bfs got me fairly cheap gifts but there was thought behind them& so I valued them more. But even so I naturally view gifts as supiciois because of my M & the fact some gifts came just before I found a partner cheating (not all, but some did). 

When people think you're ungrateful for these gifts or offers to yourself or your daughters, sons etc just remind them  'material things don't make up for human connection' & that should give them a reality check.

Personally gifts don't mean much to me unless there is thought behind them & it's in a context of sincerity, not to lull someone back into a false sense of security

clara

Yes, I have definitely noticed it.  It's especially vile when it's done with a child who doesn't really know what's going on, but even with adults it hurts to realize that their "gift" is nothing but a  bribe.  That the only meaning behind it is totally self-reflective and has nothing to do with you.  And the kicker is, you can't turn down the gift, or question it, because that will often stir up more trouble than it's worth, plus it will have no effect on the PD--they'll continue to engage in the behavior.

I'm sorry you experienced this with your mom, eternallystuck.  I know how you feel because while my father wasn't PD, he was an alcoholic and alcoholic behavior is similar to PD in a lot of ways.  Gifts were only given out of a sense of obligation (because it was expected) or because he wanted me to acknowledge what a great dad he really was and how I was a rotten, unappreciative child if I didn't make a fuss over every little thing (and it was very little, really) he gave to me or did for me.  He wanted outsized emotions from me while his own efforts were minimal and usually insincere.  He wanted me to play the "good" child while constantly changing the rules of what qualified as good.  I was lucky I had a few normal but influential adults in my life to counteract this behavior and make me recognize it as not what healthy parents do.  And my uNPDexh would do it when he feared I was starting to see the truth about him and reconsidering the relationship.  He wouldn't so much as give me the time of day normally, but after an argument where I'd refuse to accept his belittling/criticism of me, he'd resort to the gift-giving to get me to forgive and forget.  And as expected, the gifts would be something odd and nothing having to do with anything I either wanted or needed, because he didn't know what I wanted or needed and didn't really care about me enough to find out.  All for show, indeed!

Spygirl

I have a great story about this!

When my stbxnpdh had his 50th birthday,
I was FORBIDDEN to throw a party. We were only allowed to go out to dinner. I was disappointed, because knowing him, he would have relished the attention. It was wierd.

Flash forward to MY 50th birthday, and i actually was not wanting a party. Really, it was another day. My h begged me to let him plan one. I said "ok, whatever you want to do, but its your gig"
So he invites all these people, over half his friends just there to eat, and i had to cut and serve the cake, help set up the food, decorate, blah blah. I was so busy attending to everyone else i didnt get to be the guest of honor at my own party! What was he doing? Drinking, eating, socializing about the great party he did for me!
It was a complete show.
I was actually thinking at the time " i bet hes lamenting to everyone how sad he was that he did not have a party, so they believe i am a horrible wife"

I left 6 months later. That was one of the last straws.

Ariel

This is so true for me. All my life I was told how good my mother was to me because she bought me all these things. Nevermind that even as a child all I wanted was for her not to yell at me hit me and put me down. In my adult life she bought expensive gifts, paid for part of my kids college tuition. Yes this was generous but everything came with strings. I took them as a figured that was all she had to give. Also I felt that it was a payment , that I earned it for taking all the abuse ( now that sounds sick)  But I figured that I would still be abused whether I took it or not so my kids should benefit. But this is what she does to her family she offers substantial financial gifts but then you hear it your whole life about how much she gave and how unappreciative you are.
Eternally stuck, gifts don't mean that much to me either. A nice card or a simple thoughtful gift means more, or spending time with someone is the best. I tried telling my pdm that gifts couldn't make up for love and security, it only got her madder, no reality check. Because she does nothing wrong we always do

LemonLime

I recognize this.  My uBPD sibling raged at me for "insulting her by not doing my share of grocery shopping" for our grandmother's birthday party.   She and I didn't speak for a few months, and then she gave me a gift for no reason.   Then she accused me of "not being willing to forgive her".   So I figured out that instead of an apology, she gave me a gift.   And that the gift was IN PLACE of an apology.  A substitute.   And that the expectation was that since I accepted the gift,  the slate was wiped clean.   That she owed me nothing more.    WOW.  So she was pretty upset when I finally put 2 and 2 together, and let her know that our relationship was still as damaged as before, and that she was not off the hook.   I won't fall for it again, but I surely am a slow learner.   Thing is, if I had not accepted the gift, I would have been in trouble for being "ungrateful and unforgiving".     So I accept the gift, and I am in trouble for being "ungrateful and unforgiving".  Ahhhhh...... such is the no-win of being in a relationship with uBPD.   Actually I'd be fine with no apology, if she would just get some professional help and stop raging at me and others.   Or even if she did not get professional help but would stop raging at me and others.   I have a pretty low bar at this point.  This is just so painful.

Ariel

Kat 1984, she won't change, she won't apologize, she will still rage anyway. So you just need to remove yourself, protect yourself.She probably won't get help as she probably believes she is fine,it's just everyone else. She won't change.i am just realizing this, 56 years too late. They don't change so you have to look out for you

eternallystuck

Ariel
QuoteYes this was generous but everything came with strings. I took them as a figured that was all she had to give. Also I felt that it was a payment , that I earned it for taking all the abuse ( now that sounds sick)  But I figured that I would still be abused whether I took it or not so my kids should benefit. But this is what she does to her family she offers substantial financial gifts but then you hear it your whole life about how much she gave and how unappreciative you are.

I totally feel you on that ! & that's the exact point im making. PD's are so good at hoovering us in bc naturally u want a relationship with ur m & if ur feeling low & they're offering some cheap ass gift to hoover you, you're likely to take it...but as you said there is always strings. If you refuse you're 'ungrateful', if you take it there's unrealistic expectations everything is mended & under the bridge. But material one off gifts do not make up for years of pain, years of hurting someone.

I have also done the same sometimes, took the odd bits off money or gifts off them bc hey, they're gonna be PD anyway, might aswell take some compensation. But I'm learning sometimes that's where we are playing right into their hand. My npd gma also does this.. for example offering you a tenner when you're pretty skint but next time you meet & cant stand her manipulative histrionic & sometimes criminal episodes that innocent tenner is used against you , in public, so everyone can hear how 'ungrateful' you are.

My biggest realisation from this is to be self reliant & refuse random offers /gifts unless it's bday or Xmas. Bc otherwise it's simply an excuse for them to look generous & Make you look needy, stubborn or ungrateful


Ariel

Eternally grateful,yes you are right they will hold everything against you.  But no matter what you do they will hold stuff against you. I took abuse so she would still fund my daughter's education finally she stopped. I felt like crap but I felt like crap anyway around her. But looking back it's not worth it . Low contact, low attachment. The thing is you can't win with them
BUT win for you. Protect you. The more you protect yourself the. More mad they get. They will get mad anyway
So love you
Protect you. So I don't know if you are religious but this has recently helped me, There is nothing you can do to make God love you more and nothing you can do make God love you less, You are loved unconditionally . Never receiving that from my mom, knowing this is the ultimate love helped me. I could never do enough to be loved. Just realized I was looking for it in the wrong place. God always has loved you