Saying no without JADEing??

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Brooke

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Saying no without JADEing??
« on: July 24, 2019, 01:32:04 PM »
Hello all

My H and I are surrogate parents to our adult nieces. Their mother has issues and we strongly suspect she has NPD or something even more severe.

One of girls has a young son and she is always hitting up the family for money. She usually pays us back (moreso than other family members, so she usually comes to us last bc we are the ones who insist on repayment), but we are getting tired of feeling used.

She's always claiming she can't feed her son because she knows that is the one thing that will make us all look like monsters if we say no to it.

She lives in a place with very strong welfare benefits - housing would be completely paid for if she chose to accept it. But she wants her own large house with a yard. Forget that you need to have money to do that.

Anyway, I'm sick of us crying poverty the times we do say no. So last time I just outlined what we had helped her out with for the last few months and I simply said "So we're not going to be able to help this time." My first attempt not to JADE with her on some level. But then again I guess explaining how much we had given her was a JADE... :stars:

Anyway ... how do you just say no with no explanation without sounding like a cold-hearted B? I've read some posts recently on using curiosity to help but I still get that pit in my stomach whenever I see a text from her.

Grateful for any advice.

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momnthefog

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Re: Saying no without JADEing??
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2019, 04:12:34 PM »
Brooke,

I'm reminded that......"No is a complete sentence."

Often I create the need to justify, explain, and defend in my my mind.

I give my answer and then keep on talking....when what I should say is no....and leave it at that.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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pony

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Re: Saying no without JADEing??
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2019, 05:36:32 PM »
Iíve started a policy where I might give/lend money once but the next time warrants a good look at finances, a budget, and a savings plan. I volunteer to do it or refer to the local folks who will do it. (Salvation Army, military, VA, etc depending). So far, no takers. 😝

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Brooke

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Re: Saying no without JADEing??
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2019, 10:43:32 PM »
Iíve started a policy where I might give/lend money once but the next time warrants a good look at finances, a budget, and a savings plan. I volunteer to do it or refer to the local folks who will do it. (Salvation Army, military, VA, etc depending). So far, no takers. 😝

 ;D ;D ;D

Great idea!

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Brooke

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Re: Saying no without JADEing??
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2019, 10:44:02 PM »
Brooke,

I'm reminded that......"No is a complete sentence."

Often I create the need to justify, explain, and defend in my my mind.

I give my answer and then keep on talking....when what I should say is no....and leave it at that.

momnthefog

Thank you for that reminder!  :-*