Complex step family problem

[reynart]

I got together with my other half in 2012. She has one son, now aged 22 who lives with us. He is a creative artist but has barely earned anything to date since graduating last summer and his mother is putting him under no pressure whatsoever. He is certainly talented but seems to have no understanding that talent needs to be accompanied by hard work and exertion. Unless all my life lessons are worthless then this is unrealistic. So in my late 50s I get up at 6.30 each day, go off to work and do a 50 hour stressful week whereas they both get up late (rarely before 10am in his case) and make no financial contribution whatsoever to our household costs. He is the archetypal pampered son; he never does any household chores voluntarily. Essentially I think they have a narcissistic relationship and she is scared of putting him under pressure. His father has emigrated to America and has cut off all contact.

I have really tried to discuss this with both of them. I got him on his own last year - I said it was important to pursue one's dreams but asked him to recognise it was quite possible he would be professionally successful but penniless; I specifically suggested he should do some gig economy work to fit round his artistic opportunities, and he agreed but then did not take any action. Of course his artistic career could really take off but it seems to me very high risk - he could end up at 40 depressed and penniless. She does about 8 hours tutoring a week from home but she has not made any attempt to increase her hours to subsidise his expenses - she is just getting herself further and further into debt because she cannot bring herself to ask him to do any paid work. I think he has earned about £5,000 in the year since graduating so way short of a viable income.

So basically I am feeling trapped - I feel we are not a real family unit because my views are being ignored.  I don't want to live in our neighbourhood in retirement - it is a commuter town and we live in a noisy road. I don't want him living with us ad infinitum but I cannot see how he is ever going to earn enough independently to move out - and why would he when he is being waited on hand and foot? So short of threatening to separate I don't see a practical way forward for our relationship. Basically I feel there are three of us in this relationship and I don't want to get married because I feel the financial demands will be never ending.

I have tried to discuss this with close friends but, although they agree it is an intractable problem, they don't have any solutions. She is in many ways a wonderful person but has gone through life always depending on family for financial support and she is setting him off on the same path. Any ideas welcome.

[notrightinthehead]

This is a tricky situation. It sounds like your SO does not mind looking after her son. The two come as a package deal and your choice is to accept that or draw consequences.

Remember: As much as we want to - we cannot change others unless they want to change. So you will have to decide in the end if she is wonderful enough for you that you will be able to put up with the rest or not. As a first step, you could start putting boundaries into place - maybe you could decide how much financial support you are willing to give.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Reynart,

Sadly, I have to agree with the other post, you have to decide if this is something you are willing to put up with or not.  If you have let them know you want support in the financial contributions, and they have not stepped up,  I doubt there is little you can do to change that situation.  Whatever you do to try to salvage it will likely damage the relationship (i.e. putting in place a household budget).  I'm don't know much about your relationship, but if my input was being ignored, I would really question how much my partner/spouse cares about my well being....and to me that is everything in a good relationship.

What's interesting to me is that if you were no longer there to support them, at least one, maybe both would have to get a job. 

[athene1399]

Have you made your views clear? Are you okay with how little your SO is working, or is that part of your problem as well? I'm just asking because if her son feels you are holding her to a different standard than him that may cause problems. But if you are okay with the hours she works because she does house chores, then maybe voice this to the son.
However, I feel this will come down to what are you okay with and what are you willing to let go. You cannot control if he does or doesn't work/helps out around the house. On the other hand, it is incredibly frustrating to feel that no one is listening to your needs or what is stressing you out.

It sounds to me that he was on his own, but moved back in. Maybe tell your SO that it's okay for him to stay there while he gets back on his feet, but you expect him to do x while staying with you guys. After all, he is staying with you. It is your home and not his. Maybe just let them know there are some rules you would like followed, like cleaning up after yourself, taking steps to get a job, ect, but these rules apply to everyone (you included).