I just had her served

[openskyblue]

Push it, you are one courageous person. I can imagine how hard all this has been, but you've gotten through step one and two  — getting yourself out of the home-based abuse and formally starting the abuse process.

I know it must be lousy staying in a hotel, but at least you won't have Cathy Bates standing over you in the middle of the night — or go to sleep at night worried about that. Can you get a small apartment where you can make a foothold on creating a safe space for yourself and your kids? If they can come and visit you, see that you are safe, and experience a home where they can be themselves without the constant control of the PD parent, well that's huge — no matter how barebones your place may be at first.

My advice: Keep documenting and make sure your lawyer knows your ex will do anything — even things that make no sense and may be counter to her own best interests. Lawyers know the law, not psychology, and you have to educate even the best ones on this.

You are doing great! Hang in there. I'm rooting for you!

[pushit]

Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate that!

I rented a 4 BR house, lease starts today.  Moving in tomorrow.  I'm very lucky to have family close and they've been very supportive.  Between us all we've figured out how to furnish it, so I don't have to buy much.  I feel that I'm extremely lucky in that I have support and adequate finances to make this work.  I really feel for people that don't have the resources I have and are dealing with PD abuse, if I didn't have a solid exit route this would be extremely tough.

My lawyer has a bachelors in psychology and used to deal with abusive situations, I think he worked for a government agency before going to law school.  So, he gets it.

[openskyblue]

Congratulations on renting the house! Sounds like you are working with all burners. Fingers crossed for you!

[hhaw]

You're truly fortunate, pushit.  Particularly to have such an informed, and hopefully competent L.

It sounds like the kids will roll right into a comfortable living situation with you. 

I hope you can start some new rituals all your own.  Maybe some new recipes around the holidays.  Letting the kids bake their own birthday cakes, with everyone else helping.  Brunch traditions, etc. 

They grow up fast.  These days will be gone before you know it, so really look the kids in the eye, and be present with them.

Maybe start a notebook about the kids, what you do with them, what they say..... my kids say the funniest things, and I'd have forgotten most of them if I didn't write them down.  The kids enjoy reading over them together, and going through their baby books, and mementos every once in a while.  It's meaningful to them. 

I'm sure your kids will have interests that give you ideas: )

[pushit]

openskyblue - Thanks again for your support, it means a lot.  Yes - Working fast and furious to equalize the situation, things are looking very good at this point.  The kids are the focus here, and getting them into a stable house is paramount.

Hhaw - You're right, no doubt I'm fortunate.  When this is all over I want to find a way to help people that are living in abusive situations.  I've never experienced this before and it has been a HUGE eye-opener.  It's so scary how this stuff happens right in front of all of us, but people don't see it.

The kids are doing great.  I had a fantastic day with them today.  We went to my new house, they picked their bedrooms, and loved the basement with a pool table and a stage for them to do performances!  (They love doing plays and singing, so it's a perfect fit)  I'm going to dress it up with some lighting and fun things.  After they saw the house, we went shopping and I let them pick out all the stuff they wanted to decorate their bedrooms and the upstairs bathroom.  It was all fun.

One great note from today - I told my kids that I'd be sleeping in the new house tomorrow night, and mom and I need to figure out when they will stay with me/her.  My oldest said - "Awww, I want to sleep there tomorrow night!"  That felt so good to hear!  Man, I love them.

Traditions - I totally hear you on this.  So many great ideas were smothered by my stbx while we were married.  I never felt like I was allowed to be the dad I want to be, and the kids haven't been allowed to be who they are.  That's really what I want now, just for us to be allowed to be who we are, without everything decided for us.  The kids and I get along so well, and when we have time together in our house we will be able to create all our own memories and decide things for ourselves.  I like the ideas you gave me, so if you have any more keep them coming.

Thanks all, and my best wishes to you.

[pushit]

Hi all - Just checking in again.  Things are actually going very well, compared to all that I had feared.  Won't go into too many details, but after I moved into my house the tables turned big time.  Some serious missteps on her side, and the kids have been with me for a week now and will be with me for another 4 days.  Our attorneys agreed the kids would be with me during this time and she would request no parenting time.  In 4 days we will begin a 50/50 parenting schedule. 

I'm sure there are still storms to come, as there have been many accusations leveled at me but they've been ridiculous (and untrue) so far and the accusations have  backfired on her.  I'm sure she's reloading, but with everything she's done so far her credibility is already damaged.

The kids and I are doing really well.  I can tell this is hard on them, as tears start flowing at the slightest altercation while they're playing with each other.  Trying to be very gentle with them right now, but still setting some healthy boundaries for them in my new house.

Some new things that are going very well:
Morning routine - They wake up 45 minutes before we leave for school, we listen to their choice of music and have breakfast, get dressed and ready.  They have time to be a little goofy and don't have to rush.  We've been leaving the house smiling and laughing.  Big difference from being awakened 10 minutes before they leave and hearing constant shouting of "hurry up!" from a frenzied stbx.  (I certainly won't miss those mornings)
Driving to school - They love music and singing along, I've had nonstop requests for certain songs in the car and we sing our way to school.  Big difference from being put in the car half dressed and crying.
Tonight we started a Friday night tradition:  Make your own pizzas and watch a movie together.  It was a blast.  More traditions to come.
In general - It's just way more calm in this house.  I know it will take awhile and none of us are used to the "new normal" yet, but I can already tell the kids will be more relaxed when they are here.

One thing I know - Man, I'm exhausted!!  Acting as a single dad for a week, making lunches, figuring out their after school activities, scheduling after school care, juggling my work, moving into a new house, can't take any furniture from the marital house so I had to buy stuff, dealing with a divorce and attacks from stbx and her attorney.  All this with very little cooperation from stbx.  She packed our house up completely without my knowledge so I had no clothes for the kids, no backpacks, etc.  Had to go buy all this stuff.  I still don't know where half our belongings are, last time I was in the house all shelves were bare and there were 50+ boxes packed.  Still need to sort that out, but it's small potatoes now.  She dropped everything last weekend.  The kids weren't signed up for any after school care, and all the communication to the schools came from me as far as I know.  But, that should all look good for me in the future.

Again, I'm so thankful for:  1. All of you for listening  2. My family that went above and beyond to help buy things, help financially, loan/give me furniture, drop everything to help this week  3. My work for being understanding  4. The kids' schools for being understanding. 5. Last, but not least, my attorney who has been VERY good so far.

We're really in pretty good shape and things could be a lot worse.  This is a trip through hell, but you gotta look around and be thankful for what you have.  Stay strong my friends!!!

[Whiteheron]

I'm so glad to hear you and the kids are happy and relaxed, and creating new traditions. Way to go!

It is exhausting, I can completely relate. I was essentially a single mom while married to stbx, so the transition wasn't that different for me or the kids, since they were used to me doing everything for/with them anyways. What is exhausting is doing all of this on top of having to deal with the emotional abuse coming from stbx's L and through the court (via affidavits, etc). He just won't stop. It's always something he claims I'm not doing, or should have done, or should not have done 5 years ago when...

It's been two years of this nonsense (I've only been out of the house for a year). I'm done. I have created peace, relaxation, and a safe space for the kids. He can't take that away. But having to deal with his narc injury and trying not to let it penetrate my new world is tiring. On the days I don't have the kids, instead of getting things straightened out, organized, unpacked, I literally collapse on the couch with the cat and sleep.

It will get better. I know it will. I love your positive attitude! You are doing great things for your kids.

[openskyblue]

It sounds like you and your kids are already benefitting from this separation from your stbx. The comparison of the morning routines you wrote was pretty diagnostic of the difference between a PD-run family and a nonPD-run one. I'm betting it will not be long before your kids want to spend the bulk of their time with you.

Hang in there, single dad! You are doing better than great.

[hhaw]

I don't understand what stbx DID with all the house.... stuff.

The kids backpacks.  The clothes.  THe stuff on the shelves.

And.... I'm so curious.  I must know.
WHAT did the stbx DO that surprised you?  What did she accuse you of....
::sigh::.

Never mind. 

I will content myself to know you're doing well with kiddos, and holding your own.

Having a good attorney is HUGE, IME.

[Spygirl]

You sound so.much less stressed, perhaps more rested? Thats such a wonderful thing for all of you.

It is amazing when you get away isn't it? How fearful we are of the unknown. I am cheering for you!

[pushit]

Hi all - Just wanted to give a quick update.  We're rolling fairly smooth here.  I'm certainly enjoying my own house, and when the kids are with me it's peaceful beyond belief for all of us.  We're doing 50/50 time right now, but no court orders set yet.

Simple, normal, healthy adjustments.  No unpredictable "rules" about what they're/we're supposed to be doing......nah, if you want to play by yourself or go read a book in your room you can feel free to do that.  We don't have to all be together or love all the same things at the same time.  They love it! 

Getting them used to some new boundaries though.  If you make a mess.....you need to clean it up before your next project.  In the past it was do whatever you want, then expect mom to clean it up for you and the guilt trips would come from mom.  Now, it's ok to make a mess but it needs to be cleaned up and put away before the next project gets started.  Honestly, they're great kids and I just need to reinforce some of the basics they learn at school so it's all good.

Some observations:
- My son: Watched him play with action figures in the basement by himself, showing his introverted side.  Seemed very natural, he was cruising along, staging scenarios, just having fun by himself.  I was very much that way as a child, it's interesting to see that come out now in him.  I hadn't seen that before.
- My girls: On the way to Saturday ballet this morning, much joking around and smiling. Singing loudly to the music in the car and laughing along with each other.  Much different than seeing my 6 year old hide from mom when it was time to go to ballet two months ago.
- In general: The kids are doing great when they're with me.  It's a huge weight off my shoulders to see that they're so relaxed in my house and with the routine I've set for them.   I have no idea about when they're with mom, but that's out of my control.  I hope mom's doing well and they're all happy during those times.

Hopefully things only continue to get better.

Hhaw - In response to your questions:  Oh my friend, I want to share all the crazy stuff I've seen so far with you.  I know you want to know, and it's good stuff, but I need to wait until everything is settled.  I just don't want to share too much on a public forum.  When it's it's finalized I'd be happy to share the craziness with everyone.

[Whiteheron]

Great job, pushit! Your kids will never forget that you created a safe, stable place for them where they are free to express themselves and discover who they really are.

[openskyblue]

Thanks so much for sharing those views into your new home life. Just warms my heart!

Sometimes I think we don't realize just what a gift it is to give kids a stable, supportive home. It's golden stuff, medicine. It really sounds like you and your kids are finding your way together into the family you need and deserve. Doesn't get better than that. Bravo, pushit!

[pushit]

Hi Everyone!  I realized it's been A WHILE, so I owe you an update!   

Most importantly, the kids are doing GREAT.  They've really settled into themselves at my house.  So much great behavior that I never saw before - today the kids played outside: invented games, played in the dirt and got dirty for a couple hours, then had a blast in the bath tub for an hour.  I can see how free they feel - there are boundaries at my house for sure, but the boundaries are predictable and they have the ability to be themselves like they hadn't experienced before.  They have a ton of fun here and they know they are loved.

Myself - Man, lots of changes in me so far.  I'm healing, and have a long way to go.  I've noticed my behavior towards the kids has changed in the last month.  A month ago I could snap and tell them not to do something, and now I've realized that was my old fear that SHE was going to walk in the door and think WE were doing something wrong (to be blamed on ME).  It was the fear of that infinitely unpredictable confrontation.  Like today, the kids were playing in the dirt and spraying water, I was able to smile and remember that I used to get dirty as a kid.  While we were all living together, that would have been totally unacceptable and if she saw that all hell would have broken loose.    Now, what the heck?    They were being so curious and just having fun.  So yeah, I let 'em do it until the fun ran out and then offered up a bath to get cleaned up.  They took the offer, played in the tub for an hour and then got ready to go to out to dinner with my family.

Bottom line on that - I think I'm finally releasing some of the stress of living with her.  I really feel like I'm starting to be able to be the dad I know I am.  It's a great feeling, and just in the last 6-8 weeks my relationship with my kids has improved.

Regarding the divorce - Yeah, it's/she's a pain.  She has been a master of stalling/manipulation/control/whatever you want to call it.  I'm $10k in, and nothing in writing yet.  But, Good Lord, I've gotten so much peace so far.  Looking back - to her isolating the kids from me, scolding and screaming at me like I'm a child in front of the kids, marginalizing me as a human, trying to forcefully shove me back into the basement of my own home.     That was so ugly, and I can't believe I lived like that.  Now - only email and text messages of her trying to control things "politely", subtle manipulation that I'll gladly show the courts if that time comes.  She's still very manipulative, but it's under control.  I can receive her messages and respond in due time.  My lawyer has things under control, and I think it's just a game of time until it's all in writing (hopefully).

I now have the kids 50% of the time, they love being with me, and she can't control what we do.  Now, things are out in the real world and she is way more "cooperative" than before.  It ain't over, but it's amazing how well PDs will behave when it's out in the public eye.

Stay strong my friends, and thanks for your support.

[Spygirl]

I think an early Happy Father's Day is in order! Con gratulations on your progress and journey ahead.

[Jsinjin]

This is an inspiration!   What a difficult but ever climbing path you have been on.

[openskyblue]

Wow! Pushit, I'm full of admiration for you over here. Talk about braving the storm and coming out the other side.

Very happy for you and your kids!

[hhaw]

PI:

I really love reading about your time with the kids.  Just letting them play, and get dirty in nature.... YES!

Have you figured out how the kids will spend their summer?  Do you have childcare in place for your time yet?

We always did a check in at bedtime.... one on one.... what was the the thorn in your day... what was the rose?

I know I missed being present during the divorce with my kids.  I wish I'd have looked them in the eye, really looked, and connected deeply more often.  I have a journal of things they did and said.  You might want to write some of them down, bc the really cute stuff is hard to remember, IME. 

I'm glad you have extended family close by, supporting you.

That's terrific.