Not sure what to do

[Sojourner17]

I have been vvvlc since last fall. I didn't contact my mom on mother's day. It's been a couple of months since I have talked to her on the phone.
I got a text yesterday asking if I celebrate mother's day anymore? I didn't respond.
Today my mom texted again. She's going through pictures as they are moving. Every one she packs of me her heart breaks. She never expected to be estranged.
Yesterday when I got the MD text it seemed passive aggressive. I chose to not respond because of this  and bc an honest response (ie I don't celebrate md) seemed to me would make things worse.
The text today leaves me feeling sad and aweful. Is my heart toward my mom growing cold? I don't hate her. I don't know what I want anymore.
This is her baring her heart/hurt.  I'm sure she feels awful.
I feel awful. I don't know what to say... so I say nothing.
I can't fix this, I don't know how. I keep praying that God will make a way, that He is working things out even though I don't see it.
How do I handle this text? It's almost like a one two punch... hit with passive aggressive anger then a left hook of induced guilt.
Am I reading too much in to this? How can any good come out of this?

[WomanInterrupted]

She's using the G in FOG - guilt - to do a number on your head.   

What I got out of that, "Don't you celebrate MD anymore?" text was a *jab* that you didn't call her - she didn't wish you a belated happy MD, just wondered if you celebrate it.   

And yeah, all the old pictures make her cry, my ass.  More like fume silently and call you names that you don't know about.    

She's reaching out because she's getting *desperate* - she didn't get her MD supply, got no response to her "hint" that you should call or text, so then she had to sock it to you over the photos.

What I'd do if I were you - stay the course and say nothing.  Learn to live with the discomfort, and let it leave.  You did *nothing* wrong in not calling or texting somebody who only cares about herself.

She's trying to provoke you into responding - it won't be a happy call.  It'll probably be all her anger, unleashed on you for *denying her what she feels she is OWED.*

In fact, you owe her *nothing.*  She can think whatever she wants, but that doesn't mean it's true.   

If your mother were serious about wanting to have a relationship with you, she'd call you and apologize.  She hasn't done that, so this is all a guilt-inducing HOOVER.   

It sounds like you're getting closer to indifference about your mother.  Sure, you don't want her to hurt, but you're not responsible for her moods, and how she feels really isn't your problem.  Indifference, in a way, does make us colder - and stronger.  We're more resilient, when people blare the FOGhorn at us, and know we don't have to jump to issue a response.   

If you don't know what to say to your mother or don't want to talk to her and open a can of worms, that's OKAY.  You're ALLOWED to have that boundary and maintain your silence *if it makes you feel more comfortable and insulated.*   

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

This is so familiar. My mum has done the same sort of hoovering after ignoring me for months at a time. She sends gifts randomly too and then uses them as an excuse to text and call constantly asking if I got it or like it or whatever. I caved the first few times and she sucked me back into crazy town. I'm not falling for that again.

[Spring Butterfly]

This hurts

The text today leaves me feeling sad and aweful. Is my heart toward my mom growing cold? I don't hate her. I don't know what I want anymore. This is her baring her heart/hurt.  I'm sure she feels awful.

and I know that feeling. Yes everyone who is suddenly faced with reaping what they've sown is sorry to realize they didn't sow having in mind what they wanted to reap. They spread toxic chemicals to kill everything in sight and want to see a garden of flowers as a result. If you want flowers then you plant carefully, water with kind words, remove unwanted weedlike behaviors that are shallow and suck the life from plants and prune hurtful behaviors.

In reality uPDm chose not to listen or respond to me baring my heart and destroyed what she had by raging and passive aggressive attacks. Time and again she raged and attached for no reason until the fear grew inside me I had to opt for self preservation.

Nothing had changed. From time to time someone in our community will speak of uPDm behavior and moods. She's still at it, just not with me.

With LC of any sort, once we back away to a safe distance it can seem like things have changed or that maybe we've grown cold in some way. Maybe we don't have reason for backing away as far as we have, we feel sad, question reality. That's gaslighting our own selves!

No she didn't expect to be estranged because she expected you to continue to swallow her abuse and say thank you very much instead of walking away saying no thanks.

You were left with a choice of walking away from yourself or walking away from her and that's still your choice. She made you make that choice and that's really not your problem or fault.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Such good advice and insight here.

Your mother is showing her heart... and she is expressing that she feels sorry for herself. She is not showing any interest in genuine relationship repair. She is showing no sense of her part in how you became estranged, or any wish to understand.

She is throwing all the guilt on to you, just like WI says.  Oh, poor me, alone on Mother's Day, and just looking at photos of Sojourner is breaking my poor wronged heart. Take it to Nashville and sing it there, lady.

I get the FOG! Just went through a bout of hoovering with my sister, and eventually chose to be the and do NOTHING. It does feel awful, but not because I'm feeling like I'm doing something wrong anymore. It feels awful to acknowledge, once again, that my sister does not actually care about me. Or at least cares so little that it doesn't even matter, in the face of her self-importance. It feels awful to face who she has shown herself to be, and accept that it hurts me too much to subject myself to her manipulations any more. If that makes us cold, again, we reap what we sow. Genuine relationship is impossible with such people. We can choose to live with the reality, and the consequences of it. I'm trusting that I will not regret respecting myself over someone who has proven themselves incapable of respect. Like Spring Butterfly says, I had to choose forever appeasing her or loving myself. Once we can cut through the FOG, the truth seems astonishingly simple in my experience.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sojourner17!

We have been following similar paths - I have been NC since December - and the very wise comments here are both comforting and a reality check.

Your description of the texts made me really angry on your behalf. The 'don't you celebrate md anymore' ...just wondering! text is classic passive-aggressive, and the oh woe is me follow up is eye roll inducing. As others have pointed out, this is 100% an effort to make you feel like %$#@. I believe that one of the biggest hurdles for us, as empathic people, is getting over the idea that everybody doesn't think like us. We would not sit around for hours thinking up ways to make somebody else feel guilt ridden and like absolute #@$! (or we might in our imaginations but not act on it), so it doesn't occur to us that other people would. We assume good intentions where they don't exist.

My brave BF does all the communicating when necessary with my M - who I have now christened Negatron; perhaps some of his interactions with her will lend you some insight. As you may recall, back in December I wrote a very fact based letter about exactly what the reasons for my NC were; since then BF has enforced the idea that the NC is really on her – if she wants to make an effort to change, great, if not, well that's her choice. Here's how pretty much every interaction goes:

Negatron: I can't believe Pseudonym would do this to me! I never ever thought she would ABANDON me after EVERYTHING I've done for her! This is so awful for me! I talked to (insert rando stranger who''s nobody's ever heard of before) and they said they're sure it has nothing to do with me! I was the best mother in the world!....blah blah blah.

BF: You know this is entirely on you, right? If you want to have any kind of relationship with her, you need to go see a therapist and change your behavior.

Negatron: ME?? I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. I'M NOT GOING TO LIE!!! And proceeds to lie about everything.

So we are left with is on the one hand she is devastated and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever, and on the other hand if rectifying this situation requires her in any way to acknowledge her behavior that's a non starter. As BF puts it, she will go to her grave before admitting any wrongdoing or accepting any accountability.

I would reframe your mother pouring her heart out as her throwing a tantrum. The great WomanInterrupted has a wonderful analogy of the PD kicking the vending machine that has mysteriously stopped working. You are not giving her what she feels entitled to so she's going through the big book of manipulations that all PDs seem to have to get you to respond.  If you are feeling less, that is a good thing! You have felt way too many emotions for her for way too long. Remember: you are not responsible for another persons feelings. She's a grown up, and she gets to own both her feelings and the repercussions of her actions. You are doing a good thing by no longer enabling her.

[Psuedonym]

....and just in the nick of time, here's a great new video from the great Les Carter on the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxVP8cBPL0M

[Andeza]

Oh Sojourner, you said it yourself, you can't fix this. 

If you try to take ownership for her pain (of which I am skeptical and I'm with Pseudonym this is your M kicking the vending machine) it will only cause you more emotional pain and perhaps even physical problems. We can only hold ourselves responsible for so long before our bodies begin to show signs of the wear and tear. For instance, while pregnant we discovered my thyroid is acting up. Given no environmental stress factors, or known family history, I can only surmise it was from stress (adrenal fatigue?) brought on by dealing with my own uBPDM - who the moment she found out I was pregnant started angling for the chance to stay with us for weeks following the birth, with no plans to actually help out rather just be a knot on a log, talk nonstop about her myriad medical problems, and be the center of attention when there's a brand new, shiny bouncing baby in the house? Yeah no, that didn't happen. So she pitched a fit and months later still hasn't come to visit. I think I'm intended to feel bad about it? Oh well.

Only your M can do anything about the emotional pain she might be enduring. That's all on her. Reap what you sow is very applicable here. The problem with PDs is they think they're special, they're above the basic concepts of karma, or what goes around comes around, whatever you want to call it really. Give love, get love. Simple concept right? Except they want to dish out endless abuse and be unconditionally fawned over despite it.

[moglow]

This part really breaks my heart, that so many understand - and those who need it don't. We truly do reap what we sow - and how many of us have had that said us, as if it doesn't apply universally?

This hurts

The text today leaves me feeling sad and aweful. Is my heart toward my mom growing cold? I don't hate her. I don't know what I want anymore. This is her baring her heart/hurt.  I'm sure she feels awful.

and I know that feeling. Yes everyone who is suddenly faced with reaping what they've sown is sorry to realize they didn't sow having in mind what they wanted to reap. They spread toxic chemicals to kill everything in sight and want to see a garden of flowers as a result. If you want flowers then you plant carefully, water with kind words, remove unwanted weedlike behaviors that are shallow and suck the life from plants and prune hurtful behaviors.

I just want to cry with you and a team and gnash my teeth in frustration! If it helps at all (and believe me I understand that it probably doesn't), try and look at those texts as her expectations. That's all they are and doesn't make it your responsibility. An old friend of mine used as his tagline: Expectations are disappointments under construction.

Being able to step back and really see that simple statement helped me eventually. Admittedly, it took a while because I'd been trained that I was responsible for mother and all that implies. Good or bad happy or sad, laughing or raging - it was all my fault. I was expected to jump up and step to, fix every damn thing to her (often unspoken) specifications, and do it immediately. Only in the last several years have I really begun accepting that I'm no more responsible for her life, decisions, happiness etc than she is mine. And that applies to all of us.

I just wish there were an easier path.

[Sojourner17]

Oh man you all, thank you so much for the responses. Lots of meat to chew on.
I didn't respond to the text. I'm okay for the most part, which says to me I've come a bit further in healing and handling my own emotions and thoughts that come up.
It is really sad that so many of us get what is happening and are in similar circumstances. 😟
It still seems like a one two punch. She couldn't get a response one way so she tried another. I told DH that I envisioned myself doing a block /evasive manoeuvre. Almost like using an attackers momentum against them.  I step out of the way/ my attackers momentum takes them past me and crashing to the floor. Maybe she will learn that it's not doing anything to me but she's the one that keeps falling. Whether or not she will adjust so she stops attacking I don't know.... I just have to keep dodging/using "non violent" "self protective" interventions 
Man it sucks though... in the grand scheme I came off MD fairly good (I feel for those who didn't 😟) but it still sucks.
Liked the kicking the vending machine analogy. I want to get to the place where I feel no hurt and all she gets is a stubbed toe.
Also get the reaping what you sow. All this control control control/ obligation, anger and guilt isn't going to shift things back the way she wants-expects.

Angain, y'all, thank you so much for the words of insight.

[SpunHead13]

I agree with the other responders, she is guilting you.

I know how much the guild hurts, but you are worthy of love, safety and ease. Try to let the guilt go and remind your self why you went VVVLC in the first place.