Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom

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SpunHead13

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Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« on: May 12, 2019, 06:57:21 PM »
Today is mothers day (Canada), my mother is unPD (I most likely N).

Today for the first time I haven't called, I've only sent an Ecard. I've cried today. And I have had a few phone calls this week and one today from my dad flying monkey style.

I know he is trying to protect himself, or not rock the boat or whatever, but I hate that he doesn't try to protect me from her.

I feel cold, lonely, sad and scared.  Though I don't know what im scared of. Maybe it's my inner child? She's scared of getting punished by mom in a way that's underhanded and twisted. LIke not getting fed because mom refuses to leave her room, or getting woken up earlier than necessary, or just plain getting yelled at for everyday things for a week on end.

I just cant keep pretending any more that I am thankful for her. Im not. I did not choose to be born and I dont owe her anything for my existense.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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frogjumpsout

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2019, 10:01:01 PM »
Hi SpunHead,

Just wanted to say that I identify what you wrote here. This day is really no good.

Even though you feel a lot of fear, you did the right thing in not calling (and subjecting yourself to abuse.) You feel alone and frightened, but, also, you ARE strong.

I'm so sorry that your mother doled out those sick "punishments" (really, abuses) to you when you were little. This may be a little woo-woo, but what do you think of asking your ic what she would like? That sometimes helps me.

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2019, 10:08:31 PM »
Update: Just got 2 phone calls from enF then a text from my brother saying "mom and dad can't reach you". I replied to my brother saying "Im fine, busy, cant call" just because i can't ignore my brother and he texted "they ask when you will call".

I just turned my phone off after that.

I was feeling such intense fear and questioning whether I was doing the right thing. But then I tuned into the fear and realized that feeling that specific emotion says something. It's the F.O.G! Im still making my way through it.

Im sure that was probably obvious to a lot of you. But it wasn't obvious to me until just now.

Frogjumpsout - I just got your response as I was typing the above ^ I think I was pretty triggered and am feeling somewhat better now. I'll be asking my ic shortly.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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Ariel

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2019, 11:42:44 PM »
Totally gave in today and called. But I called on speaker phone with my husband. She won't act out in front of him. Like a one minute phone call. But I also had that fear of being scared, being punished and felt sick. But you are never wrong to protect yourself. They chose to have you and have no right to abuse you.protect yourself, love yourself

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2019, 03:12:36 PM »
Hi Ariel, having your husband there sounds like a good safety net.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 09:08:32 PM »
Update-

This has turned into a full hoover from Nm. After the last post, I have gotten a call and message a day from her. Notably, these messages are not from my brother or dad, who at least seem to get what a boundary is.

Today right after she called, she sent a text- "did something happen to you. Please call. Love you."

I replied "I am fine, I don't want to talk. Leave me alone."

She responds. "We could not leave you alone. We are really worry about you."
Note how she wrote this as if she doesn't know English, but she worked as a profession Russian/ English interpreter for years. She knows the language well. 

All of these feel like she is using a script that has worked in the past for her but isn't working now. With every message, it just felt like she was putting on an act. No sincerity.

I feel super anxious, to the point that I am questioning my perception of reality, I think this is an example of gaslighting, where she doesn't acknowledge any of the harm she's done.  Nor acknowledge that I am setting a boundary. This is her way, she has no guilt about it, she just smashes into the boundary over and over until she gets her way.

And even though she says she's worried. I know shes just wanting control.

I hate this. I hate that she doesn't respect a simple boundary. I hate how much guilt i feel, and I hate how sad I get when I think about why im doing this.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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moglow

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 10:12:25 PM »
Mo advice: Just let her be worry. She'll survive. Her inability to do as you ask isn't your stuff. Do what you can to let go of the anxiety - it'll only hurt you in the long run.
Sometimes it helps me to read back over my posts and the responses, it helps me find level ground. Do that for yourself.
I'm here with you, trying to find my own. Contemplating pouring this beer over my head, see if that helps.  :ninja:
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2019, 01:19:19 AM »
Un update.

They both showed up at my house, my roommate let them in (she didn't know any better). After asking me repeatedly "why I was doing this to them" and me repeatedly telling them "its because you don't listen" and "when I am ready I will say more" They, mostly dad started hurling insults.

I was told im an idiot, that I should look for a new therapist because im showing signs of being psychotic, that I am a failure in life, that i "owe" and am "obligated" to them and that therapists are idiots.

My dad said if I ignored their phone calls again he would show up anyway and or call the police to come get me. I said I would call the police if he tries, he said "go for it" in a voice that said I never would.

I was talking with my roommate after, she was kind and she suggested that I get a restraining order, or that I need to move where they cannot find me. My next move will be without their knowledge.

On the plus side, my guilt has dissipated. They just showed up and verbally abused me and for once I had a witness (two if you count the neighbour upstairs because the walls are thin)

Whatever ideas I had about my dad standing up for me in any way, are gone.


It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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Sojourner17

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2019, 01:28:58 AM »
Oh wow Spunhead, I am so sorry that happened to you. ☹️ I’m glad you had a witness but that sounds like it was a hard thing to go through.  :bighug:
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2019, 01:44:46 AM »
It was a really hard thing to go through, Sojourner. I had forgetten how terrible the two of them can be when they join forces.

Im scared they will keep showing up, but I plan on not opening the door (and neither will my roommate) if they do.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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moglow

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2019, 01:48:19 AM »
Plus side: now your roommate has seen and knows what you're up against and will be in a better position to stand up for you.  Tell them you've moved and give them my address. I'll gladly give them an earful they won't soon forget, and some home truths they don't seem to be aware of. They'd like me a whole lot less than you once I was finished.

Maybe he thinks the police will "get you," but remember no matter what he says you're doing nothing wrong. You're protecting yourself from abuse. If anything his actions just reinforced what you knew already.

If the police do show up one day, tell them the truth and that you've asked your parents repeatedly to leave you alone. Guarantee they've seen it before and may even have suggestiind going forward.

I would probably make a habit of locking doors when I'm home, and change up your routine so they don't see a set pattern when you're home or gone. Screen calls if you're not already, and obviously screen visitors. Just because they knock on the door doesn't mean you have to let them in - you can also call the police. This could be termed harassment, ya know. If the neighbors hear and report it, so much the better.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2019, 01:56:19 AM »
I am glad my roommate now knows, she has even said she would call the police for me if they come again. Though hopefully, they won't.

Him telling me he would call the police is pretty silly now I have a chance to think about it. It's like he is still threatening me as a kid with Baba Yaga. But I will do exactly what you say if they do show up.

I do keep the doors locked and think I'll get a curtain for the front door window. Having the glass just there kinda freaks me out right now.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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Sojourner17

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2019, 02:12:11 AM »
It takes some nerve to come to someone else’s house and treat them the way your parents treated you. That wouldn’t fly if it were a neighbour /friend/ stranger. Shows a lot of disrespect and disregard for you AND your roommate. I’m glad your roommate is supportive of you. Do what you need so you can feel safe in YOur... OWN ... HOME.  What they did was not cool at all! It’s starting to get my blood boiling! Your home should be a safe space to land.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2019, 02:16:24 AM »
Thanks, Sojourner, I definitely don't feel safe here right now. 

The way they treat me, I would NEVER accept from any other person. It's only because they are my parents that I have given them so much leeway for so long.

But In the end, they are just people, and from now on I choose not to have these people in my life.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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LifeIsWorthLiving

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2019, 03:21:55 AM »
Wow. Sending hugs to you! It's so horrible the way they violate every boundary. Fear of my uNPDparents showing up invited was exactly why I didn't give them my address after I moved. They found my work address, but I don't think they will show up there. They just send me stuff at work... Which promptly goes in the trash.

I've had a lot of trouble getting through the guilt of reducing contact (I'm now NC), but as I pulled away their behavior became more clearly inappropriate. That made it easier for me to cut ties completely. I don't regret it. I just mourn the loss of the family and childhood I never had.

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SpunHead13

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Re: Surviving Mothers Day as a Daughter of a PD mom
« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2019, 03:37:44 AM »
You're right LifeWorthLiving, the more I pull away the crazier they get.  The above being a perfect example. And the more they act this way, the easier it becomes to pull away.

Im still reeling from the encounter, I think I need to move sooner rather than later and like you, I wont be telling them my new address.
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch