Replacing abuse with neglect

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Samuel S.

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Replacing abuse with neglect
« on: May 13, 2019, 02:38:15 AM »
My PDw has found something that she is happy with. She has replaced her abusive ways as I have explained on this website. Now, she works a lot. She studies a lot. She told me just tonight about a workshop out of our state that will be for a week in November. Also, she has that much more studying to do, basically a couple of more years, interning, and having to take extension classes.

While all of this makes her happier and doesnít give her enough time to find fault in me as she has done and BTW not deserving, our relationship is not a marriage or a partnership. It is one in which she cooks for us and where I pay a majority of the bills.

So, while the abuse has seemed to have disappeared, neglect of the marriage or the partnership has taken its place. We havenít gone on a date for at least 3 years. She hasnít had time for me and practically everyone else, except for her D22. BTW, I respect the love and bond between them, because they are blood relatives.

If I were to say that I miss our marriage or partnership, she would use every technique possible to make me feel guilty, that she didnít have an opportunity to do what she wanted to do. I have never stopped her from doing what she wanted to do, because she deserves her happiness. Nevertheless, she has taken it way farther.

Has anyone experienced such a situation? If so, how do you handle it?

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musttryharder

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2019, 12:43:38 PM »
I've been doing a lot of reading on abuse due to an on/off confused state, and I would suggest that neglect/withholding IS abuse. It's simply another way to make us miserable. I'm in a similar situation. I'm using the time to think about what I want.

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Samuel S.

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 11:25:48 PM »
My PDw is rather stressed about her studies, having to prepare meals, and about work. She returned to our condo in a bad mood due to having to work so much which is totally understandable. Then, she said she wanted to cook which was another couple of hours so she could focus on what she wanted to do today. I offered to help her, but she said she could do it herself. Nevertheless, she became grumpy, making comments that were on the verge of being abusive. Once it got too much for me, I just thanked her for what she was doing and left the kitchen. It was then rather hard for me to go to sleep.

Today, she did what she wanted to do. Then, she said that she was doing too much, that she was working on her emotions. She complained about her studies. She complained about a fellow worker who is rather picky to which I replied that is rather abusive. I used that word of abusive a couple of times to have her realize that she was being abused at work, but also try to get her to realize that she is being abusive to me. Nevertheless, she didnít get that. I was trying to be respectful, but she didnít want to acknowledge it at all.

When I began talking about my day, she promptly said that she needed to prepare her meals for work. So, I just left the kitchen again.

I guess PDs donít have the tools to realize what they are doing. Nevertheless, you would think they would. She was physically and emotionally abused when she was a child. She knows what it feels like. So, to release her anger, she is being abusive verbally to me. If it were physical abuse, the last thing she would see of me is my back.

Still, it hurts.

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symbasmommy

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 10:38:40 PM »
I am sorry Samuel.... :sly: agree it's a different form of abuse...one that is conveyer the moment but nonetheless abuse....my husband has tried it all....and rotates the forms to suit him.... I ask when is it enough? How much more? No use talking about it will just end up your fault....do something that makes you happy...baby steps!

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Whiteheron

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2019, 09:30:35 AM »
Hi Samuel,

I agree with the others, neglect is still abuse.

My stbx would do the same - but like symbasmommy's H, he would rotate through abuse/neglect. It was a cycle that took several months for him to rotate through.

I firmly believe he kept himself busy and occupied so he wouldn't have to deal with whatever thoughts/demons were racing around in his head. But he did this to the point of exhaustion. Then he would complain that he was too stressed and too busy, so he would be cutting back on things...like playing with the kids, family outings, etc. So he would cut himself off from his wife and kids and mope around for a while. He would complain about how much time we took up, how we never did anything to help him, how he had to do it all on his own (:blink:) but would refuse offers of help. Then he would get busy with work/unnecessary projects until he wore himself out, and the cycle continued.

Like your W, my stbx was abused as a child, so he knows what it feels like. He knows better - his mom tried to teach him to not be like his dad. I do believe he knows what he's doing deep down, but he is unable/unwilling to admit he isn't strong enough to break the cycle. He is in such need to control every facet of everything going on around him - it's like oxygen - that he literally can't function if things are out of his control.

Also like your W, he periodically needs to release whatever has built up inside him, so lashes out at me (even now - he scolds me through texts or his L) or the kids.

It is abuse, and the damage is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse.

It's my opinion that they will never acknowledge they were abusive to us. My stbx came close in joint T, but then a week later, had spun a tale of how it was all my fault because....and that he wasn't to blame at all. It was all me. Not him. Never him, because he would never act like that towards someone he loved (me). Denial and rewriting history at its finest.





You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2019, 11:41:39 AM »
I wonder what would happen of you stood up against the abuse. 

Perhaps informing that you dont need to hear the details of her day, if she is in such a hurry or has so much to do.

Preparing your own meals before she gets home and letting her know that you will not eat what she prepares until she is no longer stressed and overworked.

Re-evaluating the bills ans what she pays and what you pay.  Her job as a pharmisist should allow her to contribute fairly. 

What are ways refuse to play the games that allow her opportumity to abuse you.

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symbasmommy

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2019, 11:30:50 PM »
I am sorry Samuel.... :sly: agree it's a different form of abuse...one that is convenient at the moment but nonetheless abuse....my husband has tried it all....and rotates the forms to suit him.... I ask when is it enough? How much more? No use talking about it will just end up your fault....do something that makes you happy...baby steps!

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symbasmommy

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2019, 11:32:12 PM »
I am sorry Samuel.... :sly: agree it's a different form of abuse...one that suits them at the moment but nonetheless abuse....my husband has tried it all....and rotates the forms to suit him.... I ask when is it enough? How much more? No use talking about it will just end up your fault....do something that makes you happy...baby steps!

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symbasmommy

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2019, 11:36:30 PM »
Sorry my Kindle has a mind of its own tonight😣

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Samuel S.

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2019, 01:54:58 PM »
White heron, thank you for validating basically how frustrating it is with our PDs. I am sorry you have dealt with your PD having the desire to lash out whimsically. They are basically like walking volcanoes! You are also right about the damage they cause with their horrible p, abusive remarks are just as damaging as physical abuse. These remarks can rip our souls.

1footouttadafog, I have done some of the things you have suggested, but I have been countered with rationalizations galore. I listen about her day, because everyone deserves to be heard. As for paying, yes, she makes more than I do. Nevertheless, she does pay for her D22ís rent in her college town. MyPDw also pays her own tuition, books, and hotel expenses since her classes are out of town and is not able to commute especially with traffic to where she goes.

As for how to stop her from abusing me, that has been a struggle. Reminding myself of what she has said in the past is frankly screwing with my mind, because it was so horrible and not deserving. When she goes on her holier than thou attitude, if I walk away, she says I donít listen. If I stay which is mostly the case, I donít respond, because if I do, the talk will only continue so she can have the last word.

My only way to find my happiness out of this depressing situation is to find happiness in the teaching and tutoring that I do. Also, my daughters and their families are my happiness, although they live thousands of miles away. I do see a T who validates my emotions and says I need to take care of myself by finding my happiness and agreeing that my PDw is abusive.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Replacing abuse with neglect
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2019, 04:11:58 AM »
It's erie, the hurtful things that have been said to me over time have been processed in such away for me that they are by and large facts.  As a group the represent a fact that has emotions associated with it but they do t for the most part hurt.

Things have been said that soell oht a reality I have been coming to terms with and have largely done just that.  It is a the reality that I was discarded very long ago. 

It is the reality that I did not recognize being discarded and had no idea it was permenant regardless of my actions.

I now know the truth and will decide what is best for me once my youngest child is off to college. 

In the mean time I am emotionally disconnected enough that the super hurtful periods are farther between because I no longer hope for my of to be emotionally interacting me in a mature or romantic way.

Reduction of expectations after acceptance was a healthy land mark in this journey.

I now have a roommate because it works fine for me more than not, however I no longer wxoect him to be a partner.

I do disengage often but I explain why as I do.  Then refuse to be reengaged at that time.