Hi. I'm 1 month into no contact with my mom and it's tough

[blistering]

My mother emotionally abused me until I moved out with 17 and remained controllling and difficult. She also hit me a couple times as a kid but nothing regular. I don't wanna go into detail, you probably know the drill: yelling, constant nagging, high expectations, weird twisted world view that she forced on me, expecting me to act like an adult and emotionally support her, insulting everything I did.. etc.

I mostly just kept my head down and tried to get through it with as few fights as possible. After moving out I enjoyed my freedom a lot. Our relationship relaxed, simply because we weren't constantly in the same place and she couldn't see everything I did. However she'd still constantly demand to know what I'm doing, then tell me I'm doing it wrong, every few months she flipped out at me for something and yelled at me over the phone and so on. Also every time she visited my place she'd heap insults on me, tell me how dirty and smelly everything supposedly is etc.

Well we had another huge argument 1 month ago and she started insulting me again, this time she said such ugly and hurtful things that I lost control and hit her. Which I am not proud of and have never done before and I hope I'll never do it again. Anyway, that has changed something in me permanently. I feel so emotionally exhausted that I just don't want her in my life anymore. I told her no contact and have been keeping it up for almost one month now. Right after, she sent me several voice messages of her crying and saying she knows she wasn't a good mom blah blah.. but also insulting and criticizing me again in the same message lol. I'm so done right now. I just don't even want to hear her voice.

However I'm struggling. Not so much with the no contact. More with the realisation that our relationship has always been dysfunctional and terrible and will never be good, and also in that last argument she expressed more directly than ever before that she thinks I'm a failure, disgusting, a disappointment, not the daughter she wanted etc. That is not really anything new, but hearing her say it so clearly affected me more than ever before and now I can't fight off the feelings of actually being a failure. I've felt really depressed and can barely find the strength to get out of bed in the mornings. I know it will probably get better in time with no contact but I hate her power to make me feel like shit.

Anyway. I'm new here and just hoping I can talk to a few people who understand what it's like. I am actually in therapy but I don't think my therapist really understands the situation. However I already switched therapists twice and can't really do it again or my insurance won't pay anymore. 

[Starboard Song]

I think it's a great observation you have made. That you aren't so much grieving the loss of this mother, as much as grieving the mother you would like but do not have. We have been there, and understand that sort of grief.

there are certain moments that are like bridges that cannot be crossed twice. I understand how being driven to even a brief moment of violence could be such a bridge. For us it was having to discuss some of the things that had happened with our dear son. It ended a sort of innocence for him, and we resented that.

Many therapists do not understand personality disorders. A therapist who doesn't is not a good therapist for you. On the other hand, some people will rush to tell you that a therapist is there to validate you. That is not correct. Therapists are also there to help direct us, guide us, and sometimes to correct us. Keep that in mind as you find a therapist who his right for you.

Please check out our tool box. It has sections on what to do, and what not to do. Both are very important. You have a time right now in which you can keep your options open, and develop yourself as an independent person.

Because what she says about you is not what you are. I understand the struggle of separating things said about you for what you know to be true. I watched my wife battle with that very dilemma. And I see how very hard it is for even a very strong, very smart, very capable person.

The right therapist will be there for you. A family of choice will be there for you. And we are here for you.

[biggerfish]

blistering, I'm so sorry you had a crappy mom. The first months are hard. I'm in my fifth year now of NC with my mom, and I can tell you that not only does it get better, but for me personally, NC was the ONLY way I could become the confident, fulfilled woman I always knew I could be. I am so happy now.

So keep posting, get all the support you can find, and ride out these first difficult months.

Also something that helped me is to finally realize that feelings don't have to take such a big place in my life. I acknowledge them, I sit with them for a short time, and, using sheer instinct, I assign them an "expiration date."  I find the expiration dates turn out to usually be pretty accurate--the feelings do expire by then. Sometimes an "expiration date" can be "this afternoon." Other times it can be "tomorrow" or "next week" or "in three months." It all depends. I believe we all have an inner expiration clock.

One more thought: guilt might never completely disappear, but that's okay. It can fade, and you can learn to laugh it off. These things take time, because new ways of thinking are habits. Habits take a while. Just keep at it. Here's a simple but powerful habit to form, by repeating it dozens of times a day forever: every time a bad thought or feeling enters your mind, tell it to leave. Do it authoritatively. It starts working right away. In addition, after a few weeks or a few months, the thoughts will come less often. And when they do come, they're very obedient. LOL

My thoughts on your therapist is that there might be room to "train" your therapist (without them realizing it). Use professional-sounding terminology when it makes sense to do so, stand your ground on what you need, and be a broken record if you have to. And say things like "As you know even better than I do, some people are so disordered that they cause enormous harm to those around them. My mother has groomed me to have no thoughts or opinions of my own, and to be her satellite. And I've discovered she is adamant that she will not change her ways now. This relationship, therefore, is terrible for me. I need to find healthy relationships." (Those were words just off the top of my head, but you get the idea.)

I'm cheering you on.   

[Zippydog]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am right there with you.

Biggerfish, this thought was so helpful, thank you:

"....      And say things like "As you know even better than I do, some people are so disordered that they cause enormous harm to those around them. My mother has groomed me to have no thoughts or opinions of my own, and to be her satellite. And I've discovered she is adamant that she will not change her ways now. This relationship, therefore, is terrible for me. I need to find healthy relationships."

[Tricia64]

I keep trying to go no contact but I am the one who goes back.  I get so lonely.

But then I talk to my sister and I feel she is abusive.  Then if I say something she said, she totally lies all the time.  I can't even believe I never saw it before.

But I feel like I am nuts because I start calling and sending emails.  The truth is I am so alone and so depressed but I don't think I am abusive.  But I got back and same thing starts except now it is coming to a horrible head.  It is like you said that I realize that I have horrible relationships and they are never going to get better because my sisters either don't want to know me and/or are cruel.

I loved my family so much and I honestly feel like I don't love them anymore.  I feel like in shock that my sisters (who I believed loved me) either don't or I don't know what.  I thought I could make it through this but I feel like I am slipping and I am not even any amount no contact.
I feel so completely sad and lost.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister and what you write about I can relate to.

What your mother is doing is all projection about herself and her life. She is projecting all her disappointments in herself onto you. She is talking about herself when she criticises you.

Abusers are all about power and control. She provokes you and pushes all your buttons until you either shout back or become physically violent yourself. It is the Narcissistic Circle of Abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim.

The best thing to do when dealing with a narcissistic abuser is to stay calm and ignore them. They hate that. Take a look at the Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques in the "Toolbox" section.

It is so difficult keeping no contact as you are so used to the abuse. You will come to realise that you don't have to keep putting your hand back in the fire to keep getting burnt. You have choices. You do not have to do anything that harms you. You have to put your needs and wellbeing first. Your safety is important. You have to look after you, no one else can do that for you. You are important.

You need to build up and work on your own self esteem. People with good self esteem don't get abused because they don't put up with it and keep good boundaries.

Please take a look at the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Keep strong. Keep calm.

Best wishes

guitarman X