NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans

  • 5 Replies
  • 151 Views
*

justanotherempath

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« on: May 13, 2019, 08:59:33 AM »
 :stars:

Hi all, so glad to find this supporting forum! I have read through many of your posts which bring me peace that you are dealing with it, and that I can heal too slowly.

So... heres my story!!!! +++ some questions at the end.
I am super curious about your experiences after realizing you are abused and not crazy like they made you believe form all the gaslighting.

Im in my 20's and dependant on my parents because I'm studying. I'm not in my country of origin and not aloud to work. I have 1 more semester of hell, luckily i moved into a dorm but still have to see their faces. Ew. Want to escape ASAP, even considered living on the streets. Their evil eyes and behaviour.. so gross.

How did I realize the "parents" are f-ed up?

The "Father" emotionally abused me, invalidated me and would throw money at me in a temper-tantrum like way. I use Quotation marks "___" because they can't be considered parents, what a joke title! HAHA. So then "F" would pinch me, hit me with dirty food towels on my face and make fun of me when I asked for respect. I researched online "emotionally immature parents". Then I started connecting to more sighs, where I found out about Narcissism. Then I was like oh... My "M" is a NARC. Then I researched more, originally thought my "F" was a NARC, but actually he has Boderline Personality Disorder.

I started to realize, wow.. I am not messed up, my parents are... they would deny me to get medical tests and when I would get clinically diagnosed at hospitals for real diseases or infections and got medication which cleared my symptoms, they would say it's "all in my head". They would say I have a mental problem and that I am a "hypochondriac". They even went as far to send me to a psychologist when I was depressed and not focusing in school to diagnose me with ADHD. Actually I had PTSD because of their sexual abuse, manipulation tactics, etc. In the report that my mother hid from me form the doctor it said that at first glance upon seeing me that she characterised me as beautiful but GUARDED child.. Um yeah. duh. guarded makes sense. So when she went on Vaca, I search all the documents, found all my papers like birth certificates, citizenship, and doctors reports (she also didn't vaccinate me for deathly diseases and i got a note from the school to get them done and she never even did them for me! I think she secretly wants to kill me).

They would call me "too sensitive" "too emotional" when I asked to eat food together at the table they would freak out and call me a baby or "annoying". I was their slave bring me water, bring me food to the couch, close the light, clean this, bla bla bla.

Then I started researching more about NARCs and then i encountered pages talking about sexual abuse. This is when I started to realize, my strange feeling towards my parents was not me being crazy. I used to feel guilty for hating to hug them or sit close to them. I always thought sexual abuse was overt or physical. but they covertly abused me. And did not allow any boundaries. If I was in the toilet can't lock because I might die in there! and when I am naked "M" would come in and give me a dirty look, of pleasure and disgust and jealousy all at once, I always felt gross under her stare. My "F" always stared at my chest, it was so inappropriate and I would say, what is something on my shirt, and he would say, what, I am not aloud to look at my daughter. what a pervert! They would want me to sleep with them till I am 15 years old, and "M" wanted to shower with me until I was around 10 and make me suck her gross chest while we shower sometimes.

We love you, we have a special family, but don't tell your friends and family, because they wouldn't understand... they would say.. how gross.

Then I told my x about the sexual abuse and he didn't even ask me if I am ok, that he's sorry or that everything will be ok. Then I analyzed this and various other behaviours and realized he is a NARC as well. I was like, k you don't love me I break up with you. he said, I never said it to anyone, and you met my family it means I love you. no. I told him finally I am a boy in a womans' body, finally he accepted my break up a week later.

My parents never validated my want of being a boy. I always told them I want to be a boy, I only bought boys clothes, and wanted boys toys. when I got barbies I cried and would cut their hair. "M" would purposely throw out my toys and favourite boys clothes to force me to be more girly. I finally know I am a boy, I never felt more free and happy and angry in 1 week. my life changed 180 degrees! I bought more boy clothes and feel like I am finally who I always was. When I look into my closet now and see all the girls clothes I feel kinda gross and regret ever wearing them.

I used to be scared to go outside of my house because someone will hurt me or look at me weird, or at night someone might rape or kill me. now I can't stand being "home" or close to them, that is what gives me anxiety now, when i go out the door I love it. in the past I looked at the ground, and a few meters ahead. now that I have this epiphany and realization that everything i expereinced is because i grew up in a toxic environment, I can see everything... it is so weird and strange, the world is more lively, vibrant, safe. and even physically my vision seems to have increased. like I can see 30 40 meters into the distance and see the whole picture of concepts and the physical reality in my life.


Has anyone ever experienced this in their life after realizing their parents/partners/friends/family are toxic? After going no contact or LC?
Can you literally see clearly and more into the distance?
Can you breathe deeper?
Can you feel clearer?

What are the effects after leaving these relationships for you, after admitting to yourself you are not crazy?
What do you feel deep within, and also externally?

I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences? Do you have a new reality as I do?

Thanks for reading through everything! And thank you for the opportunity to post here and express some of my thoughts.

Wishing you all a safe journey into a new life without abuse. Take care XoXo






*

Penny Lane

  • Host Member
  • Full Member
  • *
  • 459
Re: NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2019, 12:41:19 PM »
Hi justanotherempath,
I'm so glad you found us. You've been through so much with your parents and I think there are a lot of people on this board who will identify.

I'm not in the exact same situation as you so I hope others will chime in with answers to your specific questions. But I can tell you that it seems to be nearly universal that when someone gets away from their abuser things will become so much clearer. And the longer you're away the more clarity you get. FOG in the name of this website stands for fear, obligation and guilt but fog is also a great metaphor for how we feel when we're being manipulated and gaslighted.

If you haven't seen it yet the toolbox might help you with skills to make your interactions with your parents easier this last semester. The folks on the PD parents forum might have more insight about the answers to your specific questions. And if you get to this point, there's another forum for going no contact with a PD parent.

As a practical matter are you looking with tips for how to get away from them after this semester? Do you have access to those documents you mentioned or could you get it? Do you have access to money that's just yours, that your parents have no control over? And if not could you look into resources like domestic violence shelters or on-campus counseling? Sometimes knowing you have a plan to get out can help you survive in the meantime.

Best of luck with this last semester and I hope you can get a whole closet full of men's clothes and otherwise continue your transition as quickly as possible. I wish you all the healing and peace and I look forward to hearing more from you on the boards if you want to share.

 :bighug:

*

justanotherempath

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2019, 05:28:39 PM »
Dear Penny Lane,

Thanks so much for your comment! I have looked at the toolbox and found it very interesting! I will use the grey rock method and also become a disengaged boring person. Thanks so much for recommending me this function in the website! It will be much easier to communicate with them since I might have to see them for lunch sometimes.

I am LC, and live in another house with friends, however I still need their money. I feel guilty and discouraged and like I am using them. But I must graduate this last semester, and I could pay them back without talking to them after I get a job. So that justification decreases my guilt a bit.


Yess!! I took them ALLL!!! The documents will be with me forever now!  :D ;D :D ;D :D

The issue is we are in a foreign country which does not recognise mental illnesses as a real thing (South East Asia) SEA, and support is not really advanced or developed here as it is on other countries in the world. That is why I am happy to find this sight here and vent and read about others experiences of coping, and now also thanks to your help to find useful tools too!

Your comment about the clothes brings me deep delight and joy, thanks for your support and encouragement! I just bought another shirt today, a lovely pollo shirt. I am in love with it already <3  :) :)
Thank you so much! Once I get work I will buy T, or even check out the prices here! :)

Also I am super lucky that my cousin is going through the same, her mother is a NARC as well and we support each other, I call her often and chat with her and even had a free session with her therapist. I am so thankful, just when I thought the world will cave in from my anxiety and depression, I found the light. :)

I really wanted to call and talk to a crisis hotline but unable to here as it is all in foreign language, not English >.< .
I owe my sanity to my cousen!

I wish the best to all those suffering and recovering and going through a healing process. Please don't be scared to reach out to available resources!!! <3 <3 I know it is sometimes hard, but it is the best thing to do to get help from hotlines or shelters etc. Don't waste your time your life is precious, you are worthy of love and care and peace.

Take care all <3

*

Fiasco

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 484
Re: NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2019, 06:36:33 PM »
Welcome, I'm glad you found us! This is a great community.

*

guitarman

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 719
Re: NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2019, 06:17:36 AM »
Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

You may find the talks by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". Her talks are archived on her YouTube and Facebook sites.

I have found her very helpful.

Keep calm. Keep strong.

Best wishes

guitarman X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

*

EyesOfSadness

  • New Member
  • *
  • 2
Re: NARC M, Covert Sexual Abuse F & M, BPD F, I am Trans
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2019, 11:52:18 PM »
Hi. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and step father. Luckily they put me off on other family but I still had stay with them from time to time. I was neglected a lot. No lunch for school. No clothes bought. Dinner was served on their terms late at night on school nights around 11pm. My mother would call me vain just for styling my hair before school while she would lock herself in the bathroom for three hours often not keeping an eye on me or my step siblings. My step dad was nice at first till all my family died that took care of me now heís cruel heís always been cruel to my mom as well. As an adult I am now they still have control over me and are in charge of my money and threaten to put me on the s streets when I am ill and canít work. Thereís a list I could put of all the things not sexual abuse though except my mom would not want me to wash my bathing suit after she ď borrowed ď of course I did thatís gross. But years later I found out my stepdad gave her herpes . I think she was trying to give to me to show how horrible my step dad was which is disgusting and disturbing to try do that to your child just to prove a point.

Iím glad to read that you are finally feeling free . It sounds like the abuse was horrible and they had no right doing that. Youíre Into an inspiration I hope I can one day break free. Iíve come close Iíve moved out of state away from them which has helped a little but I think the damage of them Iím too damaged Iím socially awkward social anxiety and donít function well in society itís like they can smell it me because I seem to attract other narcissist as well.
I hope you can continue to be free and be the person you have always wanted to be



:stars:

Hi all, so glad to find this supporting forum! I have read through many of your posts which bring me peace that you are dealing with it, and that I can heal too slowly.

So... heres my story!!!! +++ some questions at the end.
I am super curious about your experiences after realizing you are abused and not crazy like they made you believe form all the gaslighting.

Im in my 20's and dependant on my parents because I'm studying. I'm not in my country of origin and not aloud to work. I have 1 more semester of hell, luckily i moved into a dorm but still have to see their faces. Ew. Want to escape ASAP, even considered living on the streets. Their evil eyes and behaviour.. so gross.

How did I realize the "parents" are f-ed up?

The "Father" emotionally abused me, invalidated me and would throw money at me in a temper-tantrum like way. I use Quotation marks "___" because they can't be considered parents, what a joke title! HAHA. So then "F" would pinch me, hit me with dirty food towels on my face and make fun of me when I asked for respect. I researched online "emotionally immature parents". Then I started connecting to more sighs, where I found out about Narcissism. Then I was like oh... My "M" is a NARC. Then I researched more, originally thought my "F" was a NARC, but actually he has Boderline Personality Disorder.

I started to realize, wow.. I am not messed up, my parents are... they would deny me to get medical tests and when I would get clinically diagnosed at hospitals for real diseases or infections and got medication which cleared my symptoms, they would say it's "all in my head". They would say I have a mental problem and that I am a "hypochondriac". They even went as far to send me to a psychologist when I was depressed and not focusing in school to diagnose me with ADHD. Actually I had PTSD because of their sexual abuse, manipulation tactics, etc. In the report that my mother hid from me form the doctor it said that at first glance upon seeing me that she characterised me as beautiful but GUARDED child.. Um yeah. duh. guarded makes sense. So when she went on Vaca, I search all the documents, found all my papers like birth certificates, citizenship, and doctors reports (she also didn't vaccinate me for deathly diseases and i got a note from the school to get them done and she never even did them for me! I think she secretly wants to kill me).

They would call me "too sensitive" "too emotional" when I asked to eat food together at the table they would freak out and call me a baby or "annoying". I was their slave bring me water, bring me food to the couch, close the light, clean this, bla bla bla.

Then I started researching more about NARCs and then i encountered pages talking about sexual abuse. This is when I started to realize, my strange feeling towards my parents was not me being crazy. I used to feel guilty for hating to hug them or sit close to them. I always thought sexual abuse was overt or physical. but they covertly abused me. And did not allow any boundaries. If I was in the toilet can't lock because I might die in there! and when I am naked "M" would come in and give me a dirty look, of pleasure and disgust and jealousy all at once, I always felt gross under her stare. My "F" always stared at my chest, it was so inappropriate and I would say, what is something on my shirt, and he would say, what, I am not aloud to look at my daughter. what a pervert! They would want me to sleep with them till I am 15 years old, and "M" wanted to shower with me until I was around 10 and make me suck her gross chest while we shower sometimes.

We love you, we have a special family, but don't tell your friends and family, because they wouldn't understand... they would say.. how gross.

Then I told my x about the sexual abuse and he didn't even ask me if I am ok, that he's sorry or that everything will be ok. Then I analyzed this and various other behaviours and realized he is a NARC as well. I was like, k you don't love me I break up with you. he said, I never said it to anyone, and you met my family it means I love you. no. I told him finally I am a boy in a womans' body, finally he accepted my break up a week later.

My parents never validated my want of being a boy. I always told them I want to be a boy, I only bought boys clothes, and wanted boys toys. when I got barbies I cried and would cut their hair. "M" would purposely throw out my toys and favourite boys clothes to force me to be more girly. I finally know I am a boy, I never felt more free and happy and angry in 1 week. my life changed 180 degrees! I bought more boy clothes and feel like I am finally who I always was. When I look into my closet now and see all the girls clothes I feel kinda gross and regret ever wearing them.

I used to be scared to go outside of my house because someone will hurt me or look at me weird, or at night someone might rape or kill me. now I can't stand being "home" or close to them, that is what gives me anxiety now, when i go out the door I love it. in the past I looked at the ground, and a few meters ahead. now that I have this epiphany and realization that everything i expereinced is because i grew up in a toxic environment, I can see everything... it is so weird and strange, the world is more lively, vibrant, safe. and even physically my vision seems to have increased. like I can see 30 40 meters into the distance and see the whole picture of concepts and the physical reality in my life.


Has anyone ever experienced this in their life after realizing their parents/partners/friends/family are toxic? After going no contact or LC?
Can you literally see clearly and more into the distance?
Can you breathe deeper?
Can you feel clearer?

What are the effects after leaving these relationships for you, after admitting to yourself you are not crazy?
What do you feel deep within, and also externally?

I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences? Do you have a new reality as I do?

Thanks for reading through everything! And thank you for the opportunity to post here and express some of my thoughts.

Wishing you all a safe journey into a new life without abuse. Take care XoXo