Sister is a narcissist

[Twinkletoes88]

I apologise in advance if this is incoherent. I'm not really sure what I'm writing for other than needing to write somewhere where other people will understand my pain.

I've been having therapy for nearly 5 years because of my childhood and mostly because of my NPDm. It's very up and down as I imagine many of you know, but currently I feel pretty strong with regards to my mother. We are now VLC and at the moment I am happy with that.

My sister is 7 years younger than me. Unusually we were both pretty neglected but she saw her dad regularly whereas I didn't see mine. When I turned 17 or 18, my mother started to realise I could come in handy and so started to turn me into a "mini me" (as she called me). It's hard to explain but in some ways I became the GC and yet she was still horribly abusive and neglectful with me. My sister being that much younger didn't really have much to do with my mum and got jealous often.

I went NC with my mother about 1.5 years ago (now VVLC) and by then my sister was older and so I became the scapegoat and she the GC.

With regards to me and her I've always looked after her. I had no choice for many years but since she's been older I've been like a surrogate mother for her. The one who does the emotions and the feelings. My sister has suffered with depression since the age of 15 but my mother couldn't handle it and so denied it. I helped my sister. My sister has been suicidal and again, I helped her.

The problem I find myself in now however is that despite always being there for my sister, she's actually quite nasty to me. I feel embarrassed to admit that I never even really realised. She's doing a lot of the same things that our NPDm does (not that she would realise that). She's now "close" with our mother. I'm the problem child (yawn).

Without making this painfully long, I've realised that my sister doesn't actually care about ME at all. She uses me when she needs something but other than that, she is never happy for me and makes no attempt at pretending to be. She will ignore big events like when I got engaged, married etc. She dropped out of planning my hen and the bridesmaid fitting (hours before). The night before my wedding she arrived miserable and grumpy and told me  I better not keep her awake at night as she was tired. I could go on... she doesn't even buy me a birthday card. Equally when I've told her about bad news (infertility) she doesn't raise an eyebrow. There's never any hugs or messages to check I'm ok. In fact she recently told me she thought she was accidentally pregnant and would need an abortion if so. She told me this in the same conversation I told her I was being referred for IVF.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this feeling but literally in the last few days it's like a light has come on and all I can see is how nasty she is. I think she's narcissistic like our mother. I've been very upset the last few days, crying a lot because I've realised I've been just as abused by her as my mother and yet I've been totally blind to it.

I've spent all my time and energy worrying about her. Feeling bad for her, wishing I could help her etc. But now I find myself thinking - why? What does she do for me? She's not even NICE.

I saw a meme today about narcissistic sisters and it says they don't have any compassion, empathy, kindness or interest in your welfare and I absolutely agree with that.

I've recently posted on this but she's also in the habit of commenting on my Twitter with shitty comments - NEVER anything nice or positive. On Instagram she "likes" everyone's photos except mine (which coincidentally- or not - my mother also does and especially after my wedding when they both ignored my wedding photos completely).

I feel floored by this today but I've moped around and now I know I need to take my power back and start to protect myself and implement some boundaries. Possibly trying to grey rock.... basically I need to do all of the things I did with my mother, with her. That's an exhausting and sad thought.

She was very hurt in her childhood but she refuses to admit that. She also refuses to have therapy and in fact regularly digs at me for having it. She tells me regularly to get over it and stop living in the past.

Anyway sorry this is long. I just needed to vent.

Thanks for reading

[scapegoatnumerouno]

O    M    G    you are talking about my life with my 6 years younger sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Im 43 now, I didnt start picking up on her nastiness until about 4 years ago!!!  I just always brushed it off as my little sister being a knucklehead.  I have always known she is self centered (talks about herself allllll the time) but NEVER thought she was harmful!.  Holy passive aggressive abusive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Nasty  Nasty  Nasty!!!!  I started noticing once I quit reaching out to her and asking her "whats wrong".  I got married in my living room 3 years ago then notified my 5 siblings....from her silent treatment for 5-6 months!  Whatever, I didnt even ask why and didnt reach out.  I was done. 

Your story is soooooooooo my story also!!!!!!!!!!  You are NOT alone.  I NEVER plan on seeing my sister ever again, or the rest of my FOO.  Had to get the hell out just to survive.  It has been two years of zero contact and Im just now starting to feel a lot better.  First year I cried every day, second year cried maybe once or twice a week.  Right now Im on a two week stretch of not one tear. 

I listen to your story and I think "screw Twinkletoes sister!  What a piece of work".  But when it comes to my EXACT situation, I can get very cloudy.  Think of EVERYTHING I have ever done wrong in my life and wonder if I am the reason all of this happened.  Do you do that???????  I cant imagine that you dont!

Your are being VERY abused just like I was!!  WE are here to support you!

[blacksheep7]

I hear you and can relate.  My sister is 8 years younger and also a Narcissist.   

She was 5 or 6, I a teen when the abuse was full blown.  NF rages with ignoring  NM.   I looked out for her and tried to lessen  the painful atmosphere as she could not fully understand  much at her age, neither did I.  I can say that it  did impact her differently because of the research I did when I first came on this site.  The brain is more fragile at a younger age in its development.

NM tried to parentifie me, make me an extension, I pushed her away. It worked with gc sis.,  I saw NM  being on the same team as NF,  not saying or doing anything. This is the beginning of the  70's, no technology so I always tried to have a pleasant relationship with her but we would clash often and that's where I became her scapegoat and sister the quiet lost child became her gc and still is.

My sister suffered from Depersonalization Disorder, was not constant, had several episodes during her adult life.  The first, when she married and did not have a supportive dh as he was against medication.  DH doctor told my sister to grow up.    She later consulted elsewhere.

We were in each others life, not too enmeshed but close in the sense that we visited regularly.  She would ask for my help with her two children when her dh was doing a lot of overtime but I wasn't always available and my marriage was on the rocks.  She complained that family should help each other.  I was kind of lost myself at that period.

She would open up to me sometimes and after a while, she just stopped. I think that is the time that her shame really  kicked in. 
She hid so many things from me, which is ok but  I  found out from her DDs.  They came to me to open up,  they couldn't have discussions with her about their ups and downs, gc sis not available emotionally.   They knew I was open to any discussion.

This is a major factor in my nc with foo, the beginning of the end:

Gc brother the eldest came back when my NF died, 10 years ago.  We only saw him about 5 times since  he married 35 years ago because his wife did not want anything to do with us.  I thought we were close younger.  He wouldn't even call on holidays or birthdays. He comes back because she died of cancer, we all forgave him for the x time, not attending any major family events, weddings, etc..  After a year I went nc with him because I saw his true colors, what he had become as an adult, not really interested in us, only because he was lonely and acted inappropriately.

All hell broke loose with NM because she wanted us to be a big happy family which never was. She smeared me, used emotional blackmail.
My sister in all this was feeding me, creating more  drama from NM who was  twisting my stories around to her advantage and comparing me with her saying that she (sis) was happy.  I was seen as the angry one.

I would see her less and less.  Only wanted to see me when my g-kids were here which were her supply. But she would constantly call me when her dd would come back home after her failed relationships to vent and ask for advice or validation.
When my dd finally became pregnant after 3 miscarriages, she never called to congratulate her....where is the logic, you're supposed to love babies.
I know that she couldn't take the drama that NM  was creating which ended in triangulation.  Gc sister has to be in the fantasy world all the time.

The beginning of the end was when she sent me an email for my bday, I told her that I was really disappointed, we had always called each other and would go to the restaurant to celebrate, now nothing.    then silent treatment.  It was a push and pull relationship.  The last time I had contacted her in late Nov. so we could meet up for supper and put things behind us.  She told me that she found another, second job on the weekends, for what and why, I do not know. She told me that she wouldn't be able to see me until after the xmas holidays that she was two busy.  We live 10 minutes away from each other and it's just her and dh at home.  So I said, what you're all about family.  I was upset, angry but hurt mostly, so I wanted to end the conversation and she said, don't hang up, we could still talk...wt....

She is numb to her emotions, I don't matter like both of you TT88 and Bheart.   She sent me an email in the following February 2018, on how to forgive someone who wronged you.  No hi, how are you, whatever.   I never answered or heard from her and have no intention to do so until NM, the master puppet is still here.  She is in her late 80's.  Because of that, I am seeing less of her dds that are in the fog.  I

I had to process this anger after having been through that with NM.   Yes, it hurts being betrayed and rejected by our FOO.  I finally accepted it and now am there for the right people, my FOC.

[Lillith65]

Twinkletoes88, Your account is very similar to my own experience with my younger sister. She is younger by 4 years and for many years I tried to maintain a relationship with her despite her passive aggression, outright abuse and lack of support. I went NC last May with her and my UPDM and I feel a lot better for it.