Dealing with my sibling

[confuseddaughter]

After years of feeling hurt and confused by my family, I have gone NC with my dad and brother. This came after incredibly abusive behaviour from them after a tragedy I experienced.

I am now struggling with having a relationship with my sister. She claims to understand and sympathise with what happened to me. She said I was treated awfully and that her partner said it was the worst thing he'd ever heard someone do. Yet she still has a good relationship with both of them.

It really hurts me as I feel that she's not stood up for me in any meaningful way. If she knows they are such awful people then why want them in her life? It feels like a betrayal. When I try to talk to her about it she either gives me the silent treatment or just says she understands how I feel or that she's offended that I don't think she stood up for me. Some of it is driven by money as she often needs bailing out whereas I don't.

I'm scared I'm going to end up with no family but I feel I'm betraying myself by overlooking her attitude.

[bloomie]

confuseddaughter - when you have directly addressed your sister's confusing alliances - when her words and choices are not lining up - you are wise to pay close attention to a response that, from what you describe here, turns the offense back on you.

I have learned that living in a perpetual state of uncertainty about a sibling's loyalties is not beneficial for my mental health and conducive to healing.

What that looks like for me with a sibling who stays connected to abusive family members and has positioned herself to benefit from all sides, is to adjust the amount of trust and the level of sharing and expectation of the relationship to a very superficial level. I stick to safe topics, rarely see her in person - which is fairly easy as we live a a big distance, and I do not discuss the circumstances surrounding the break in my relationship with another sibling with her, ever. I am very circumspect about what I share about my life with her always.

What I have found, in time, is this gave me room to admit the reality of what my sister and I can have together. It also gave me room to grieve what I will never have and see very clearly that, in my case, there are some pretty deep character issues at play with my sister. I accept her for who she is. I expect no support from her around traumatic and unjust behaviors from unstable and cruel family members toward me. Despite what she may have said, my own sister does what is best and most advantageous for herself and is not truthful. That has been her default coping and I have compassion and understanding for the way she has chosen to cope and live her life.

I go to trusted friends and mentors for reliable and wise support. Not my sister. She doesn't have that to give me.

I am really sorry your sister is not your rock through all she has witnessed you going through.

[confuseddaughter]

Bloomie thank you for replying.

It is uncanny how similar your situation sounds to mine. My sister has definitely positioned herself in a way as to keep a relationship with all side. She does what is best and most advantageous to herself as you say.

It surprises me because I know she has been on the receiving end of pretty abusive behaviour. However, like you say, I can learn to respect how she has decided to cope with our family. She has low self esteem and that means she has ended up far less independent than me.

I guess I struggle because I feel lonely. I am so ashamed at how my family has been so I don't feel comfortable turning to friends. I also don't have that many friends. I can turn to my husband but he doesn't understand the history the way my sister does. When I am with her, she seems to be in the same mental space as me and acknowledges how awful they all are. But then I find out that she's been playing happy families with all of them. Every time it feels like a betrayal.

Your advice is right though. I need to accept her limitations and distance myself mentally from her.

[bloomie]

confuseddaughter - I get it! Maybe, like me, in time now that you are dealing with the reality of what you can/cannot expect from your sister you will be able to develop at least one relationship with a friend or mentor who has walked a similar path and who understands enough to 'get it'.

That is what I found for myself. When I let go of the hope/idea/belief that no one else could really understand and I needed my sister... it was really hard and very sad, but it made room for someone who was healthy and who could support me. I am wishing that for you, in time.

[mary_poppins]

After years of feeling hurt and confused by my family, I have gone NC with my dad and brother. This came after incredibly abusive behaviour from them after a tragedy I experienced.

I am now struggling with having a relationship with my sister. She claims to understand and sympathise with what happened to me. She said I was treated awfully and that her partner said it was the worst thing he'd ever heard someone do. Yet she still has a good relationship with both of them.

It really hurts me as I feel that she's not stood up for me in any meaningful way. If she knows they are such awful people then why want them in her life? It feels like a betrayal. When I try to talk to her about it she either gives me the silent treatment or just says she understands how I feel or that she's offended that I don't think she stood up for me. Some of it is driven by money as she often needs bailing out whereas I don't.

I'm scared I'm going to end up with no family but I feel I'm betraying myself by overlooking her attitude.

So sorry that this happens to you.

In my experience, siblings who don't stand up for you and continue to maintain contact with abusers have abusive traits themselves.
It is very, very, very hard to let them go. Siblings are not our parents, we still somehow hope they'll come around because, well, they've been there with us in the house and watched the abuse happen. That's why we subsconsciously hope they'll come around and go NC, too.
I had to grieve both my brothers who, btw, they take my parents's side in everything they do. I am apparently the bad one who likes to stir up drama in the family and they're the innocent ones. Sorry but I cannot have a relationship with people who are in complete denial of my family's dynamics and their own abuses. It hurts me so deeply to even consider a relationship with them. They're both unsafe people to hang out with.

Sending you hugs!

[JustKat]

In my experience, siblings who don't stand up for you and continue to maintain contact with abusers have abusive traits themselves.

Yes! That was the case with my own sister. In my family I was the SG and my brother the GC. My sister was the "lost child," and was controlled by my parents her entire life. I felt genuinely sorry for her. When I went to family gatherings my mother was verbally abusive toward her and they were always arguing. After I went NC with my parents, my sister continued to email me with her grievances. I guess I thought we'd end up bonding after my parents were gone, but the short story is that she turned out to be as disordered (maybe even more so) than our Nmother was.

So yes, be wary of a sister who appears to be loyal to both her disordered parent and her abused sibling. Your situation may not end the way mine did, but it's something to be aware of. I loved my sister and had hoped to reconnect with her, but my mother had more than fifty years to brainwash her, and that's hard to undo. A sister who is trying to sit on both sides of the fence will eventually have to choose one side over the other.

So I've also had to grieve the loss of my sister. I thought we had a shared experience, but as it now stands, I'll never speak to her again. Like you, I don't have a lot of friends and my husband just doesn't understand what I've been through, and that can be a lonely place.

It's hard.

Let me add to that group Mary Poppins started.

[feralcat]

Hi all. I agree with everything everyone has said here.
I'm the 'lost child' in my family. Eventually my unPdM pushed me Out of the FOG. Now I'm not only VLC with her but also my siblings. Because over time I realised that they're damaging as well. In various ways. Some overtly, some covertly. Children copy what they see, unless very self aware..Tbh I only talk to 2 of them.

I see most only  for Occassions. I have them all on a low information diet. I expect nothing from any of them. Definitely not support. If we have a nice chat, then that's it. A nice chat with a casual acquaintance.

They complain about unPdM , and each other, but can't seem to pull away. Which is totally up to them. They're all becoming more and more enmeshed , moany and isolated . So sad.
Any information is shared information.

When unPdM dies (89) , I can't imagine what they'll do. I imagine my SG financially dependent Sis will try to take on the matriarch role. The spider will have gone from the centre of the web. I'm hoping then to basically vanish.

[donutmoonpanda]

I find that oftentimes on this forum we're talking about how PD family says one thing, but does another. They don't act as if they really believe what they're saying. Their words don't seem genuine because they act as if they don't even believe it.

I think it's important to always focus on how it feels rather than how it appears. Your sister is saying that she's supportive, but it she's also making you feel bad. Following my feelings has always worked for me.

I sympathize with your situation. I don't have a relationship with dad, brother, or mom now and that can be incredibly hard.