Triggers

[MargaritaBulgakov]

Hello all,

I lurk occasionally, but haven't posted in a while. I've been NC with both my parents for nearly 2.5 years.

In the beginning, I didn't really have a plan. I just knew I couldn't keep going around in circles and so I just stopped and got off the merry go round. I think I did think things would get resolved but then time just passed and nothing changed.

In the beginning I was super insecure and even frightened by my "defiance". I was so afraid of being punished. In the end there was nothing they could do and for the first time in my life (and I'm in my late thirties) I realized that they didn't have any real power.

Next I went through a stage where I pitied them and wondered if I was just too hard on them, expecting too much. But this stage came and went too because I only had two remember how quickly everything escalated.

Next I went through a stage where I missed having a parent any parent at all. But this was overruled too. I realized it was probably better to focus on the other relationships in my life, like being a good parent, good spouse, neighbor etc.

Today I mostly live life without thinking of them but occasionally little snippets jump back. It's like when something happens in a day that reminds you of a dream you had forgotten. Mostly these little triggers shock me. I realize just how crazy it all had been. It seems unfathomable to me that once upon a time I wasn't sure if my reasons for NC were valid.

Here is an example:

My daughter has her first ballet performance coming up.
Me: I'm so excited for you! This is going to be so much fun!
Daughter: Did you dance ballet when you were a kid too?
Me: oh no. My mom didn't want me to.
Daughter: why not?
Me: Because she thought I was too fat. (Suddenly incredulous that I just admitted that out loud)
Daughter (jaw dropped): Were you?
Me: (very slowly) No. Actually not. I was just average.

I have triggers like this every so often. Just a vague memories of the way things really were. And the new me, the one who is no longer justifying and ignoring all of those casual acts of cruelties (and there were thousands upon thousands) is floored. Like how did I allow it to go on for so long?

[KeepingMyBlue]

This reminds me of one of my more defiant moments as a kid.

"Mom, I tried out for choir!"
"I'm so sorry sweetie!" *hugs*
"Um, I got in, btw."
"But you're tone deaf!"
"The teacher didn't think so."

Queue the manipulations, but I am proud I didn't give that one up!

[Sidney37]

It's so hard.  I am so sorry that those things still trigger you.  What she said wasn't OK.

I was in the choir and theater growing up.  She was mortified.  She was so afraid my performances would embarrass her.  She was always trying to get me to quit.   She called my singing "screaming" and my piano playing "banging" as a way to discourage me.    She was furious when I tried out for a school play.  She claimed at the time that she was just trying to keep me from being disappointed when I didn't get a part.  I got it and all she could talk about was how everyone else was going to be better than I was. She was especially mad when I sang in the church choir when someone pointed out how nice it was to see me paying attention to the sermon as a teen.  OH NO!  The other teens weren't paying attention.  I was , so that embarrassed her, too?!?!   I should sing with less emotion and not pay attention?!?

I'm never embarrassed when my kids try something new.  I'm just proud of their efforts!   Our moms have no idea how to love us and just accept us for who we are. 

[Hilltop]

When I hear people say they played sports or were in the school play in school.  My parents never wanted to drive us anywhere as it interrupted their time so I literally was never part of anything in school, no sports, no plays, no choir, nothing.  Hell even on my 16th birthday I was grounded, no going out, no phone calls, nothing.  Sweet 16.

[SomethingElse]

Honestly, I respect your use of the word "defiant". Language has a lot of power. I have found that taking back language that sounds "harsh" has helped me to overcome the anxiety and triggers more easily. Good for you. I think that adults have the responsibility to take back power over their own lives when it has been stolen by PD family members and chosen relationships.
And it is commendable that it has been 2 and a half years for you.

[11JB68]

Interesting thread.
Updm never encouraged me to do any extracurriculars, I did them anyway, often she complained (inconvenient for her). Also yes lots of shaming about poor singing, playing, not the right body style etc. Made me quit a sport once 'because of my asthma'...
H's mom forced him to do stuff he didn't want to do because it's what she wanted...just as bad.
I've tried really hard to give ds opportunities and choices without forcing or judging...hope I've done ok by him... Though I think uPDh traumatized him a bit when he helped me coach a team....I left uPDh pout of most stuff after that...

[MargaritaBulgakov]

Thanks everyone who has added to this thread. Whenever I come here, I'm always amazed at how many people have such similar experiences.

It occurs to me while examining this thread that throughout my childhood my mother reminded me how fat I was and continued to do so for as long as I was in contact with her. It's funny in a non humorous way how these little eurekas have only happened after I put some distance between her and myself.

My mother's way of reminding me daily about my size was always couched as if she cared and was my loving defender. It was confusing for me and not at all clear cut. The thing about ballet, and I remember begging repeatedly to dance, wasn't like she said, "No way you little fatty." It was more like, "Oh honey, ballet is for those little anorexic girls. You're just not built like that. You're SO much prettier than they are." The same was said when I wanted to do gymnastics. I was allowed to do karate for about 3 months. I think she paid for one season in the hopes that I would quit on my own but I loved it and had just gotten my first new belt color. She promptly pulled me out saying it wasn't really for girls.

I never was really fat. I had a bit of baby pudge as kid but by the time I got to high school I had grown out of it. I was even voted the second prettiest girl in school when I was a sophomore, which has always made me laugh. I was so confused at the time. I thought it was a mistake. I had just assumed by then that I was simply a fat girl and therefore ugly because my mom made it clear that the two went hand in hand in her round about subtle way.

In high school I played sports. I ran cross country, participated in track and field and played varsity soccer. I don't remember either of my parents attending anything or even commenting on any matches or games or asking how they went. Which is strange when I consider that my mother was definitely a highly enmeshing and smothering mom.

I suffered a tremendous amount of body image disorders. The disorders really haunted me but in the last couple of years I've noticed that they're fading away. Dramatically so.

[11JB68]

Margarita...
First, your comment:"It's funny in a non humorous way how these little eurekas have only happened after I put some distance between her and myself. "
I feel this too...and even with updh, whom I'm still with...but having Out of the FOG/tools I have been able to get some mental distance and observe more objectively..
Also...my uPDm was similar...enmeshed yes...but NEVER attended a track meet or field hockey game....why? So weird...but one thing I'm learning...there is no logic to their behavior

[frogjumpsout]

Coming very late to this, but just in case anyone's reading in the archives, like me: It seems like the logic is that they don't want to be there for events where we might win.

[donutmoonpanda]

Coming very late to this, but just in case anyone's reading in the archives, like me: It seems like the logic is that they don't want to be there for events where we might win.

Oh wow. Absolutely. And that can take so many forms. Simply ignoring and not encouraging can be a way to keep us from trying.

I'm NC with my mom and keep getting realizations of how little she taught me about hygiene. Like she taught me NOTHING. My dad used to cut my nails and tweeze my eyebrows. I asked him why I smelled and he took me to buy my first bar of deodorant. ((It's also nice to remember these little kind moments with my dad too, made me feel close to him))

But now I can see Mom's actions for what they are -- she wanted me to be gross. Or at least not "traditionally feminine" because she loved to see me struggle and fail. She didn't want people to regard me as cute -- cuter than her. She wouldn't even allow me to shave until way too late to even disclose here.

[frogjumpsout]

Simply ignoring and not encouraging can be a way to keep us from trying.

So true, donutmoonpanda, and thanks so much for responding to my comment! I hope you are now doing lots of things your mother discouraged you from doing. 

[Cat of the Canals]

She wouldn't even allow me to shave until way too late to even disclose here.

Same here. I started doing it in secret, which is how I was "allowed" to do it all. There was certainly no age she would have decided it would be OK.

She couched her anti-shaving and anti-bra stance as part of being a "feminist." Never mind that to me, a true feminist supports women making their own choices.

The reality is that she did not want me to grow up or individuate in any way.

[sunshine702]

I also didn't get a lot of makeup or shaving or period help. .  I read a lot of magazines to teach me.  I am an only girl with a Narc mom so I kinda learned on my own now really enjoy it.  She is still competing with me to this day. HER makeup is more expensive- and I could care less!!  They went to my activities and supported me but boy am I still rocked with self doubt about performing anything in public.  Stage fright to the max!

[NarcKiddo]

I had to deal with a lot of body issues by myself but that was because my mother was totally engulfing and intrusive. I was a late developer and at a  girls' boarding school so I was desperate to wear a bra like the other girls as soon as there was any justification to do so. But I didn't dare to ask my mother to help, partly because there would be two outcomes, neither of which was pleasant. She would either blow her top because she did not want to be bothered to go to the shops and bras were expensive and I didn't need one yet because I was flat as a pancake. Or she would enter into the purchase with great enthusiasm, strip me down, measure me up, handle me to assess me for size etc etc. So I saved up my pocket money and went to buy one all by myself. I was too scared to ask the shop assistant for help and bought a ridiculously stout monstrosity of a thing.

Going back to the performance aspect in earlier comments, she never really had to bother with anything like that because of the boarding school. They were abroad so no question of them having to get involved with watching me do stuff. She likes performing herself, mind, so home life was and is full of her singing or her plays or her stories or whatever. We would all be expected to join in, and do a good job plus be enthusiastic, but we also had to help make sure her performance was up to scratch and then praise the heck out of it. If I wanted to do anything that cost extra money it was an issue (they could afford it) unless it was something she wanted me to do. I took up a musical instrument and was actually quite good at it, if sailing through the examination grades at speed is anything to go by. But for some reason she hated it and was unbelievably critical. I have taken it up again in my later life but cannot have anyone listen to me play. My husband is musical, and supportive, but I still wait until he is out of the house before practising.

I find it fascinating how many of the same themes play out with these people.