Coping with MIL since my husband died, anyone been there?

[Awesome516]

Hi everyone,
I'm back again venting about NMIL, who can mess with my head like no one else. You'd think by the age of 63 I could deal with this but once in a while I still get off balance. It's difficult because anyone with mother in law issues seems to have other family members to share with, though it's often complicated for anyone.  I posted a while back and got some great advice, but could use another pep talk.

A little background:  my husband, her only child, died six years ago. I have two married children, and soon to be two grandchildren who live across the country. Throughout my 32 year marriage, there was ongoing family chaos and craziness.  My In-laws were divorced after an awful marriage but the dysfunction continued. Alcoholic NFIL died not long before my husband. Somehow, with several years of excellent counseling, learning about serious personality disorders and hard work, DH and I managed to have a loving marriage and two great kids. I'll miss him forever. He was never close with either parent, but we learned to do the medium chill, low contact method which was very helpful.  I never spent much one on one time with MIL but now she's in her 80s and there's no other family, it's just me. She healthy, active and lives alone in an over 55 community about 45 minutes from me.  She has nice neighbors but many are snow birds. I've tactfully tried to discuss options for her future safety since I'll be traveling often, but she refuses. She believes she's the most beautiful, healthy person that ever lived. At one time she had high blood pressure, but doesn't believe in doctors, so she wasn't treated.  Recently she looked at an assisted living community but left immediately when she saw a few people in wheelchairs who had a lot of wrinkles. Never mind the fantastic environment and care.  Nope, they were old and so ugly! 🤯  This was a wonderful age-in-place community, from total independence to end of life, and everything in between. She has the funds to afford it.  I realize there's nothing I can do, and it's likely a crisis will force the decision eventually. Getting a geriatric care manager is an alternative, and that's up to her or a social worker if something happens.

There's no conversation only monologues of the most mind-numbing kind.  It's all about personal problems of people I've never met, (diahrrea in particular) miracle vitamins and diets, ( one that could have cured my husband had we only listened to her!), products she uses that keep her skin beautiful, terrible things FIL did to her decades ago, she's the only one without grey hair, men want to date her and women are jealous, soon all my friends will be dying, just wait, don't we have a wonderful president, and damn those liberals. (No politics from me, it's just an example of her ever-changing, random topics).  This can all come up in one short phone call.  Her thought process is like a pinball machine.  My responses are usually "huh" and "wow" Which seem to suffice for just about everything.  Often my doorbell will ring or my phone is about to die, and I'm doing my best with medium chill. 🙄👍

Lately I've felt very manipulated by her, much like when I was young and vulnerable to her tactics, and I can't believe she still affects me this way.  For mother's day, I sent a bland card with a gift card to her favorite store, and called to wish her a happy day. Well, she was so appreciative!  Here's what she said:   Just when she'd been feeling unloved, abandoned and forgotten, I finally called. Everyone else was taken out for brunch, but it's ok, she knew I was too busy. Because the holidays aren't far away, (?) she already realizes she'll be alone, with me 5 hours away spending time with her great grandchildren, especially the new baby, whom she'll never get a chance to meet. Oh well, her wonderful friends will take pity on her, if they're still alive-  though they're dropping like flies from cancer. Of course she takes care of all of them because she's the only healthy one left. Even though she's so popular, she really doesn't like any of them, yet they need her. But a heartfelt thank you for the delightful mother's day card, she'll cherish it forever, I'm such a great daughter and doesn't know what she'd do without me!!  That was all in about five minutes.

I've stayed in low contact, but I seriously struggle with any contact. Some of these "conversations" could actually be funny with the absurdity, but then there's the ugliness she brings up from the past as well - and the frequency with which she changes topics - anything can come out of nowhere. So I get that awful knot in my stomach and flashbacks of what my DH went through all his life, not to mention our marriage. My conscience makes me check in every couple weeks which is all I can handle. Of course she feels neglected.   My husband worked hard to get past his awful experiences and there's no way I'll go back more often into her perpetual queen/ martyr/victim mentality. Fortunately my kids check in with her once in a while but they're far away and can't visit now with their jobs and babies. DH and I did our best to keep most of the dysfunction from them when they were young, so they don't understand it's strange effects.

Why does the FOG keep coming back? I recognize it. Some people have said it should be easy to walk away, she's not my mother.  She's so arrogant, scared and insecure at the same time.  I'm not cold and selfish.....  am I?
Im going to enjoy my wonderful kids, grandchildren, dear friends and the life I have now, being mindful of planning for my old age too. Thanks for reading, and I'd love to have anyone's perspective.

[looloo]

Hi Awesome516  ,

I'm curious: is there a story re: your relationship with your mother?  I think we tend to compare and contrast our in laws with our own parents, but you haven't mentioned your FOO.  Not to sound too "shrinky", but maybe there is something with your mother/FOO to reflect on, that might be helpful in figuring out a more satisfying or effective way to deal with your MIL.

[Awesome516]

Looloo that's an excellent question with a definite answer. My own mother was completely controlled by her domineering mother. She was raised with the guilt and shame method, through her church and by her parents. She was often angry and believed she was powerless her entire life, right up until the time she died, nearly 25 years after her mother.  She was controlled from the grave, I always thought. There are many issues I can think of in which she'd give up before she started, because she believed she'd fail. I know this sounds dramatic, but wow, is this ever a light bulb moment. I understand your logic completely. I've got some work to do! Thank you, and your perspective is so welcome.