Visited FOO's house - All Photos Of Me Have Been Taken Down!

[KeepONKeepingON]

I recently visited FOO's house and it appears that BPD mother has removed almost all photos of me.

On my parent's mantelpiece, my GC sister's wedding photo was placed in front of my wedding photo. GC sister's photo obscured me in my wedding photo, but DH husband could still be seen. The only reason FOO have a wedding photo of me, is because I gave them one. (Maybe I shouldn't have bothered!)

Photos of me as a child had been taken down and put in a box in the spare bedroom, where I slept with FOC.

There are no graduation photos of me up - there are graduation photos of GC sister and LC brother up.

I looked at a childhood family album. BPD mother wrote a glowing account of what a beautiful baby my brother was and then wrote, how perfect brother was until he became like me (KeepONKeepinON!!!) 

I have lived abroad for a few years, I stored some things, that I carefully packed away in my parent's house. They have space and enfather told me it was ok if I stored a some boxes in their house. BPD mother opened my boxes and took whatever she wanted, this included fairly expensive jewellery. She gave away some items and lied to me, when I asked her where some items where.

Her attitude towards my things, has been to help herself to whatever she wants. She has taken jewellery which I don't think I will get back. I would not mind people borrowing things, if they asked, but she never has never asked me. If I took anything of hers, she would be very angry at me and give out to me.

This has also applied to any wedding presents, I got when I got married a few years ago. I left a lot of wedding presents at FOO's house as I got married in my home country and then went back to my home abroad. BPD mother helped herself to whatever she wanted from my wedding presents, including silver and drank all the bottles of prosecco that were left over from the wedding.

I have accepted that BPD mother is probably never going to change and I think in general I can deal with that. I do have feelings of sadness as I feel that she has never really liked me (as shown by her inscription in the family photo album) and probably never will.

Have any other people on this forum dealt with this? Do you have examples of being written out of the family?

How do you deal with the sadness that comes that feeling that you are being written out of your FOO?

[SunnyMeadow]

Taking your photos down is very hurtful. Really shows what's in her heart and it isn't pretty. And for crying out loud, helping herself to your wedding gifts, jewelry and prosecco?  Their feelings of entitlement are really mind boggling.

I've watched dozens of family members and friends being wiped away and written out of the family. I'm the last one, went LC, vLC and now NC and she is sending messages to try and destroy any feeling I had for her. It's shocking to witness a mother want to deeply hurt her child, by lashing out with venom. I'm sure my photos are in a bottom drawer somewhere.

Sorry you're feeling this hurt KeepON, unfortunately I understand.

[JustKat]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, KeepON. Family photos are something they really do like to weaponize. My NPDmother never liked displaying photos of me in the first place but did so for appearances. She had to look like a good mother when relatives came to visit, so had a few on the wall, next to dozens of GCbrother. In later years she returned all of my childhood photos to me. They were mailed to me in a box marked "garbage." Inside there was a note saying she was going to throw away "this old box of junk" but thought I might want it. I've heard this one from many other daughters of Nmothers. The returning of childhood photos seems to be a textbook narc thing. It rips your heart out when it happens, but of course, they know that.

My mother also routinely helped herself to my things. When I was a kid she would go through the Christmas gifts I received from other relatives, and if she saw something she liked, she would "hold" it for me until I was older. I never got those items back. As an adult, she was no longer able to steal my gifts but would insist on seeing everything I had received, would rummage through everything and make fun of certain items. They have no boundaries and feel entitled to do this.

On your question of how to deal with the sadness ... I was only ever able to partially deal with it. Between therapy and forums like this one, I learned to realize that it wasn't my fault and that her actions were the norm for someone with her disorder. I felt less sad knowing it wasn't my fault, but doubt I'll ever be able to shake off the hurt it caused me. Like SunnyMeadow, I also slowly detached until I was finally NC (though she continued her cruelty until she died).

Please know you're not alone. I also understand.

[overitall]

Oh yes, any and everything related to me has been stripped from FOO house
I only know this from my adult child because I have not entered their home in 10 plus years
My bpd mom gave every photo of me to my daughter in law, stating "she doesn't know what to do with them"
It used to bother me but I'm pretty much over it at this point
Thus my name, overitall

[eternallystuck]

Oh yes this a textbook narc move too from what I've seen.

IMO I think their main motivation for taking down/hiding photos with us in is because it's a huge seething guilt trip trigger to them. Especially photos of us as kids, it's a reminder just how much they crashed & burned the relationship, or caused the persistent mental health issues in their adult child. It's a reality check especially in regards to time. Ironically tho her & my gma hate each other but my gma still has a pic of my m out. That should give you some insight into how bad our relationship got.

My npd m has no photos of me in plain sight & it's deliberate & she wants me to know that. The only one of me with siblings is in a cupboard which you can't see as she's deliberately hung clothes over it. Hardly a shock to me tho since she's pushed me out since day 1.

Regarding them having no respect for your stuff- yep I concur that's another textbook thing I experience too. When my m downsized house without telling me her & her *** of a partner just threw my stuff carelessly into boxes & into the garage. Some of it broke but whatever it's 'just me'. They didn't even bother puttin them together so most my stuff is buried deep. For years it caused arguments when I asked where x y or z was..like I don't have a right to ask for my belongings. She would genuinely make me feel in the wrong for asking. Ironically when she moved it was only me out of 3 sibs that didn't have a room anymore. How nice of her not to tell me until I found out by accident 👍🏼

Sometimes when I'm writing these things out, I really find it hard to believe this person is my m. I strongly believe people should be mentally vetted before being allowed to continue their pregnancy

[Mathilda]

My mother asked if I wanted to have my school reports from third grade. They were cute little books, with stories and funny drawings, writing and math tests to show the parents the progress you had made and at the end the teacher's evaluation. Between the pages there was even a fingerpainting I had made her for mothersday.
"I'm cleaning up the mess. Would you like to have them? If not, I'll throw them away".
I felt confused when she asked. Ofcourse I don't expect her to keep everything of me, but it was the way she asked. Like she didn't care. At all. I didn't want them to be thrown away, so I kept them.

I know she also "cleaned up" photos (she said "we have way too many"), a lot of them simply disappeared.

So I guess this sounds familiar in a way.

[JustKat]

"I'm cleaning up the mess. Would you like to have them? If not, I'll throw them away".

That's exactly how my school records and childhood items were returned to me. "I was cleaning out the storage locker and found this old junk. Do you want it? If not, I'll just throw it away."

As you said, I wouldn't expect a parent to keep all of these items, but to hear it referred to as unwanted garbage was, well ... probably a reflection of how she viewed me.

[Mathilda]

"I'm cleaning up the mess. Would you like to have them? If not, I'll throw them away".

That's exactly how my school records and childhood items were returned to me. "I was cleaning out the storage locker and found this old junk. Do you want it? If not, I'll just throw it away."

As you said, I wouldn't expect a parent to keep all of these items, but to hear it referred to as unwanted garbage was, well ... probably a reflection of how she viewed me.

It's exactly that. She literally called it "cleaning up the mess".
I have no children, but I can't imagine me throwing them away in the first place (how much space do they really take??) but if I really really  needed space, I guess I would say something like "I really need some more space, so I have to clean up. But these are so lovely and cute honey, I definitely wouldn't want to throw them away! Is it ok for you to keep them?" Something like that.

A few years ago I went to their home because I wanted to look at some old family pictures. I did this while they were away, I didn't want them to be present and I had a door key (returned that to them when I went NC), found out lots of pictures were missing. I remembered that she had said something similar a few months prior "I'm cleaning up the mess, we have way too many pictures".

I took pictures of the remaining photos with my cellphone. At least those she won't be able to throw away.

[Mathilda]

My mother asked if I wanted to have my school reports from third grade. They were cute little books, with stories and funny drawings, writing and math tests to show the parents the progress you had made and at the end the teacher's evaluation. Between the pages there was even a fingerpainting I had made her for mothersday.
"I'm cleaning up the mess. Would you like to have them? If not, I'll throw them away".

The positive side is that she not only wanted to get rid of my school records but also those of brother.
No scapegoat or GC, she seems to just hate us both.

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for the replies. It's good to see that this is a symptom of my mother's condition and I do realise that it's not personal.

JustKathy, I'm sorry your mother sent you your childhood photos in a box marked garbage. That's super cruel. Interesting that she also felt entitled to help herself to your childhood presents.

Overitall, good for you, that's great that you have been able to detach from the whole situation.

SunnyMeadow, my mind boggles at the destructive behaviour of such personality types, I am sorry your mother is like that. Their behaviour is very hurtful.

Eternallystuck,

Sometimes when I'm writing these things out, I really find it hard to believe this person is my m.

Yup nothing motherly about that kind of behaviour!

Mathilda, yes you would expect that your mother would want to hold onto your school reports. That's horrible that she wanted to get rid of your Mother's Day card.

Funnily enough, when I left to study abroad for a year, my stuff was moved out of my bedroom and brother was given that bedroom. I was allocated a smaller room when I came back and when I left again, BPD mother quickly turned that my former bedroom into her study. She helped herself to anything of mine that she felt like to decorate her study and bedroom.

I bought her a nice print for her birthday, she 'lost' it for a while and has now found it again. I love painting and drawing, anything I painted or sculpted that NPD mother liked - she just took it. And then she told me that she liked one of my paintings and that I wasn't getting it back. When I visited, she would sometimes take some of my artwork down and put it in shoe cupboard. I guess to show me that she didn't like my artwork that much! 

[Hilltop]

I too have had all my childhood photo's and other stuff returned to me, although it was never referred to as junk.  My FOO home also has the majority of photo's of my sister and her children.  If I had to go find a photo of me I would have to search in the rear corner of the living room.  In all other rooms there are photo's everywhere of my sister and her kids. Normally everyone sits in the kitchen, there are no photo's of me there, only my sister and her kids. My mothers laptop screensaver my sister and her kids, my mothers phone screensaver, my sisters kids.

My mother has also given away property of mine.  My grandfather asked my mother if I wanted my grandmothers ring.  She didn't even ask me, she told him no I didn't want it.  He gave it to my aunt instead.  My mother was looking through photos from my last holiday.  I had the photo's on a USB stick. She copied a couple of photo's, without me knowing what she was doing, to send to my sister (who I don't speak to) and her friend (a person I have never met).  She didn't even ask.  She did it and then a week later said to me "I've sent photo's to your sister and my friend, do you mind?".  I replied with "Why are you asking, you have already done it, so does it matter if I mind or not.".  The question stumped her, she couldn't answer.

To me it's another way of saying my feelings don't matter.  They are disregarded.  How to cope.  I have slowly removed the things that hurt.  I don't talk on the phone with her anymore as she would say cutting remarks.  I have decided not to go to the FOO home anymore as it hurts to see all my sisters photo's displayed everywhere.  I don't show holiday photo's anymore as I can't trust that my mother will copy photo's and send them to my sister who I don't even speak with. The last time I showed them photo's the comment was "well lets get this over with".  On the other hand when I see their photo's I am happy to do so. Her actions use to surprise me, I guess over time I have come to understand that she will continually do things that are hurtful.  I now place that with her rather than on me.

[sandpiper]

Yep, been there. A number of PD FOO have done this to me - I detached a long time ago & it's their way of punishing you. It's beyond them to actually stop and consider why you'd want to leave them & to contemplate the thought that perhaps they need to consider their own behaviour & how that has driven you away.
This is incredibly hurtful & it took me a long time to get past it.
You need to let yourself grieve and be angry and know that it comes and goes in waves.
She's also likely to call on you and demand that you return as the obedient servant when something goes wrong in her life.
I've been there with that one too & that's a challenge as they reel in others to abuse you via proxy recruitment. Everything is drama, blame and victimhood - nothing is about sincere efforts to study what has gone wrong & to find healthy ways forward.
Just a note - I went through this discussion many years ago in my early days at these boards and one of the most profound pieces of insight came from another member, who I can't remember but I wish to acknowledge how grateful I am for what she shared.
Her T pointed out that by purging all trace of you and leaving the photos of the 'good' children in place, there is an implied threat to those that are still there 'I can do this to you, too.'
It's a classic abuser move. They aren't doing it for the sole purpose of hurting you - they are doing it to say to the others 'Watch your step or you'll be on the garbage heap next.'
PDs will often try to seem more loving and tender to those that are still in their good books but the threat is ever present, one false move and their targeting system will turn on the next mutinous child who dares to try to establish boundaries.
It's part of how abusers control small children inside toxic family systems & they never seem to learn a healthier system.
So this behaviour will be hurting others in the family because of the implied threat to them, should they step out of line.
You are being held up as an example to others.
Classic scapegoating.
If you want a good book to help you through it, Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' is an excellent resource. They use it as a textbook in the Domestic Violence unit at universities here in Australia. When I first came across it, it was at these boards - someone's therapist had brought it to their attention by saying 'Read this and replace the word man/he with *your mother*.'
I hope that helps. It's an awful thing to go through and such a childish way of lashing out.
All we can ever do is to know what we are feeling and try not to repeat their behaviours and find better ways of having relationships with the people we love.
Sadly those skills won't help us with the PD - in fact, my experience has been that learning healthy relationship skills actually makes it harder to deal with a PD - but it will help you to heal and to build a better life, and you'll be passing on a healthier set of tools to the next generation. Breaking the cycle is the best thing we can ever do xxx

[Mathilda]

Funnily enough, when I left to study abroad for a year, my stuff was moved out of my bedroom and brother was given that bedroom. I was allocated a smaller room when I came back and when I left again, BPD mother quickly turned that my former bedroom into her study. She helped herself to anything of mine that she felt like to decorate her study and bedroom.

Same here! When my brother left to join the army for 1,5 years, I was given his larger bedroom and when he came home for the weekends, he was given my much smaller bedroom.
Then brother came back from the army, moved in again, still had that smaller bedroom, but after a while I moved out to go to college.

He got his old room back, and now mother took the smaller bedroom.
When I came home for the weekends, didn't have a room anymore 
Not that it mattered that much. Usually I stayed for only a few hours, then left again. The only thing she did when I visited was staring out of the window and complaining about all the horrible things my father had said and done  . Never asked how I was doing or coping.