what has to happen to finally be able to choose me?

not broken · May 14, 2019, 11:08:45 PM

I have been married for 19 years and it's only been the last one to two that I have realized I was even in the fog, let alone come Out of the FOG. Now I can see it happen- I see him lie, I see him gaslight, I see him react with anger, in the moment when he is doing it. I see it happen, and call it out. I try to respond with indifference and to be matter of fact. I am honest about his verbal and emotional abuse- I don't allow it anymore, I don't make excuses and he still proceeds like we are happily working back towards life together. He exhausts me and it is so damn hard when I see him act like a little boy, a child in his responses. I don't get fully sucked back in, I remain in my fortress with my walls up, keeping space and even with that I just feel so badly for him sometimes. He genuinely looks lost. I know I can't fix him. I know I can't continue. I feel so stuck in the middle. Why can't I choose me yet? What has to happen so that I can choose me?

divorcedfromnpd · May 15, 2019, 02:23:50 AM

When I was in a similar stage to yours what prevented me from moving forward and exiting the relationship was my fear of what would happen when I finally let my NPD ex know I was leaving.

Don't let your fear of what they may do stop you from doing what is right for you.

Whiteheron · May 15, 2019, 03:35:36 PM

Quote from: divorcedfromnpd on May 15, 2019, 02:23:50 AM
When I was in a similar stage to yours what prevented me from moving forward and exiting the relationship was my fear of what would happen when I finally let my NPD ex know I was leaving.

Don't let your fear of what they may do stop you from doing what is right for you.

Fear and doubt. That's what kept me tied to stbx for so long. He wanted me afraid to leave, he wanted me to doubt myself. He planted those seeds at the beginning of our relationship and made sure I was reminded of them from time to time.
I never thought of leaving as me finally choosing myself. I just got to the point where I was physically and mentally exhausted by him. I just couldn't do it anymore. There was nothing left.

sad_dog_mommy · May 16, 2019, 06:18:15 AM

Fear and doubt held me back too. Over the years he had filled my head with doubt by saying things like "No one will treat you as well as I do." "No one will put up with your $#&! like I do." "You don't know what true love and commitment is." "You never had children so you don't understand how the real world works."

Your post show that you have a full understanding of his "condition". I believe a personality disorder is a form of mental illness. Now that you can see his moves as he plays them, take time to focus on healing your self-esteem. I think PDs eat away at our soul BUT we can get it all back!

In my opinion self love, self care and self focus are the next steps on our way Out of the FOG. Treat yourself kindly, even if it is a hot bath or a cup of tea. Get busy with friends and family outside of the home (away from him) if possible. Little things will make a big difference. Do you write in a journal? If you don't I suggest you start one, journals are like free therapy. Buy a blank notebook with a pretty cover and dump all your thoughts down on paper. (hide it well)

((( hug )))

blunk · May 16, 2019, 01:13:42 PM

I can relate. My bpdxh always told me things like, nobody else will ever love you like I do...but after a while it was more like, nobody else will ever love you. He would call me horrible names; fat, ugly, stupid, biT$%, c@&#. He ate away at my self esteem, my confidence, everything good I felt about me. Even when he did compliment me it was backhanded. I had finally reached the point where you are, I could see it all for what it was.

I think what I felt most as I reached the point of leaving was a fear of being blamed for the breakup of the relationship. I don't know what he said to anyone as I have cut all ties with mutual friends, his family, etc. At one point it was as if I was waiting for that one undeniable thing to happen...something so terrible that I could say "it's over" and walk away guilt free.

That eventually came when he told me that he hoped I died...and while I was trying my best to determine whether or not I could forgive him when he turned around and told me that I should just kill myself (this from someone who I had to have hospitalized for suicidal thoughts). Needless to say, that was it. Oh and he read my journal and blew up at me about it when I got home from work that same night. So I agree wholeheartedly with Sad Dog Mommy...if you are going to keep a journal keep it well hidden.

Blackbird11 · May 16, 2019, 04:27:04 PM

not right - currently asking myself the same question. I actually thought I might decide to end things this week, but now I feel like I can't. I keep going back and forth. I've started listening to some divorce podcasts
and I keep hearing "you'll know when it's time." Will we?

Poison Ivy · May 16, 2019, 04:38:36 PM

I didn't "know when it is time." Well, maybe I knew it was time when I realized that there likely wouldn't be one BIG THING that would push me to decide to get a divorce and then I realized I was tired of thinking about my miserable marriage but not doing anything to end the marriage.

Whiteheron · May 16, 2019, 05:52:50 PM

Quote from: Blackbird11 on May 16, 2019, 04:27:04 PM
not right - currently asking myself the same question. I actually thought I might decide to end things this week, but now I feel like I can't. I keep going back and forth. I've started listening to some divorce podcasts
and I keep hearing "you'll know when it's time." Will we?

No. I chose the week ahead of time, then the day. Then I just closed my eyes and jumped into the abyss.

I had known for five years that I needed to get away from him. I just couldn't. I was paralyzed. Even after I found he was cheating, I still waited a few months before filing. In all honesty, it wasn't until DS told me he could take no more of his dad's behaviors that enabled me to finally file.

Kat54 · May 16, 2019, 11:59:53 PM

You are in the same situation as many on this board are. My life as it was looked like a mirror of yours. What will it take until you choose you? After many years of my ex's abuse and Making me feel worthless and his absolutely childish crazy behavior; the depression became so bad I didn't think I would make it out alive.
Fortunately trying to get us both to therapy saved me. He ended up refusing to go anymore... no surprise. I kept going and as he said, " that therapist F'd you up" because I finally got the courage. As I was afraid and felt paralyzed of going against him. His hold on me and putting me down for so many years was what kept me in my marriage for 24 years...probably 15 years to long.
When you do choose you, don't look back. It's the best thing I ever did, and it will be the same for you.
I'm happy, a little poor but I'd rather live in the gutter than with him.
Everyday now, I choose me. Good luck!

Jsinjin · May 17, 2019, 07:04:43 AM

Quote from: Kat54 on May 16, 2019, 11:59:53 PM
You are in the same situation as many on this board are. My life as it was looked like a mirror of yours. What will it take until you choose you? After many years of my ex's abuse and Making me feel worthless and his absolutely childish crazy behavior; the depression became so bad I didn't think I would make it out alive.
Fortunately trying to get us both to therapy saved me. He ended up refusing to go anymore... no surprise. I kept going and as he said, " that therapist F'd you up" because I finally got the courage. As I was afraid and felt paralyzed of going against him. His hold on me and putting me down for so many years was what kept me in my marriage for 24 years...probably 15 years to long.
When you do choose you, don't look back. It's the best thing I ever did, and it will be the same for you.
I'm happy, a little poor but I'd rather live in the gutter than with him.
Everyday now, I choose me. Good luck!

This is the response I see from so many. I'm a math and statistics person for my job and I wonder if there is something about the number of approximately 20plus years and marriage and children with a PD spouse that results in a breaking point. The path seems to be the same, we hit that low after carrying and the only way out is a journey. I feel fortunate to have stumbled onto this resource.

Ultimately you are not simply choosing you from the perspective of being selfish. You are choosing to be healthy and to have healthy relationships with others. Truth this helps you but it also helps everyone in your life.

Continue the climb, it is sunnier and the air is better at the higher elevations.

Rose1 · May 20, 2019, 04:27:49 AM

I think in long term relationships with a pd that as they age a number of factors come in to cause a change. For ourselves we are often dealing with children that are older and developing independence. They are not npd supply anymore. We are often working and often become sole support. We are getting less input into big decisions and more demands on our time so become single parens by default.

Pds see our exhaustion as drawing away and ramp it up. They are not likely to see us at a point in time where we need support. On top of that pds dont age well. Exbpdh stared to turn into his ubpdm. So what was minimal support became throwing me under the bus regularly, as I had more demands on me. He was less able to hold a job so I had to. He wasnt willing to pull his weight around the house or with the kids. So I became an exhausted mess at the point of collapse.

His complaint? One of them was I don't make him 3 course meals anymore. No kidding. He had promised to keep the house together so I agreed to work full time and he quit before he even started. I was going 7 days a week intp the night and trying to keep the kids going as well. It's not possible.
Hence sometimes we are catapulted Out of the FOG or at least see it as life saving.

Spygirl · May 22, 2019, 01:12:13 PM

I am always amazed at how commom the behaviors are, and how we tend to come into this experience thinking our personal situation is different, and fixable. I just cant get over it.