Coping with emotional abuse when you don't know who is instigating it

[me01t]

I need some advice on how to move forward after 7 very difficult months. I cannot avoid these people entirely and I am unsure who is instigating the abuse and who is following it which, in a small community is making it very difficult to handle.

Last year I was close friends with B & C. B was a single male and  C is a married female. Myself and B were very close and were in almost constant contact. A prior argument in the community (started by B) had caused me some difficulty with incorrect blame being taken out on me but he had been forgiven. For weeks people were bringing that up and i got some nasty messages. C tried to set myself and B up and (thinking it was what he wanted after being there when C proposed this to him) I said to B I thought i might have caught some feelings for him. He declined and wanted to remain friends. Initially this was fine until other people got involved and started passing comments which made me feel very uncomfortable. B picked up on this and distanced himself from me stating that it was inevitable there would be awkwardness and i felt like this blame was being placed on me which made things worse. Very shortly after B got together with the women he had been seeing casually and referred to as obsessed with him-however she was following him everywhere and moved someone into the place myself and B met which was a bit strange.

Since then I have had to deal with months of it being implied to me that i am obsessed with B. I have felt very uncomfortable about C's involvement in this, What initially started as them telling me how to behave has turned into being told i am cuckoo and crazy (in front of people) and that i break peoples trust and secrets. Some days they are fine other days they act very angry towards me. When i ask why people are calling me crazy the response is "nobody is calling you crazy, Who is calling you crazy?". This is alongside being told by them to let everything go about B (except they are the ones bringing it up not me). C has also told me they are worried that i am depressed and has also told strangers that I have family problems i need to resolve (based on some loose truth to a far lesser extent) & that i should leave and not return to the community. Cs husband i also know but has been far less involved although he did say to me I must subconsciously be in love with B he also said when asked that B thought i was in love with him. He has also said B has listened to things he shouldn't have.

As far as B goes, Anytime I had asked him if things were ok, His response was I am a bloke I am fine and the problem is I am a girl and I need to man up. He has made a big scene of ignoring me for a month and excluding me from group things, Eventually we seemed to clear the air and he said there was a time I had not looked at him and that was why. He then got a girlfriend who was very uncomfortable in my presence, Would stare and ask me if everything was ok, Shout at me from across the street and once drove past beeping her horn and screaming my name. I intentionally avoided this man for a few months thinking things would calm down but this is not indefinitely possible where I live. He has on occasions when i communicate with him tell me I am odd or weird. Things had calmed down from his end (i thought) although other people kept saying things to me but then he said i was weird again and i lost my temper after having dealt with all this for months. During which he went very angry told me i was a bit crazy, That i am weak, That i make things up to play a victim and that is it is so unattractive how weak i am but that everyone loves me. Any time I tried to defend myself he said that is not true that did not happen. He also said most people would have just got over the initial argument in the community but i kept it going and didn't move on for ages. Following this, The person i had considered my best friend messaged me and told me he is right about everything he said and i need to let it go and move on and that she had distanced herself from me.

I am away at the moment and so far have not heard from anyone but C which was in the form of a message saying DON'T COME BACK more drama(not involving this has happened).

This has been a very difficult time for me, I am a very logical person and empathetic and these were both people i had greatly trusted and spent a great deal of time with. I can't understand what is coming from who and why it is so messy, I feel like i am being gaslighted and when it is by more than one person it takes a great deal of strength to deal with.

Any advice on how to rationalise where this is coming from and how to progress would be really gratefully received. When i am in both B & Cs presence i am aware C is either giving me weird looks that I am there or if B puts me down C seems to almost enjoy it and certainly never defends me that i am aware of. I have also noticed C goes on about B a lot.

I know over analysing these things is sometimes not very helpful but equally I just don't know what is coming from where and who right now and I feel like I am disrespected, unheard socially isolated and at times i don't feel safe. Equally, as it is a small community I know some of this might be people having too much time on their hands.

[moglow]

In all honesty this sounds like way too much drama for me. I wouldn't care who said what to whom or why - I'd have to remove myself from the whole mess and led them sort themselves out. I wouldn't want any part of it or them, if this is the way they treat others. And you're right, some people obviously have too much time on their hands.

Understand that any response or interest you show here just drives more of the same. Make it clear you have better uses for your time and go do that. I wouldn't confirm, deny or ask any further questions. Practice changing the subject and if that doesnt work "look at the time! Gotta go, bye!" Seems like all this has gone on too long as it is. These friends just don't sound very friendly, know what I mean?

Good luck!

[NoVoice357]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, me01T

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is frustrating and painful to be on the receiving end of a smear campaign. I live in a small community and have been smeared too. It is not always easy to recognize who is behind all this. From what you wrote about C, it is highly likely that C is the instigator. This is my opinion. It could also be another woman who is jealous of your friendship with B – it does not matter if this individual is in a romantic relationship or not. This individual has damaged your friendship with B.

They mask their abuse by telling you and others that they are worried/concerned about you.  If somebody else tells you "Person X is really worried about you", then you can be almost sure that X is the instigator. This makes them look caring and empathetic in front of others. Half-truths are used to make up fake stories about you. They destroy the victim's reputation until she is isolated from the group. Nobody wants to talk to the troublemaker, the crazy one.  Other members of the community have been brainwashed by the NPD.  JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) can be counterproductive.

Cs husband i also know but has been far less involved although he did say to me I must subconsciously be in love with B he also said when asked that B thought i was in love with him. He has also said B has listened to things he shouldn't have.

I think C told him. They will lie about friends to their own partners and family.

As for how to cope with it, I would protect myself by distancing myself from C and B as much as possible and also from those who are in contact with C and could pass on any information you provide them to her. PDs may send you flying monkeys to get more information. FMs do not want to sort things out. They have already been brainwashed by the PD and are convinced that the instigator is right and you are wrong and that she only wants to help you.

I would try to find friends outside that toxic community. People who enjoy gossiping and take part in the smear campaign by action or inaction will not change. I would also read and learn as much as possible about smear campaigns and character assassination to understand how this type of abuse work, what PDs say about their victims and how they do it.  There is a book called Smeared by HG Tudor on Amazon. You can also read his articles about this topic on his blog narcsite.com and ask questions.

Just in case you have not seen it yet, there is a lot of helpful information in the Out of the FOG Toolbox.

Good luck and take care!

[clara]

    All of the above. 

Please remember that people who create this kind of drama will do it to anyone.  It's what they do, how they enjoy themselves, how they like spending their time.  You got caught up with it but you don't have to stay caught up with it.  Sometimes taking the high road helps.  If someone asks you about the situation, or tries to get information from you by stealth (what flying monkeys specialize in) just say you have nothing more to say in the matter.  Then stick to it.  Don't talk about it, don't mention it, if you  need to get something "out" write it in a journal or find another safe way of doing so (such as coming here) but don't give any more supply to those people who are needing and wanting it (and PDs need and want supply, and are constantly seeking it out).  Remind yourself, every day, even every minute, that you're better than they are (behavior wise, I mean) and that you won't stoop to their level.  In time, they actually will move on.  I've seen it happen in similar situations where I decided to stick a situation out and not allow other people to force me to do something I didn't want to do (such as move away, in your case).  I no longer allow other people to dictate my behavior.  It's possible to remove yourself emotionally and psychologically from a damaging situation, but it's hard and takes a lot of effort.  If you can't find a therapist to talk with, I also recommend all of the sources out there including books, websites etc. 

Stay strong! 

[helpmeplease]

Hello me01t,
I read your post the other day and I have been thinking about it and you. These people don't sound very nice at all. It seems as if they are enjoying tormenting you and getting off on being cruel and gaslighting you, relishing your confusion. They are playing mind games. This is a very  childish horrible thing. They are probably like this with many people. In situations like this you find at the root of it jealously envy competitiveness and often a need for control and a power struggle. They are not happy people. Happy people do not behave like this. They behave like this to fill the emptiness inside them to make themselves feel better and also for entertainment, for supply, as a kind of sick hobby to help pass the time. Others go along with it because they want to feel included and also so they won't be picked on. There may be other factors involved, a pd, drink, drugs, domestic violence, childhood abuse. Not a very good mix. I am not saying this as an excuse it is just to try and help you understand. I have been through abusive relationships but I wouldn't hurt anyone deliberately. I try and think before I say anything. I have been angry and reacted badly when I have been backed into a corner or when I am so stressed I can't remember my name. More of a response than an act of aggression. Whereas we would try and be kind to others, may blame our selves try to "fix" ourselves and try to reason and compromise to resolve conflicts, they are not interested.  They like the internal strength to look within.  From what you have said I think it is C who is the main instigator but I do think B is playing a large part in it too. He is using triangulation with you and his girlfriend. Who knows how he is treating her? I don't think you will ever get to the bottom of it. It is not worth trying it is only going to cause you more heartache and unhappiness. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from this sick dynamic. Please change your phone number and come off social media. Don't give them any information, don't ask them what you have done or try to put things right. You haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing to put right. Quietly get on with your own life try not to give any reaction. Can you  volunteer somewhere with animals or children or as a guide, can you learn something , join a walking club go and visit places? Make your life so busy you have no time to talk to them and no time to sit and worry about them. Go to the cinema, theatre go to a park and read get massages,facials. Eventually the pain will go you will have a full and happy life and be very busy, you will meet new people, some of whom will be kind and caring and those people who are being so nasty now?, they will still be sitting around calling people names full of unhappiness and bitterness  and won't have moved n at all.  By then you won't care.
By the way, how do I know all this? well I have just been through the exact same scenario. It is now two years later I still think about the hurt sometimes but the pain isn't as raw. Believe me I have suffered trying to cope with all this, my dad dying and being a carer for my mum. My head was wrecked trying to understand how a man who I had known to say hello to for eight years and who was kind to my dad could suddenly be so cruel after being a wonderful boyfriend for a couple of months then the last few he completely changed. He wanted me to spend time with his married female friend who was constantly intruding on our time together and interfering. She knew too much about our relationship. When I wanted him to set boundaries with her he started to be nasty, blame me, be horrible.
Now though, my life is like the above I am busy . I go to places on my own. I am more resourceful, more confident  so in a weird way they have done me a favour. The situation forced me to go out and do things I was too scared to do before.  I blamed the woman for a long time but my ex was equally to blame. All I wanted was a nice normal relationship but I got the jealous manipulations of the woman and the blind acceptance of her behaviour from my ex. Horrible.  So chin up and leave these people behind. xxx

[NotFooled]

I was once in a very toxic social circle for years. Lots of gossip, putting each other down, pushing each others buttons basically very immature behavior.
I was smeared by one individual  and basically maligned by the rest of the group.  It was horrible and it took me years to get over it.  For a long time I questioned myself and tried to figure out what I did wrong.  It wasn't till very recently that I found out every single one of those people no longer speaks to each other and then I realized I was never the problem.

From what you are saying it sounds like C could be the instigator.  B sounds uncaring and insensitive.  I would distance myself from the social circle and hang out with other friends or family that are supportive.  It took me years to learn, I am better off with just a few people in my life that truly care about me,  then wasting my time with jerks. 

[me01t]

Thank you to you all, After months of getting to the point where I doubt myself all the time and then think someone was just naive and listened to some false gossip and it got out of control it is so refreshing to start to get to a place where i realise something more must be going on. I am a really logical person and I am not sure a couple of bits of false gossip cause the level of fear, anxiety and confusion I have experienced the last few months. When you see/hear something with your own eyes and ears and someone tells you that didn't happen and pushes it further-to the point of accusing you of lying, I have to come to terms that is not normal, Something I bit harder when it is from people you initially had trusted. I will be a lot more aware of red flags in the future and I plan to cut ties with all these people, Unfortunately in a small community I expect this will be hard and cause more problems before it gets better but hopefully as you say, They will move on to the next person they can use as a punchbag instead!