Freaking the fuck out.

[DaisyGirl77]

I have an excoworker who has started fixating on me over the last few months.  I don't know why.  I've been giving her really short answers or answering questions she didn't answer, like "Are you working there?"  I just like their food.  She has a looooooong history of manipulating others in attempts to "mother" them (like a nightmarish BPD person) & I have made it very, very clear that we are nothing but the most basic of acquaintences.

Yesterday, this ExC showed up at my job specifically to find me.  As soon as I could manage to hide, I did, & as soon as I did that, she left.  She is of a specific religion that follows certain laws & none of what is in my job follows those laws.  She literally was there for no reason other than to find me.

I am freaked the hell out, y'all.  I wrote a letter that I'll be sending to her via Facebook Messenger tomorrow night so I can reblock her (Facebook has a 48 hour waiting period before you can reblock someone) & I wanted to get your feedback on any this issue before I send it.

______________________________
(Note: Letter removed due to guideline violation, quoting correspondence that may violate confidentiality.)

[NoVoice357]

Daisy, I haven't seen your letter but I would not send it. She will do exactly the opposite to what you want -or do not want her to do- and you will be giving her narcissistic supply. You cannot control her behaviour. I would reblock her without letting her know about your decision and continue avoiding her. Stay out. She doesn't seem to be a healthy individual who respects boundaries.

[coyote]

 

[Penny Lane]

DaisyGirl, I have two resources to suggest to you that might help you decide how to handle this.

One is BIFF - it's a method of communication that stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. There's some info here and if you're interested there's actually a whole book on it.

There's also a book called Gift of Fear that talks about stalking behaviors. He says not to communicate with a stalker because they want ANY communication. So like if you wait until the 100th correspondence to respond - they'll just learn that it takes 100 attempts to respond to you and keep doing that. There is lots and lots of good information in the book about what to do - I really recommend you check it out.

Best of luck, this kind of thing can be really scary.

[DaisyGirl77]

Thanks for the fairly quick responses, all.

My reason for sending her a cease & desist is to lay it completely clear that she is being extremely inappropriate, & that if she continues her behaviors, I will be reporting her to the police.  It's purely legal reasons at this point as the cops will want proof that I told her to stop.  I was asking for feedback on the letter I'd pasted (that mods removed) for wording adjustment/removals/etc.


NOTE to moderators:  I responded to the PM I received over the "correspondence" I posted this morning & haven't received an answer.  Could someone please look?  I believe this was done in error & would like my post reinstated.

[moglow]

Moderation note so all understand:
From our confidentiality guidelines -

Do not copy the contents of any personal or legal communications, documents, written correspondence, email, social media posts, personal messages, texts and recorded conversations verbatim into posts.

Our reasoning is simple: If it's posted here, it's very easily searchable on the web and can bring the very people you wish to avoid right here where you don't want them. I guarantee if I can find out who/where people are, a more tech savvy stalker can do a whole lot more and cause a great deal of harm in the process. We're not going to take that chance, and risk you or this community.

We do hope you understand.

[Penny Lane]

I think the principles of BIFF can guide you here. What is the information you are trying to convey? You don't want her to contact you anymore. That's all you need to say.

Like, some version of: "I was uncomfortable when you found out where I work and showed up there. Please don't contact me anymore."

I'm not sure you need to say all that much more than that.

Also, if you want this as a legal record, you might make sure Facebook message is OK or if the court would rather it be via email or mail or something. Just a thought.

[Wilderhearts]

Have you informed your supervisors, security, and/or coworkers?  They need to be aware they shouldn't give her any information about where you are, your schedule, etc.  They could also act as a buffer, or intervene if they see she's found you.

[StayWithMe]

Thanks for the fairly quick responses, all.

My reason for sending her a cease & desist is to lay it completely clear that she is being extremely inappropriate, & that if she continues her behaviors, I will be reporting her to the police.  It's purely legal reasons at this point as the cops will want proof that I told her to stop.  I was asking for feedback on the letter I'd pasted (that mods removed) for wording adjustment/removals/etc.


NOTE to moderators:  I responded to the PM I received over the "correspondence" I posted this morning & haven't received an answer.  Could someone please look?  I believe this was done in error & would like my post reinstated.

I agree with you about starting a paper trail.  I would go to the police first and ask them what to do and in what order to get their support. You don't want anyone saying ex post facto, you did it all wrong, therefore, I can't help you now.

[moglow]

For me, the fact that you didn't tell her where you went with your new job is telling, all by itself.  It says to me "I'm cutting ties here and don't care to discuss it with you." Unfortunately not everyone thinks that way or picks up on what I see as BIG clues that it's time to back off. 

I don't know all your history with this person but I know enough about people and good manners in general to get me through some basics. You're at a new job - Visitors at ANY job should be limited, even more so with a new job, never mind showing up unannounced like she did. You're there to work, not entertain people.

A polite hello followed by a return to your duties is more than enough. I wouldn't be rude but neither would I go out of my way to interact with her. Depending on the line of work, can you say something like "I need to get back to work. This is Debbie, she can help you if you need anything else..." and you walk away quietly.IF I made contact with her outside of work, I'd absolutely keep it brief, informational, friendly and firm as Penny Lane suggested.  No need to go into any details whatsoever other than:  Please don't visit or contact me (at work) again. If I want her to leave me alone in general, I'd say that instead of limiting it to "at work." Regardless, you don't have to respond to *any* overtures, hers or anyone else's. You don't have to respond to texts or emails, or answer or return calls. It's entirely your choice.There are people who will push and push to get a reaction, ANY reaction. If that's the case here, silence is your friend. I'd let people at work and/or home know that you don't want this person visiting you and don't hesitate asking for their help should she reappear.

[DaisyGirl77]

Thanks.  I do have The Gift of Fear, but will reread it.  Guess it's time to do so.

I wound up blocking her without a word.  A good friend of mine raised the possibility that sending her the C&D could enrage her enough to possibly threaten my job.  I've only been there two months, so I figured silence was the better option here.

Thanks again.  I'm still trying to feel safe again after Tuesday.  It was pretty traumatic for me.