Feeling Betrayed

[Solong]

I have some new feeling surfacing and want to process with people who may understand.

We've been VVLC for 10 months. Me nor DD3yo haven't seen MIL since July and DH saw then once in November to "break up" with FIL/MIL.

We have tension with older BIL/SIL as that BIL is GC and an informant to MIL. SIL has been quite hurtful in the past without apology. They've kind of iced us out after SIL misstepped with me big time.

Younger BIL/SIL are great. We have no issues with them. They know of the toxicity and on one occasion I shared a couple things but was generally careful to not make SIL uncomfortable or overexpose myself. In the past year, younger BIL/SIL have seemingly grown closer to MIL/FIL and older BIL/SIL. From what I can glean, MIL and older SIL still do talk and likely haven't been included in their plans for awhile. But you get BIL/SIL float between everyone and are alright with everyone.

I just feel betrayed. We don't see younger BIL/SIL much. The last time was August. But we're connected on social media and I can see when she posts visits with the ILs.

I know we're the ones that walked away and we could choose to stay and participate in the dysfunction. It just still bothers me.

Thanks for listening.

[bloomie]

Solong - May I ask a clarifying question? Have the younger bil and sil changed in their level of contact and interest in a relationship with you and your H since you have gone NC with the in laws? I am trying to understand what has changed beyond your own stepping back from contact that is bringing this sense of betrayal up in you.

It is a bit of a fascinating observation of relationships for me to see how some extended family members can maintain relationships with everyone in the extended family with seemingly no issue. I find myself being very careful, as you describe yourself being, in how and what I share with those that can float amongst everyone, seemingly without a problem.

[Solong]

Thanks Bloomie.

To answer your question, we never were close with younger BIL/SIL. We'd see each other at holidays and family gatherings with the occasional visit otherwise but that's it.

Right or wrong (in the interest of being honest and getting good feedback) I think I'm feeling betrayed because younger BIL/SILs decision to (seemingly) grow closer to the others feels invalidating to our situation and feelings. But I suppose that's selfish. I don't know. It also makes me realize we were never close in the first place.

[bloomie]

Solong - thank you for sharing a bit more - it is a timing of the seeming to grow closer that is hard...  the younger two knowing the in laws have serious enough poor behaviors for you all to completely pull back and that is when they appear to grow closer.

I can see how that would be disconcerting and hard. I don't view your honest emotional hurt type of response to this as selfish, but it is interesting that you might.

In my own journey going NC with a certain part of H's family there is a something that stirs up a great deal of questions inside of me -  when I stepped out of a toxic circle and it seemingly just closed up behind me. When we see those who know those very same people have acted out toward us to the point we have had to step out appear to strengthen their bonds with our abusers it is distressing for all kinds of reasons.

It is easy to turn that on ourselves and shame ourselves as we grieve and stand on the outside looking in wondering how some can maintain relationships, or even grow closer, to such unrepentantly abusive people.

In our own case, the family paradigm is very different with each couple/person and the uPDs. If I were treated as well as other family members and friends are by my H's family I would have no problem having an ongoing relationship with them. They are strategic in how they treat others and those in their circle that have something they want, or whose good will they want to maintain, or who have been wise enough to remain on the surface and at a distance with them are treated very differently then our family is.

And that is a soul sucking reality isn't it? And it hurts and these reminders - when other draw close to them, or at least choose to spend more time with them - are triggering and hard. I'm sorry!

Is it possible to adjust what you can view that your sil posts so that you don't see these images?

[Peaceforme]

We struggle with this a lot. We chose to limit contact because it's just so dysfunctional but we do occasionally find ourselves wishing our kids could know my husbands family. I think it's important to remember that social media tends to paint a beautiful picture that you know is not true.
My mother in law blocked my husband on Facebook last fall out of spite and anger and the rest of the family followed. At first we were upset about it, but we have actually found a lot of peace by completely disconnecting from all of them. We no longer see what they are up to and they no longer see us. Every rare meeting is intentional and that's been very helpful. Just a thought l....

[all4peace]

I can very much understand how this feels like a betrayal or lack of loyalty or something else unpleasant. We've struggled with this dynamic in both families, dear friends who respond to the overtures of enFIL, and even my own beloved sibling who is working hard on his relationship with our parents.

It was very, very hard for me but the way I have chosen to see it now is that each person gets to decide their own level of relationship.
With me and my dear brother, we're very up front about our boundaries. I am clear on how I view our parents, and I'm clear that I do not want him sharing details of my life with them, that I love and trust him and want to continue to share our sibling friendship without worry about details getting to our parents. He is clear that he plans to work on his bond with them, that he has a different view of his responsibilities to them, and I accept that without warning him or commenting on my opinion of that.

What I'm getting at is that we can sometimes navigate these awkward entanglements, and sometimes we can't. We lost a beloved SIL on Dh's side despite having a very similar open-hearted conversation. I think all we can do is be our best selves, speak as clearly as possible, and then stay honest and clear ourselves. Sometimes we lose relationships, but sometimes we don't. For me and my siblings, our relationships have grown deeper and stronger by allowing each other the freedom and space to flux and grow, to speak our fears openly and our reassurances. There's always the risk that the other won't be able to meet us where we are, but sometimes they will.