Mothers day

[Linda12345]

Mothers day is very triggering to me. In my culture everbody celebrates their mothers. Send beautiful cards, flowers, expensive presents. Lots of messages circulating aimed by publicity and commerce. Things like : "your mother is the only person that loved you unconditionally". Then,, I feel alone and isolated. My mother never loved me unconditionally, on the contrary, she loved me on the condition of being what she needed, to feel safe or loved somehow. She was all the time thinking on herself, she never got to know me, or asked what I needed or even what I wanted from life😥😥. It feels terrible this day, all my female friends are celebrating this day and the only thing I am celebrating is that I'm no longer connected to her (5 years no contact) or maybe that I survived her, which is awkward and makes me feel like an "outsider" . So,,, this Is how I feel this weekend.😥

[Iguanagos]

 

[all4peace]

Mother's Day is really tough. I'm guessing there are more adult children out there who are suffering on this day than we can realize. Plenty of my friends have far-from-ideal relationships with their mothers and you wouldn't know it from the social media posts.

I'm so sorry for the mother you had and have, and so sorry that this is a painful time for you. You are not alone.

[treesgrowslowly]

Thanks for sharing with your post here.

I also am NC and did not have a mother who loved me unconditionally.
Our experience and feelings are not understood by a lot of people.

What I find hard is that people who lucked out with a good mom don't seem to believe me. I've had to work on that realization. There is an attempt to shame people who don't feel the feelings expressed in the hallmark cards aisle. There's never been a card yet that expresses what I feel on mother's day. Sometimes this gets to me.

As I get older it gets a bit easier to see that one can pull away from all the societal attempts to deny maternal narcissism.

[SunnyMeadow]

I understand too Linda12345.  I'm looking forward to Monday so I don't have to see every commercial, online ad and displays in stores promoting MD.

I never guilted my children into doing anything for MD. If they get me a card or a phone call, that's wonderful to me. Everyday as I was raising them was a special day. They don't owe me a day to show their appreciation. On the other hand, my mom expected the red carpet and many times let me know with body language that what I did for her on MD wasn't enough. 

Come on Monday, get here sooner!

[Morocha2015]

This is my first MD NC. Leading up to it, I've been so excited. This is the first time I won't have to endure a 2 hour conversation from my HPDm, letting me know I didn't do enough for her and never thinking to wish me a happy MD or ask if my kids did anything for me. Every year I stress over whether or not the card I send is nice enough (because I've gotten an earful about that), and one year our outgoing mail didn't get picked up so I knew the card was going to be late and I almost had a panic attack. Tomorrow will be all about my little family and all the mothers at our church who love and support each other.

But then I got up today filled with anxiety. I know that tomorrow my mother will be hysterical. She'll be dramatically crying all day until my dad gets annoyed and pissed off enough to send me a hateful text about what a terrible person I am. And in a few days I'm sure a hand written letter will appear in the mailbox written by my mom about what a terrible daughter I am and how much I've hurt her. It's doubly painful being told what a bad person you are by someone who abused you, by someone you desperately wish could love you the way you need them to.

Of course I'm not going to open these texts or letters, but just knowing they're coming is enough. I hate that you're going through this, but knowing I'm not alone is comforting.

[Saywhat]

  you're not alone!

[JustKat]

Worst day of the year! It was always a difficult day for me, but it's so much worse now that we have social media. I promise myself every year to stay away from any social media sites on Mother's Day. My feed is nothing but well wishes to all the loving mothers of the world and memes about a mother's unconditional love. The people who post those memes certainly mean well, but I feel like I'm being burned alive every time I see one.

To Linda (and everyone on this thread), I'm so sorry that you're being so triggered by this. There are many of us who suffer terribly on this day, probably more than most people realize. I'm grateful for forums like this one where we can gather together and share. A safe place where we know we're not alone.

Hugs to you all ...

[xredshoesx]

i haven't been in contact with my mother in almost 25 years and it still hurts.  now, the disappointment is more with the way my MIL treats her kids and their spouses.  at least this year we didn't have a meet up to pretend like we all are one big happy family.

[BettyGray]

Yay! Mother's Day is over!!!! Let's all celebrate the day after with that relief!

You are not alone. We get it. Glad to know that you are celebrating yourself and your detachment from the poison of having a terrible mother. I am 4 years into NC and it has gotten a little easier. Even when I was in contact with her, I always hated Mother's Day. It all felt so phony. And the way she ate up the attention made it worse. I dreaded picking out cards, buying gifts, acting the part. Newspapers, magazines, tv commercials, etc. have made it worse, all in the name of profit.

They should rename it ”Good (or good-enough) Mother's Day.” So often we (especially women ) feel we don't measure up. This holiday feels like yet another way we are failing, even though it's our mothers who have failed us.   

You haven't failed. You have chosen you. Friends with good mothers will never understand what we are feeling. How could they? But we here do. Sometimes I feel we on this site are mothers to one another going through it all together. Mothering comes in many forms. Blood relation is not a requirement to give support, share wisdom, give or receive comfort or love.

I say we here create our own holiday. A celebration of survival and resilience! Xoxo.

[KeepingMyBlue]

I'm with you Liz! What shall we call our day?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Sounds like "Galentines Day" lol. But I'm with you... I don't even want to celebrate Mother's Day with my FOC very much. It feels like a giant setup for disappointment. And it was. It was pretty much exactly like any other day, just with a vague bad mood underpinning it. My kids are too young to remember it without DH's orchestrating things, and if I have to ask for a demonstration of appreciation it rings hollow to me anyway. But on the plus side DH didn't do anything for his mom either. It's just a day that's probably always going to have some grief with it. Stupid Hallmark holidays.

[Sojourner17]

I'm glad it's over! I didn't say anything to my DH about it leading up to it nor did I say anything about it at all yesterday. It was so freeing and was such a great day/same as any day I get to spend with my hubby and kids. I had a few moments of not feeling well as I chose to not contact mom but overall it was a good day. We took a drive and saw 6, yes, 6 bears! 3 grizzlies and 3 black bears in the span of 30 minutes. It was amazing!
Now, a day later, I recieved a text from mom asking if I even celebrate MD anymore     
Thing is, I don't. We haven't celebrated it or FD in the whole 6 years of marriage/ 5 years of having children. At most it's gotten a passing mention at some point in the day but usually it sneaks up and is upon us without much thought... even before starting to come Out of the FOG it snuck up on me.... and I'd hear about it from mom, or dad or my sister. Which didn't help with endearing me toward the day at all! Nothing like the feeling of obligation on a day like this. I get the sentiment but seriously... how is instituting a day like this with all its unwritten rules and regulations, blanket statements and sentiments a good thing? . Blech!

[beacartoonheart]

You are not alone...
The week before and day of is the worst. There are advertisements everywhere rubbing the holiday in our faces.....how GREAT everyone's mom is. Meanwhile you have no idea what a great mom is and you wonder what it would be like to have not had that taken away from you. while you are trying to hold all these feelings in and you are getting flashbacks of all the horrible times you had with dear mom you have a co-worker or acquaintance ask you "are you going home for mother's day!?" if you are anything like me you face 2 answers, a lie and the truth, the truth is much to complicated and walking away from your mom who has a disorder just makes you the automatic bad guy, so you lie. maybe you hate lying, maybe you hate lying, because you have had to live your life as a lie because if you didn't agree with mom she would throw a tantrum so agreeing and lying was always easier than the truth, yet you escape that world and the lies you don't want to tell only to find yourself lying to these aquaintances and co-workers and you are still doing all of this, because of her. I have been NC for 3 years and as much as i try to push all the memories away, as much as i would like to move on completely mother's day and christmas will always eat at me. Know that you are not alone, it is hard as hell, stay strong you got us.

[BettyGray]

Oh, BTW, and even though it doesn't apply to everyone here, and even though there is no holiday around it, I really hate the "sisters are your best friends" nonsense that greeting card, etc. Love to sell.

The amazing thing is my BPD sister used to send me these cards and I was always like "are you sure this card is for me?"

[Call Me Cordelia]