Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?

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Tried2bZen

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Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« on: May 15, 2019, 11:35:51 AM »
So, I have been NC for almost a year and it has been definitely the toughest time of my life (guilt, depression, you name it...). At first, I left all communication channels open (email, text, etc.) to see if there would be any sign of amends, taking ownership for own behavior, or attempts to try to make things right (uBPDM puts the entire blame on my Dwife and evereyone, according to her,  but her needs therapy  :stars:).

Of course those open lines were not used "to make things right" but instead I received the entire portfolio of gas-lighting, blame shifting, selected amnesia, and flying monkeys. While I was willing to take the abuse for decades for me, I just couldn't take it when it came to my wife (and my little daughter would have been probably next). So, I blocked her and EnDad's email and text before Christmas.

I figured if they would have change of heard and would want to really, really work things out then they could get still get a hold of me via landline or snail mail (that why my wife can screen for genuine attempts).

That has worked ok for me, as I felt I found a balance to protect myself and family (no immediate and permanent access via e-mail and text) while leaving the door open via landline and snailmail for signs of "repentance."  Of course, there was no such sign over the last 6 months.

However now the new situation: my wife received an out-of-state job offer at the other end of the country and we'll move in June. Now I don't know what to do about the remaining "open channels"  :flat:. I am torn. On the hand, it would be a final step for getting "real" closure by simply not letting them know ("free at last")- on the other hand, I feel the guilt creeping in massively already for not keeping the door open.

But then, what are the chances they will have a change of heart now after a year of no contact? Has anyone ever experienced a genuine effort of repentance and ownership of behavior?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 12:11:52 PM »
You can check your spam folder on email every now and again, yes? Are there other family members who are in contact with you both? Are you planning to tell those people your new address?

It seems really counterproductive to me to break NC, to tell them how they can contact you, when you otherwise would not contact them.

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Tried2bZen

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 12:17:59 PM »
Thanks so much for putting this in perspective, Cordelia. You are completely right in your last sentence -. I guess I am still more enmeshed than I was hoping to be at this stage.

And yes, my sister is still in contact with EnDad and she will have my new address. And one additional point I forgot to mention, I am self-employed and they will always be able to find my new landline and PO Box if they would google my name (and I know that my uBPDM "monitors" her estranged family members online  :upsidedown:)

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blueheart

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2019, 12:38:57 PM »
I agree with Cordelia, it is super easy to find lines of contacting people.  Im guessing you couldn't hide from them for long if you wanted to. 

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Morocha2015

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2019, 02:35:44 PM »
I moved in October and went NC in December. It's a huge regret of mine that I gave my parents my new address. I just wasn't quite ready to go NC at the time, but if I had held off I could have made a clean break. Now they send my kids stuff on their birthdays and I get re-triggered and disrespected every time.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 02:45:12 PM »
I wouldn't give them your physical address.

If you will feel better, happier, and kinder with an open channel of communications, than maintaining a safe, open channel is good for you. But the more narrow the better. If you and they have common contacts in family and such, they'll find you if they want to and need no assistance.

If you have no such common contact, I recommend a special email account just for them: mutualrespectisrequired@... or something like that. A physical address is a door you cannot close, and I'd discourage it.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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JustKathy

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 04:10:42 PM »
Quote
Im guessing you couldn't hide from them for long if you wanted to. 

^^^ This!

I was in the same situation, NC for about a year when my husband got a job transfer out of state. I thought this would be my chance to finally sever all ties, so decided to just ghost. I moved and did not give my new address to anyone in my FOO.

It took them about a month to find me. Not hard to do in this day and age, especially if you buy a home and there are public records out there.

Once they had my address they retaliated by making sure they knew they had found me. Countless cards, letters, and unwanted packages. Despite their best efforts, they've gotten no response from me, but the cards keep coming. I've gotten through it by reminding myself that there's nothing but frustration on their end since they haven't gotten the response they had hoped for. Still, it's horrible to know that they went to great lengths to violate my privacy for no other reason than to stick it to me. They don't want me back, they just want to send the message that they own me and feel entitled to contact.

I agree with the others that NC is NC, and you are under no obligation to tell them you're moving. But do be aware that they won't just roll over and accept it. If they want to find you, they will. And sorry to say they will never take ownership of their bad behavior.  :sadno: In my case, the behavior only got worse.

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SomethingElse

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2019, 03:25:20 AM »
So sorry you are going through this. So, for me I tried the whole year of no contact with the PD parent and with PD family members it had been over two years. This is what happened....the parent left me alone finally (of course I realized she never loved me in the first place), and the family members petered out too. The last time I moved away I didnt leave a forwarding address (they still had a po box), and I didnt give out a phone number at first. The family members never wrote me. That is how I came to know that they didnt really care about me and my welfare.

Eventually over the last year I started to talk with the parent on a separate phone line to see if things would change. It seemed we were having heart to heart conversations over the phone which indicated maybe that they were changing their life? Well...they changed on the phone, but as soon as I moved back again to their physical location, it went right back to the start. It was as if no change at all had occurred in their life. I had changed, but they did not. I was stunned.

It was as if I was watching a play. And the play was the person. They could act something out, but in reality no permanent change occurred.
I have come to realize that in the PD people in my life, there seems to be no capability of real change unfortunately. I think it is unfortunate because the human race depends on change in the species to survive supposedly?

I suggest playing it safely and NOT telling them about your move. Take your time. If, in the future the guilty feelings pass, then you will be happy with the decisions you have made. If not, you can always give them your contact info again?
After all, it sounds as if you know what their contact info is?  And it's not as if they are the ones trying to get away from you.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 03:51:33 AM by SomethingElse »

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betta fish

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Re: Torn: Should I tell them about move and new address?
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2019, 11:10:06 AM »
If you contact your family to tell them you are moving far away, will they be happy for you?  Will they congratulate your wife on her new job?  Will they see it as an opportunity for your DD?  If the answer is no, to all or one of these questions, why would you want to let them back in your life by contacting them?  Is your guilt, sort of because you hope they will have changed and now see the error of their way?  You mentioned fearing they will try their ways with your daughter, is contact good for her?

Just some thoughts I had and questions I pondered when I was trying to decide if I wanted NC.  I ended up going NC, because it was best for, not only me, but for my family.  I had developed a strong shell and could take lots of abuse, and I actually thought it didn't affect me.  My children were not raised that way and it caused great distress in my teen. Through therapy I learned how it had affected me and hurt me and my family. 

I wish you a happy move in a new city, away from bad memories and far from turmoil.   
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou