Paranoia or trying to start a fight?

[11JB68]

This felt similar to me to a recent incident that I posted about (where uOCPDh looked in his full closet, with no empty hangers, after I spent much of the weekend doing laundry in prep for an overnight trip and stated "so we haven't done laundry in a while?" as if there were no clothes in his closet).
When he does this I'm not sure if he truly has a disorder in perception(?) or if he is showing some paranoid traits, or if he is trying to start a fight or gaslight me ??
So  - about a week ago I made the error of running the washing machine and dishwasher while uPDh was showering. He complained that his shower went cold and at one point 'scalding' hot. (Our hot water heater was set too hot last time it was replaced, when I suggested turning it back, he said no it doesn't matter - I have now turned it back...) I aplogized, took responsibility - yes that was not thoughtful of me and of course I didn't want that to happen to him.
Yesterday I was doing laundry and needed to run the dishwasher. At some point I asked him if he'd showered yet - No. So I waited. He went to shower later. When I heard the water turn off (he was done) I went and started a load of laundry.
A few minutes later he comes down and says "You're doing laundry?" Yes. "What's wrong with that?" Me: I don't know... Him: "I was in the shower". Me: I waited til you were out and I heard the water go off. Him: oh, well someone did something then, flushed the toilet maybe. Me: (Yeah, I know JADEing...I should have just stopped) Nope. I washed my hands, that's all. Him: Well, someone did something because the water got really cold suddenly. (At that point I stopped JADEing. I was sitting there the whole time. NO  ONE flushed a toilet etc. In fact, I did have to go to the bathroom and PURPOSELY waited til he was out so he would NOT have anything to complain about). In the past I would have continued to JADE etc. I know better now.
I'm really not sure what this behavior is or means.
It almost feels 'creepy' (?) when it happens...like either he is truly imagining things, OR he is truly trying to 'gas light' me...

[athene1399]

My sister does stuff like this (i think she just has fleas). She lives with SO and I and is convinced that he purposely does the dishes when she's in the shower. So one day when SO is in the shower, I hear the sink running. I go in the kitchen and Sis put both taps to full and walked away (she was away from the sink, sitting on the floor talking with her b/f). She was running the water, wasting the water and gas, just to get back at SO for this imagined slight. I said "WTF? Why are these on?" shut them off and walked away before she could say anything. I thought it would cause a fight, but it didn't.  In her case, I think she feels right in her thinking and justified in her actions. But in reality, how can you possibly know what is going on when you are in the shower? in my case, I have amazing water pressure and I keep the water tank turned up (because I forget to turn it down in the summer). I think I've thrown wash in then got in the shower and noticed no difference. Can't say any of this to her because I'd be JADEing (it is so tempting!!!). I would weigh in that your H probably believes what he is saying and when you attempt to prove him wrong he just becomes defensive and creates other scenarios that "prove" him correct. I don't think he can accept that his thinking is flawed (which is why JADEing doesn't work). Sorry I don't have any good ideas/solutions. Maybe next time try giving him the heads up that you are going to start the dishes as soon as she stops his water. Maybe he walked out and assumed you were doing that the whole time, then came up with his own narrative to explain what he thought must have been going on when you explained how you started the dishes after he got out. He probably couldn't admit he was wrong, but who knows for sure.  I'm just speculating.

[Whiteheron]

I don't know what it is, but stbx is like that. If something happened once, then it happens every. single. time. At his parent's house, you can't run water while someone is in the shower because the water temperature will skyrocket. Of course, when the kids were little and had to pee...in their mind, not flushing the toilet was not an option. We would try to wait until stbx was done in the bathroom - but he'd be down there for almost 30 minutes before getting into the shower, making everyone wait for him. Each and every time, he would come back and demand to know who flushed or used the sink. Even if no one was around, he would insist someone ran into the house just to run water while he was showering.  I would just shrug and go back to what I was doing. Seemed to me he was just looking to pick a fight or seeking an excuse to get revenge on someone.

[commongoal123]

Could it be both?

I've found in my experience with PD like partners that they genuinely do have very intense feelings of insecurity, which can manifest as paranoia in a multitude of ways.  However, they also tend to be incredibly out of touch with their feelings, which complicates things.  For example, I had a Borderline exgf many years ago (diagnosed) who cheated on me, but was also constantly accusing me of checking out other people and wanting to have sex with them.  Although she was the one who cheated, the fear she had of me cheating on her was very real.  Forget intimately talking about it though; that is just too scary and vulnerable a place for PDs.

Anywho, I think that PD-like individuals, having a PD or not (because this is all a spectrum), can certainly be paranoid about something pretty far out while simultaneously picking a fight.  Perhaps picking a fight is a way of "addressing" the feelings they are having while avoiding the intimacy and vulnerability involved with doing so.

Just some thoughts.  Either way, good on you for sensing something is off here.

-Common

[athene1399]

Perhaps picking a fight is a way of "addressing" the feelings they are having while avoiding the intimacy and vulnerability involved with doing so.

I think you hit the nail on the head. IMO people with certain PDs have a tendency to pick the fight when they feel vulnerable to mask how they feel underneath (so it becomes an avoidance/overcompensating reaction). I think it depends on what schema/life trap/bad childhood experience drives the PD behaviors. Depending on what drives the behaviors, they can manifest in different ways for different reasons. Either way, it can make the outsider feel in the wrong or "crazy". I guess we have to understand that their reactions have to do with them and not really us.