Does the guilt about everything ever end?

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TrashieSellassie

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Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« on: May 15, 2019, 08:59:56 PM »
I am wondering does anyone else has problems with never-ending guilt? I feel guilty when something is my fault, but also when it is the other person's fault - this is with everyone, not limited to interactions with narcs.

Whether I am to blame or not, my guilt and anxiety last for way too long over seemingly minor issues - I flip flop between "I love this person and I am so scared they will abandon me, I am a horrible person" and "our relationship isn't working, they're bad - cut ties, it's over". I think these thoughts even with healthy relationships I have with good people.

Just to clarify, I don't 'act out' on these feelings. It is more an internal struggle where I am trying to make sense of a confusing world. I don't know if by always mentally taking the guilt it makes me feel weirdly more in control of the outcome of the situation? Or maybe I am just wired to self-punish?

I am just getting really exhausted by it. I thought it would get more manageable as I began asserting myself more with people, but no change really :( Any tips?

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 05:24:36 AM »
That does sound exhausting. And confusing too.
I would start to write theses thoughts down without judgement, just recording them first. Later I would then sit down and critically check if these thoughts are justified and have any reality. What speaks for these thoughts, what against? Can you check if others think the same way? With time you should be able to get a better control of your internal dialogue and distinguish between helpful and detrimental internal comments.

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athene1399

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 08:46:41 AM »
It's helped me to trace back into my childhood why I feel the way I do about things. Some of that may be safer to do with a therapist though. Journaling is another good option. Maybe try to note your triggers. Like what makes you feel one way vs the other.

I used to feel very guilty about a lot of things, but recently processed some things from my childhood that I didn't even know were there. Mainly I felt guilt for being me, for people having to deal with me. I sometimes still feel guilty that my SO is with me, that he is stuck with me. I tell him all the time i am sorry he's stuck with me and he says he is lucky to have me. Being honest with him helps too, but he's also the only one I am comfortable opening up with.  And that has taken a lot of time. I have trust issues, so would trust him with something small and wait for him to betray me, but he never did. One time I felt he did betray me, but the more I thought about it he really didn't. I wanted to react so bad, but I didn't. I calmed down and really thought about it. He was the one being reasonable and I wasn't (not that that's always the case. I have let people walk all over me in the past, so I don't want it to sound like we should trust everyone). But the more he's not betrayed my trust, the more I began trusting him. My tests could be as simple as telling him something from my childhood and waiting for him to throw it in my face later or laughing at me. But he never did. I'm sure that's different with everyone, but that has helped me. Maybe it's not even healthy to do that. IDK.

Sometimes the inner dialogue is exhausting. But for me it really helps to control the behaviors. Sometimes I feel everyone is against me or doing things to hurt/take advantage of me so I look for ways that they aren't. Like if they really hated me, then why did they do this nice thing? Or wouldn't they not want to be around me at all if they didn't like me? A lot of times I have to remind myself I am not a mind reader and cannot possibly know what they are thinking.

I hope some of this helps!  :)

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TrashieSellassie

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2019, 08:08:38 AM »
Thanks notrightinthehead and athene1399.

I am going to start doing mind map type things more regularly, my coping mechanism has often been to reach for sugary rubbish when I feel bad. I have been trying to improve my diet and exercise regime the past couple of months, slow progress but I want to make it work.

I have been seeing a therapist who seems decent. She nudges me a little but I mostly have to come to the conclusion myself about what is best for me. I would like to explore the roots of my feelings more - at the moment it just feels like a whole bunch of messy reasons. I recently discussed how I panic that people won't believe me or think I am a lying, drama creating narc when I open up to them about unhealthy family members. It takes me a veeeeeeery long time to open up to people about that.

That makes sense athene, I often have to weigh up how justified my response is to people I love. I often worry people secretly have bad intentions and are going to turn on me! This happened about a year ago with a former very close friend of mine - the only person at that time I had told my life story to. It made me afraid to tell people about me again but I still have.

Notrightinthehead, I am sometimes reluctant to tell people my feelings in case they think I am being crazy/clingy etc. Maybe if I preface it with I know these feelings are not necessarily true but I still want to address them. All things to take on board.

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DameMelba001

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2019, 07:37:24 AM »
It depends what you're measuring the end from !

And YES ! You CAN take control and stop the guilt !!!!

If you have escaped a relationship with a narcissist, then I would tell you it took me 5 years for the penny to drop guilt about everything even though I still struggle with it at every turn about my kids.

I felt a change at the 5 year freedom point. Everything shifted for me at 5 years.

If it's guilt from having Narc parents then counselling is the only way to end the scar of guilt they leave you with through shaming, guilting and gas lighting.

For two years after I left my ex-H, I couldn't walk past an unmade bed without feeling the pang of guilt that it was my "job" to make that bed otherwise I was a "shocking mother".

I am currently seeing a counsellor who specialised in family patterns and I now understand why every single man I attract or choose will be a narcissist until I find closure on my Narc dad. My entire childhood was overshadowed with a Political Candidate like father (he still is trying to rule my world) who judged and shamed according to the rules in his universe, then I found a husband who specialised in covert guilt tripping and gas lighting which kind of completed the project.

I strongly urge you to get counselling and start thinking about changing your paradigm of owning other people's version of you because it's BS !!!!


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AnonymousS

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2019, 12:15:03 PM »
I am wondering does anyone else has problems with never-ending guilt? I feel guilty when something is my fault, but also when it is the other person's fault - this is with everyone, not limited to interactions with narcs.

Whether I am to blame or not, my guilt and anxiety last for way too long over seemingly minor issues - I flip flop between "I love this person and I am so scared they will abandon me, I am a horrible person" and "our relationship isn't working, they're bad - cut ties, it's over". I think these thoughts even with healthy relationships I have with good people.

Just to clarify, I don't 'act out' on these feelings. It is more an internal struggle where I am trying to make sense of a confusing world. I don't know if by always mentally taking the guilt it makes me feel weirdly more in control of the outcome of the situation? Or maybe I am just wired to self-punish?

I am just getting really exhausted by it. I thought it would get more manageable as I began asserting myself more with people, but no change really :( Any tips?
I feel like you have just described my life. I am the exact same, forever filled with guilt for things that are out of my control :(
I know it sounds daft but meditation helps me, it kinda teaches you to feel something then to let it go.
Itís not easy and takes some getting used to but maybe this could help you ?

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absolutelynope

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Re: Does the guilt about everything ever end?
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2019, 05:27:24 AM »
I have had to resort to psychotherapy to deal with the guilt. The therapist believes he can help me but says it's going to take time.

I totally get it. My husband forgets about his coffee and it goes cold, I then feel guilty that he has to drink cold coffee. It's madness.