Endgame or is it just another bump on the road ?

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Kaneda8888

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Endgame or is it just another bump on the road ?
« on: May 15, 2019, 09:13:02 PM »
I was laid off at the end of last year.  Since then, I've been doing the usual job hunt and as well, trying to do consulting work.  Opportunities are few , job wise, as I usually work in senior roles plus the fact that I am over 50.  I know its going to be a long slog. Still, its depressing, lonely and at times a bit soul crushing.  But I press on as I am not one to give up.  At the same time, my daughter has been looking for a job overseas.  She finally got her job last night after 3 months of interviews.  Fantastic !  I congratulated her and my uNPDw exclaimed: "at least, SOMEONE has a job".  Both my daughter and I froze in shock.  I shook my head, kept silent and walked away.  My daughter turned back to my uNPDw and said "you cant say something like that !".  My uNPDw said "but it was only a joke !"  To be honest, I wasnt upset by her statement.  Its typical of her but I wanted her to realise how insensitive such a statement could be.

Anyway, I kept silent for the remainder of the night and this morning.  My uNPDw said on the way out "are you just going to keep silent ?  Maybe we should get a divorce as I cant stand living like this".  No apology.  No recognition of the hurt she has caused.  I do realise that this is unlikely as being an NPD means she is incapable of blaming herself for anything.

My query is whether this is the beginning of the end or just another flare up.  I think its the latter.  Thinking about my father and my mother who is also an NPD, I wonder about divorce.  My sister had asked my father why didnt he divorce my mother after all the horrible things she put him through.  He said that she would not be able to survive without him.  That is quite true as my mother isnt capable of managing much at all.  My father sacrificed himself for the sake of my mother and the children.  Unfortunately, he died a sad and bitter man. 

I am conflicted about divorce.  If it happens, then I want it to be after my youngest has finished school and is in university.  That is only 18 months away.  BUt do I want divorce or just being separate ?  I certainly could not entertain having another intimate relationship.  I feel that I am incapable of that anymore.  it doesnt upset me to believe that.  Its just the way it is.  My faith brings me a lot of serenity and happiness.

Can anyone relate to this ?
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 09:14:51 PM by Kaneda8888 »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Endgame or is it just another bump on the road ?
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 05:16:25 AM »
I can relate to much of your post. For many years I also was completely numb when my NPDh made hurtful remarks. I often lost the ability to react or speak up for fear of the backlash.  A relationship with an NPDpartner can make you not wanting another romantic involvement ever again. And there is the danger that one replaces one PD partner by another one, of course. 

You might have come to a point in your life where circumstances allow you to work on yourself. Are you implementing the tools from the toolbox when interacting with your wife? Are you reading or informing yourself on narcissistic abuse? Do you have help in real life? A friend, a counsellor, a therapist, a self help group?
I always found solace in telling myself that I did not have to make a decision right away. You do not have to decide now to divorce or to stay, you can inform yourself, start to work towards leaving, even if you never do. Learn all you can on healing from narcissistic abuse.
Find a place where you can be alone and safe for a while. You are not working at the moment, you can go on long hikes or find a project that forces you to spend time in a workshop. Do something for yourself that gives you satisfaction and pride. When I felt really low, I sometimes could make myself feel better through cleaning or repairing something.

Once I stopped trying to change my partner and started to work on myself I began to heal. You are on a good path!

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Kaneda8888

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Re: Endgame or is it just another bump on the road ?
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 08:04:33 PM »
Thanks, nrith.  Yes, I've gradually become 'numb' to the insults, being ignored and hurt of the past.  I do practice some of the OOTF tools such as greyrock and JADE.  This means silence a lot of the time.  It also creates loneliness as there is no one, at that level of supposed intimacy, to share my day with.  So, I do appreciate your suggestion of seeking physical support such as recovery groups or therapy.  I have seen a therapist in the past but that was for alcoholism.  Once that issue was resolved, I forgot about therapy as an avenue.  Just discovered a FB page for NPD recovery.  Its small but at least a start.  I have done a lot of work on myself due to alcoholism.  Fortunately, I've managed to stay clean and sober for over 5 years now.  That was a hellish journey to say the least. Actually that path of recovery is what made me aware of my the NPD that my wife suffers from.  I found faith and spirituality which has truly saved me.  I think my mental health would be far far worse if I hadnt discovered this faith.

Oh, and as predicted, the divorce threat was just another flare up by the looks of it.  Zero mention since yesterday.  It is as if nothing has happened. 

There is no urgency in making a decision as you rightly pointed out.  Step by gradual step, I will prepare a scenario for an exit.  Carefully weigh the pros and cons.  There is time I think.  Maybe also, as I develop a deeper spiritual practice, my outlook will also change.  I believe that patience is the key.