Now it’s on to the birthdays.... triple whammy!

[qcdlvl]

I don't feel loved by them or like I or my DH or kids matter. It's all about them.

Do not cross oceans for people who will not jump a puddle for you. If it's all about them, why bother with them? Why attempt to please them, when they won't return the favor and are probably unpleasable anyway? They complain about being judged, but they probably judge others, including you and you FOC, all the time. Presumably your DH has shown you that he loves you - why are you doubting him and not them? For that matter, given all the pain they cause you, he'd have good reason to dislike them.
I'm sorry if I come across too strong, but please think about this and other replies - sometimes we need an outsider to point out things we might not see otherwise.

[SunnyMeadow]

I sent it this morning. Within half an hour she fired off three texts. I haven't looked at them yet.  Might not until Sunday or might get hubby to read them first. We go on holiday on Monday to a cabin where there is no cell reception or internet for three nights. I need to figure out what I want . 

I don't feel loved by them or like I or my DH or kids matter. It's all about them.

I understand this SO MUCH! So knowing this, I'd say you're justified in just deleting her text replies without even reading them. I wouldn't even have my husband read them for me. It will simply annoy him and he doesn't need that either. Just swipe away her texts. They are just going to be a bunch of  anyway. DELETE

I'm glad you're going to a cabin without cell service for 3 days. It will give you both a chance to decompress. I really like qcdlvl's first sentence: Do not cross oceans for people who will not jump a puddle for you.

Hugs to you!

[nanotech]

They don't know who you are any more?
Congratulations!  Well done! You've freed yourself from them.
KEEP FREE.
Birthdays are a massive exploitative tool for
pds.
In my view, they have  tried shunning their own grandkids in order to get you back into obedient child mode. That didn't work. Now they are trying to feign new interest in birthdays, and blame last year's excuses somehow  on you.
( it's because boo boo we don't know
WHOOOO YOOOOO AAAAARE any more boo hoo! ).

You have changed. You are different. But it's because your true self has emerged. Attacking who you have become, is like a sharp dagger.You've found your identity 🥳 -and they are desperately trying to kill that and put the genie nicely back in the enmeshment  bottle. They want that obedient 7 year old back in their lives.
  I've had this. I was called ' unnatural'  by my father, because I questioned how my mother was behaving toward me at a very difficult time in my life. My mother almost destroyed my relationship with my husband.

We stopped that happening.   

They are doing it to try to reel you back into the fog. You are ok and you are strong. Their opinion of you is mortally skewed by their own disorders. laugh at their efforts to invalidate. Just don't  be affected by anything they say or do. The sky won't fall in.
They are just 2 people in a world of millions. 😊 You'll never cure  them so don't try.

The false hope of a cure keeps many in the fog.

Drop the rope and go make new friends with hubby!  Search out healthy ties with well adjusted people! Or just enjoy your family!
They talk about entitlement. You are entitled to live your life as an independent person and be happy.  XxxxxX