Advice for NC best practices: do you tell your parent you are going NC and why?

[Sherap]

Six months ago, my relationship with my uBPD mom went from Medium Chill to de facto NC, although I never formally expressed to her that I was going NC or why. My question is: is there value in making a point of communicating why you are going NC? It feels weird to have just drifted into NC without actually telling her specifically why.

Background: after my annual holiday visit last winter, she sent me a long, shaming email about how disappointing my visit was and telling me I wasn't welcome to visit again. Instead of the usual apologies and trying to "talk it out," I just grey rocked. I didn't want to get back into another crazy-making cycle of conflict with her. A few weeks later, she ambushed me by jumping on a phone call with my dad. I was taken by surprise so I awkwardly finished the phone call but in a later conversation told my dad I wasn't comfortable with her acting like nothing had happened, etc. Since then we haven't been in contact. Of course she has told our family members that I am being mean to her, that she will never reach out to me to resolve this, and that she expects to live out the rest of her life without ever speaking to me again. So by all appearances, the NC is in place as long as I maintain it. But as I said above, it does feel weird to be NC without ever actually telling her why I don't feel I can be in touch. It just feels like a stalemate, not like there is real resolution (at least from my end) to say, "I don't think we should be in touch and this is why." Without saying so, I guess it just feels like the NC is about a stupid holiday fight and not about an ongoing pattern of abuse.

Should I just get over this and embrace the NC, or is there value in clearly expressing myself to her, even if I know she can't really hear or respond to it?

[11JB68]

It sounds like in this case she has put the nc into place, so I'd probably just let it go.
In my case uPDm used to call me at home, work, cell, and would send guilt inducing notes and letters.
I sent her a letter that said do not contact me in any way, when/if I'm ready I will contact you. And I never have been ready.

[Starboard Song]

My question is: is there value in making a point of communicating why you are going NC? It feels weird to have just drifted into NC without actually telling her specifically why.

Should I just get over this and embrace the NC, or is there value in clearly expressing myself to her?

Yes. The answer is yes: there is value in making a point of communicating why you are going NC. I don't think it is an obligation. Some people have been too hurt to ever say another word. That is OK, too. If that is where you are, move on.

But for the vast majority of folks, NC isn't something that you choose, do, and done. It comes with fighting back from the other party; it comes with flying monkeys;  it comes with collateral damage with innocent, well-meaning family; it comes -- sometimes -- with angst, doubt, and regret.

If you do not clearly state you are NC, your M will rightly be confused: she will likely keep trying to communicate. She'll rightly complain to family that you disappeared without a trace and haven't even given a reason why. Some portion of them will come calling, checking in: mostly innocent, but all upsetting to you.

We see people here all the time upset that someone "emailed me again!!" Emailing one's daughter again is exactly the right thing to do if they've mysteriously ghosted without a word. By explaining yourself without JADEing, you at least give her something to process.

I do: I think it is the right and decent thing to do. I'll never tell anyone here that they owe it in all circumstances, really. But -- especially if you just drifted into NC -- yeah, I think a statement of your intentions is a pretty productive step to take.

[MargaritaBulgakov]

For me personally, I found no reason to write or give a reason. I just ghosted and here's why:

1. I've already told them again and again and only got gaslighted again and again.

2. I don't believe them for a second when they claim to not understand. I really really don't.

3. Anything I say will get twisted and used against me. They will never be led to a moment of understanding. Anything I say will be combed through for inconsistencies or anything they can possibly find to negate everything I've ever said.

4. It will only lead to more arguing. The only way off the merry go round is to step off.

5. It was the first act of power that I exhibited by Not Needing They're Approval.

[Call Me Cordelia]

In your situation I don't think you would be ghosting her. She has already announced her NC with you, until you are prepared to grovel looks like. You're just respecting her decision.

Not that I believe her for a minute that she expects never to speak to you again. She expects you to grovel. Apologize like you have in the past. But this time you are refusing to take the bait.

Whenever she realizes that you are not responding the way you are "supposed" to, she very well may change tactics. Rewrite history. Say, "Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" Manufacture a health crisis. Whatever. You can then say, "I was respecting your expressed wish not to see me. And I found the space so refreshing I'm deciding to make it permanent. Goodbye."

Starboard Song is way nicer than me, I readily admit. And his point is well made about disappearing without a word will naturally lead to them trying desperately to find you. But telling them why you are disappearing is an exercise in futility by my observations on here, with a couple of friends, and my own personal experience. And more to the point it can be dangerous. Telling a PD it's their fault and showing them the facts of the poor behavior, that is holding them accountable, is the same as declaring a fight to the death to the more psychotic ones.

Telling them all the ways they hurt you, or heaven forbid putting them in writing, is basically telling them exactly what works to cause you pain. They will do everything possible to deny it all, but they will also weaponize that information to the best of their ability. If they are so unsafe you need to go NC, they are not safe to share the deepest hurts of your heart, in my opinion.

[Starboard Song]

Telling them all the ways they hurt you, or heaven forbid putting them in writing, is basically telling them exactly what works to cause you pain. They will do everything possible to deny it all, but they will also weaponize that information to the best of their ability. If they are so unsafe you need to go NC, they are not safe to share the deepest hurts of your heart, in my opinion.

Well you aren't wrong.

That was very well stated.

[StayWithMe]

I find having one or two reasons why you are NC with your parents should anyone ask was enough for them to sto intervening.

my sister who likes to be in medias res told me by e-mail I should call our mother.  I wrote her back saying that if mother wanted new news about A, B or C, then I would not be able to help her.

The back story to that is that my mother would raise these issues which I have many times told her to stop doing.  My mother is looking to get a rise out of me by doing that.

My sister came like gang busters.  I maintained my position and told her that I know that A, B, and C are important issues for my mother and I feel bad that I have no new news about those topics.  For this reason, I am concerned about disappoint her.

That was the last time my sister did that.  So now the only person who says that I should call my mother more often is my mother myself.  I guess other people don't want to be confronted with the gratuitous and defenseless behavior that my mother likes visiting upon.

Is there anyway that you could sum up some of the nastier behavior of your mother to repeat to others when they feel like playing peace negotiator?

[Amadahy]

Hi Sherap! What do you think will make YOU feel better (or less bad)?

For me, I wrote Nmom a letter. I could have written a book, but I kept it short (less for her to deny or use). I did resume contact later, but to be honest, my life is much harder with her in it.

Best wishes. There's no easy or "right" way.

[Morocha2015]

Sadly, you'll probably never get the resolution you want regardless of what you choose. If you would feel better letting her know your decision and why, then by all means do it. But realistically it probably won't help and will just lead to more gaslighting. At least that was my experience.

[all4peace]

I believe in clear and direct communication. I also believe that we can be very careful about how much detail goes into it. Conceivably one could say "I'm not willing for contact at this time. I will let you know when I'm ready to be in contact again. I won't be responding to any communication for X months. Thank you for respecting my wishes." without opening one's heart yet again, or getting into an endless argument.

Really, though, your M has already established NC very clearly. You are really in the place of either accepting it or talking to her about it. She already established it.

If it feels like a "stupid holiday fight" kind of temporary NC, is it possible you feel a need to define it? To have some sort of power and control over it? (understandably) In that case, you could let her know you've received her message, and add on your own feelings/thoughts about it. ie: "You've expressed your extreme disappointment in me, and the fact that you don't ever want me to visit again. I accept that, and I will no longer be contacting you." (with more or less detail as preferred by you)

For me and DH, we clearly stated our boundaries and level of contact with each set of parents. It helped me tremendously for when there were hoovers, as I could fall back on that and be reassured that we had clearly spoken our hearts to them, even though we weren't heard or understood.

[orb]

i just up and left with no explanation.
i couldn't take one more minute of it.
i do not believe there is any value in explaining anything to uNPDparents.
1. they aren't listening
2. they don't care
3. it will change nothing
4. telling them how they make you feel is exactly the kind of delicious narc supply they live for

[illogical]

Six months ago, my relationship with my uBPD mom went from Medium Chill to de facto NC, although I never formally expressed to her that I was going NC or why. My question is: is there value in making a point of communicating why you are going NC? It feels weird to have just drifted into NC without actually telling her specifically why.

Hi Sherap,

You post that your mother is uBPD.  My experience is with NPD, although NPD and BPD are similar.  With Ns, they will frequently devalue and discard if they get wind you are wise to their game.  It could be that your mother sensed you were wise to her while you were Medium Chill and she decided to "beat you to the punch" by going NC first.

Continuing with the supposition-- your mother devalues you (smear campaigns you) and then discards you (goes NC).  That way, she can play the victim.  She tells others she has "no idea" why you are acting so mean to her, then abruptly drops you like a hot potato, not telling others she is the one who discarded you but, rather, you are the one who treated her mean and discarded her.

This is textbook NPD behavior.  So I think this is what is happening here.  I would feel no obligation to tell her why you decided not to resolve things.  As orb said, "it will change nothing" and "telling them how they make you feel is exactly the kind of delicious narc supply they live for."

It sucks to be discarded by a NPD (or Cluster B).  But as other posters have pointed out, she is the one who went NC with you, i.e., discarded you.  [And let me point out here that when we, as abuse victims go NC, it is to protect ourselves from further abuse.  When NPDs/BPDs discard, it's because they want to have The Last Word or be in control.  It's a selfish motive, not a protective motive.  It's only "protective" in the sense that the N knows that you are wise to their game and they want to "get you before you get them", i.e., expose them for the charlatans they are.]

I would stake a large bet she has smeared you to all who will listen.  My humble advice is to tell her nothing and get on with the business of living your life. 

[JustKat]

Hi Sherap,

My situation was quite similar to yours. My final straw moment was also an argument over the annual family Christmas. In my case, we were on the phone, she triggered me, and I finally called her out on her bad behavior. She went off-the-charts infantile. I hung up on her and never spoke to her again (she died five years ago while I was still NC).

I didn't feel the need to explain it for several reasons. First off, she knew why I did it. The phone call was followed up with a snail mail dissertation detailing every way I had ever disappointed her, going back to childhood. The second was that I had been under the silent treatment for the better part of my life, with her only coming out of it when it was convenient to her or necessary for keeping up appearances. After nearly 50 years of that, I felt going NC was self-explanatory.

And all of the reasons orb listed, especially the last one. I knew that telling her how much pain she had caused me would have pleased her to no end and given her fuel for her drama.

For me, it was fast and completely unplanned. No explanation. And NO regrets.

Background: after my annual holiday visit last winter, she sent me a long, shaming email about how disappointing my visit was and telling me I wasn't welcome to visit again.

I should add that my NPDmother also told me not to return to the family Christmas during our "final straw" phone call. I don't think she really meant it since she needed everyone there for her perfect-mother/perfect-family act, but me hanging up and ending all contact shouldn't have come as a surprise to her.

[KeepingMyBlue]

What will give you the most peace if mind?

I honestly think that is the number one question, and only you can answer that.

I had a few things to get off my chest, so I gave it one last try, and it turned into a screaming match, but I was ready for that too. I try to remember that when the guilt tries to take over, and it helps.
The result is that she thinks she is punishing me, which irks me, but functionally doesn't make any difference. And the silence is deafening sometimes, but then I come here and read about restraining orders, and it helps...a little. Seems like there's no middle ground.

[doglady]

I found this article very helpful.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/nov/24/my-relationship-with-my-parents-has-always-been-difficult-and-i-wonder-if-i-should-cut-all-ties

Along with this article

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/heres-how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members

And this book

https://www.amazon.com/But-Its-Your-Family-Aftermath/dp/1642790990/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl_nodl?tag=mind0a3-20

And of course the very helpful lives experiences on this site.
Currently in a very similar situation.

Hope it's ok to post these links. Best wishes.

[StayWithMe]

This is from that Guardian article:

"If you decide you want to stay in contact," suggests Mills, "you could do something incredibly brave – and you are incredibly brave. You could write them a letter – not an email – saying: 'I want us to talk about the past, not to beat anyone up about it, but so we can have a shared reality, because I need that.'"

I thought the general wisdom is to write a letter and leave it in the drawer.

[JustKat]

I thought the general wisdom is to write a letter and leave it in the drawer.

That's what my therapists have always recommended - to write a letter but not send it, more as a healing exercise just for me.

I know with my own Nmother, expressing my emotions in writing would have been a huge mistake. She knew very well herself that the written word could be weaponized and always took precautions with her own letters. Every venomous letter I received from her is typewritten or computer printed and unsigned, no return address label, creating complete deniability. The measures she took to protect herself from the contents of her own letters taught me to be careful myself. If I had ever sent anything in writing, either via email or snail mail, I know she would have used them to play the victim or to delight in knowing how much pain she had caused me (or both).

I guess it all depends on the type of PD they have, but my experience with NPD is to never share your feelings in writing.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Just Kathy that is outrageous that your mother would cover her tracks like that. That means she knows exactly how horrible she's being.

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks for sharing those articles, Doglady.  This line especially resonated with me:  "It is far better to make the decision to go no contact and break our own heart than it is to stay in a relationship in which our toxic family members break our heart over and over."  I recently decided to go VVLC with my ex-husband, and this is how I feel. 

[AMC]

Sherap -

I ended up writing my mother a letter, even though the last conversation I had with her on the phone ended with her agreeing that she wouldn't contact me again. Because it was followed by an intense period of harassment I felt  I needed to address her directly, in a short, clear letter telling her she had hurt me (but not how, because I have already told her so many times) and that if she didn't stop harassing me I would take legal action.

However, if you are effectively NC with your mother already, without being ambushed by her, then maybe just writing a letter but not sending it could help? I have 23 draft emails on my server, of things I knew I had to say, but also knew I couldn't send to her because she would attack me, use them against me and ultimately drown me.

There may be a balance in sending a formal, clear letter of instruction about attempts at contact that you could send, and then a more personal letter that you get out of your system, but don't choose to send.


I hope you find the right balance for you.