Advice for NC best practices: do you tell your parent you are going NC and why?

[StayWithMe]

I want to send my mother a letter as recap of all the cruel things she has done to me over the years.  Pretty much a summary so if any do-gooder wants to tell me that I'm not nice enough to my mother I will have something to hand this person. 

I think that this would affect my mother because she is concerned about her reputation which is what makes her back down at times.  For example, she won't do certain things in public because she knows I'll make a scene.  And I have said now, if you say this to me again, I will call that person and ask if it's true.

the sticking point at the moment is now the right time to do so.  I am very much in toouch with my siblings.  Thankfully no one chastises me for the VLC I give her.  Interestingly enough because of the close contact with my siblings, I will be on 2 trips with my mother.  One has already past and another will occur in August.  So I guess that leaves from August to Christmas to get a letter out, preferably to my brother because he and she are very close.  Every thing I say to him is repeated to her .........  Don't get mad, just learn to use it.  I know I will be writing stuff that he is not aware of even we grew up in the same household.

[JustKat]

Just Kathy that is outrageous that your mother would cover her tracks like that. That means she knows exactly how horrible she's being.

Thanks, Cordelia, and I totally agree. Covering her tracks when sending written letters confirmed to me that she knew exactly what she was doing to me. It was one of the things that helped me Out of the FOG... realizing that she was very much aware of her abusive actions.

I don't want to go off-topic and hijack the thread, but the bottom line is that Nmothers excel at weaponizing the written word.

[Sidney37]

I'm confused by this as well.  Books about boundaries that I have been reading say that I should express boundaries clearly so they know what they are.  Going LC, VLC and now NC (but really silent treatment), I didn't really express anything.  I just cut back from calling daily (which has been demanded and met with punishment if I didn't for 20 years or more) to calling every 3 days.  Now I'm getting the silent treatment.  People here have told me to enjoy the silence, but in some ways, I'd rather have  stated all of the reasons I am talking to her less or not at all.  I like clear communication and cutting contact or cutting back contact without it makes me feel unsettled.  Right now I'm just left wondering why I'm getting the silent treatment.  I feel like had I gone VLC or NC and explained why, I'd be in control of the situation.  I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks after daily phone calls since the last silent treatment a few years ago.  This time I called on Mother's Day and left 2 messages.  The silent treatment makes me wonder if they got the messages and if I'm being punished because they think I didn't call on Mother's Day.  My friends think that it is unlikely that they didn't get the messages. 

What have people been told by their therapists about communicating why they are going NC?  I feel like it would put me more in control of the situation.  My last therapist didn't believe in VLC or NC at all and had me read books about why it would harm my children and lead to issues for generations.  I'm curious what therapists who get PD say to do?

[all4peace]

Sidney37, my T believed my parents were ineligible for reconciliation but also was supportive of direct and clear communication on what it would take to rebuild the relationship. I'm at VLC now regardless, but I have not regretted being clear for the reasons why. It didn't fix the relationship, but I'm not left wondering if I was unfair in not communicating.

It's so personal, dependent on so many variables. Even though we offer input and advice, really each one of us has to figure out for sure what works for us in our situation.

Often when people advocate "stop talking", they've already clearly spoken their hurts and boundaries many times and at some point we do often choose to not repeat it one more time. Hope that helps.

[JustKat]

Sidney,

The therapist I was seeing at the time I went NC felt that there was no chance of reconciliation and that pursuing it further would only cause me additional pain. When I had my "final straw" phone call with my Nmother, I called her out on all of her bad behavior, so I essentially told her right then and there what the problem was (she already knew anyway). Both my T and I were pretty much in agreement that things were beyond repair and that no further explanation was needed.

But that's just my own experience with therapy. As all4peace said, every situation is different. I don't have any kids so the advice I was given may have been different if there were children involved.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It's so personal, dependent on so many variables. Even though we offer input and advice, really each one of us has to figure out for sure what works for us in our situation.

Often when people advocate "stop talking", they've already clearly spoken their hurts and boundaries many times and at some point we do often choose to not repeat it one more time. Hope that helps.

I'm so glad you said this. With me, I haven't laid it all out and I think that was the right thing for me. Parents proved themselves completely unsafe. But the guilt comes back, especially with regard to my siblings because I never did tell them I was going NC last year. I just wasn't up to the immediate blowup after going through it with my parents. It took them so long to even try to reach out that I'm not sure if they still haven't figured it out...

I've laid out more than enough for them to get started with, though. And got gaslighting, rug-sweeping, and silent treatment in return. I haven't even told them the worst stuff. But what would be the point? If I got even one sincere apology, or some indication of self-awareness, that would make a huge difference.

I'm considering being clear with my siblings that I am not open to communicating with them. But NOT telling them why other than euphemistic blandness.

[illogical]

Every situation is different, and a lot of getting through the maze and Out of the FOG for me was trial and error. I went NC with my GC brother twice before I gave up on any kind of relationship with him and went permanent NC.  The first two times I wrote him a "truth" letter and told him what he had done to hurt me and why I felt some space was needed between us.  Both letters were met with "justifications" for his behavior, outright denial of his actions and lying.  Nevertheless, in order to have a relationship with him, I sojourned on, allowed him to sweep all the bad behaviors under the rug.  In other words, I capitulated.  The third time I went NC it was when I had been VLC with my NM and GC brother and realized they were totally enmeshed and a "package deal".  I cut contact from VLC to VVLC, then quit visiting, taking phone calls and changed my phone number.  That was the point where I just let go of the rope and went NC.  I did not give either one an explanation, as I knew from past experience it wouldn't change anything and just result in more blaming, shaming, gaslighting, denial and lying on their part.

So my feelings are there is no "right" or "wrong" way.  Do what you feel is best for you.  What may work for me may not work for you.  As I said, a lot of it is trial and error.  It has been my experience that a letter "explaining" your disengagement is more for standing up for yourself and finding a voice, even if it is met with dysfunction.  But I don't think it changes much in the relationship.  Maybe you might view it as "giving them one more chance" to change, but the likelihood of that is slim.  I got to the point where one more chance turned into two more, then three more and on and on until I said "Enough.  That's it.  I'm done here."

[Sidney37]

Sidney37, my T believed my parents were ineligible for reconciliation but also was supportive of direct and clear communication on what it would take to rebuild the relationship. I'm at VLC now regardless, but I have not regretted being clear for the reasons. It didn't fix the relationship, but I'm not left wondering if I was unfair in not communicating.

  Thanks.  This is why I feel in some situations clear communication is necessary.  Having had a therapist who disagreed with NC and not having found a new one yet, it has made me wonder what is best. 

It does seem to be different for each of us.  It's not a one size fits all solution, because our situations are so different.  It has been trial and error for many years for me.  I think we are finally to the NC point which is devastating and a relief all at the same time.

[Psuedonym]

I did right a letter and send it; it has become known as THE LETTER. I read it to my therapist first. She had recommended me writing one, and said 'send it if you want, it's your choice'.

For me the letter has been helpful. First off, it was not personal about how I felt, there was very little of that. It was more of a position paper on what had happened mainly over the last two years (with a few other references) and why I was done. I used quotes from her therapist (that were said in front of me), quotes from relatives (anonymous) and events that happened in front of others. The essence of the letter was 'you are responsible for your own life, i'm not your cheerleader/therapist/parent. your own therapist has said you need to do x, y, and z, you've done none of it, and instead done a, b, and c. you need professional help, and i'm not a professional'.

Now her reaction to the letter has been everything that everybody has already mentioned: half of it is untrue, i am a liar, i am mentally unstable, there's always been something wrong with me,  the examples are actually things I did to her.  The reasons I think it was worthwhile are:

a) it was the first and only time I ever, ever spoke the truth
b) whenever she talks to my bf (who bravely deals with her when necessary) and she says 'i don't know why she's done this to meeeeeee!' He can say with confidence, 'yeah you do'
c) her absolute refusal to acknowledge her own behavior, much less apologize for it, has removed any doubt from my mind that she is capable of change. As my BF says 'she'll go to her grave before admitting or apologizing for anything.'

So it really depends on what you want to get out of the letter. If its for you, then it might be worth it. If you expect any type of understanding or have an expectation that it won't be used against you, then maybe not so much. Hope that helps!

[lotusblume]

I agree when others say it's a personal decision and you need to do what's best for you. I think in order to begin healing and moving on with your life, a letter is recommended, whether you send it or not is up to you. I have written many letters that I haven't sent and it helps me to deal with my emotions.

I originally wrote two long letters and sent them to my parents following months of bad behaviour. I hadn't yet started connecting the dots about my whole life but I digress...

I listed the things that were hurtful, what needed to change, and that I was hoping to have an adult relationship with mutual respect. It felt very good to write and send and I'm still proud of myself for having the courage to stand up for myself in that way. It is also a reminder that they know exactly why I stepped away. After writing the letter, I requested space (wasn't intending on going NC for this long).

They totally ignored the letter, an even bigger s*it storm was created, family mobbing, blame shifting, denial, scapegoating, you name it. I asked them if they read the letter and the closest thing I got to acknowledgement was "yes it has been read". I had put my emotions out there, told them how I felt, was loving and respectful and underlined how I hoped we could make positive changes because I wanted to have a relationship with them in the future.

The problem is, they did not want to accept that I had a point and look at their own behaviour. They have never apologised. They have smeared me and made it seem like I just cut them out of my life and they are victims.

(Writing this out is actually a great reminder.)

I do not regret having written that letter, in fact I am happy I engaged in open communication. At that point in my journey it was also the right thing to do for me. It was the first time I had ever confronted them in that way.

Later on, with siblings and extended family members, I reduced from VLC to NC without a word. There were boundaries put up and ignored, harassing, bullying, abuse and enabling and eventually I just could no longer engage for my own sanity.

I felt guilty for a long time about it all, but we all know that is part of the programming, and that guilt will lift as you work hard to be compassionate with yourself, respect and stand up for yourself, and accept your own reality. I think it is something alot of us experience and transcend. My point is, sending a letter or not, it will be really hard, and you may doubt yourself and wonder if you are the horrible person being projected at you. Eventually, I have learned to care more about what I think of myself than what anyone else does. And remember, your feelings are yours, and you are not in control of anyone elses.

Hope that helps and wishing you the best. You are very brave to take the steps in caring for yourself first and foremost.

[doglady]

Great posts here. My experience is very similar to lotusblume's.
I've sent letters because that helped me to do so. They were ignored. Nothing changed, no one listened, the scapegoating, smearing and recruitment of flying monkeys continued, along with the inevitable (and it has to be said blessed) silent treatment. This has all been followed by the predictable hoovering with never any acknowledgement or ownership of the behaviour on the part of my parents. Rinse and repeat.
These days, I have no expectations for change on their part, but it was therapeutic for me to put my version out there. I advocate doing what works for you. For example, if a letter helps, I would support that. If sending it helps the client, I support that too. If the you don't feel that would help, I support that too. Explore what's best for you.  However my point is, are no right or wrong answers here. It's a very individual decision. As long as it's therapeutic to tell the FOO concerned and the writer can also let go of their expectations that a letter will achieve change in the other parties, then it can be worth doing.
In my own case, it unleashed a shitstorm. But that was predicted and at least I felt I'd got my truth out there, despite it being disregarded.

[blues_cruise]

Six months ago, my relationship with my uBPD mom went from Medium Chill to de facto NC, although I never formally expressed to her that I was going NC or why. My question is: is there value in making a point of communicating why you are going NC? It feels weird to have just drifted into NC without actually telling her specifically why.

Background: after my annual holiday visit last winter, she sent me a long, shaming email about how disappointing my visit was and telling me I wasn't welcome to visit again. Instead of the usual apologies and trying to "talk it out," I just grey rocked. I didn't want to get back into another crazy-making cycle of conflict with her. A few weeks later, she ambushed me by jumping on a phone call with my dad. I was taken by surprise so I awkwardly finished the phone call but in a later conversation told my dad I wasn't comfortable with her acting like nothing had happened, etc. Since then we haven't been in contact. Of course she has told our family members that I am being mean to her, that she will never reach out to me to resolve this, and that she expects to live out the rest of her life without ever speaking to me again. So by all appearances, the NC is in place as long as I maintain it. But as I said above, it does feel weird to be NC without ever actually telling her why I don't feel I can be in touch. It just feels like a stalemate, not like there is real resolution (at least from my end) to say, "I don't think we should be in touch and this is why." Without saying so, I guess it just feels like the NC is about a stupid holiday fight and not about an ongoing pattern of abuse.

Should I just get over this and embrace the NC, or is there value in clearly expressing myself to her, even if I know she can't really hear or respond to it?

I think it depends where you're at emotionally and how strong you feel in dealing with any repercussions from telling her formally that you are no contact. The lead-up to no contact for me was similar to yours in that my uNPD father was pretty much rejecting and shaming me with no effort to improve the situation. No contact came about after the second period of three months of silent treatment initiated by him, where I decided that I couldn't subject myself to it anymore and let it slip into no contact. He has major issues with rage and I can read him like a book: I knew that if I sent him a letter then I would end up with an explosion of smear campaigns, phone calls to others in the family, unexpected visits and possible visits to my workplace. Granted, I've experienced most of this anyway, but it's been a trickle over the past two years rather a deluge and has been far less overwhelming to cope with than it would have been if it had all come at me at once. 

If you did express no contact with your mom then would you feel better for it, or is it something you feel that you should do because you think it's the moral thing to do? It's such a difficult situation and my heart does go out to you. We don't do this to punish or teach our parents a lesson but I understand the guilt and weirdness you can feel.

Maybe you could write a letter, then once it's written re-read it several times and decide the plus and negative points to sending it. If you feel overwhelmingly that it would put your mind at ease and offer some kind of resolution then it could be worthwhile sending. If, however, you read it and the overwhelming feeling is that you're worried your mother will use your own words against you and react terribly to it, then it might be better left unsent. Ultimately all our situations are different and only you know exactly what kind of person she is and what you're dealing with.

[Mum2one]

Personally, I think it depends on if the person even hears you. Is it like banging your head against the wall when you communicate with them? (Probably lol since we're all here and all...)

The first time I stated something politely and round about, don't call me, I'll call you. Fell on deaf ears.

The second time around I was bold. I stated I did not want any contact and would contact them if and when I felt ready. It fell on deaf ears again.

This last time, I wished them well and to seek support. Then I hung up, blocked all channels of communication and left it that way. This one has lasted the longest.

So I think it depends on what stage you are at and who you are dealing with. If they have already nc you, I'd just drop the rope and be ready for them to pop when you least expect it. You can voice your opinion at that time. Otherwise, journal your reasons and let it go. They don't care why. They want control, not to understand. It only hurts us more by trying to make it right.

You can also always burn a letter for closure.

[sarandro]

Hi,
I sent a letter about 10 years ago, thinking I was doing the 'right' thing. I too thought that written communication would clear the air and somehow enable the whole family to work out 'differences' by getting together.
I did not blame, I just wrote about the facts, how they had done these things and how I had reacted. (In an effort to help me understand  why I still needed some reasons for the things they did.)

Then a whole summer of ST, great, I thought...then I thought, NO...why should they 'get away' with those behaviours and have no consequences?

Then when I decided to have a face to face with them to ask for logical dialogue (!!!!!) all I got from my mother was,
''OOOh, stop, you're making me ill/Why am I being penalised???/ (To my father)...stop her, why aren't you helping me?
So.....I had made these things up/I needed help/That never happened/You're crazy just like......etc etc.
My father just sat there.

After reading about PD's, it was a revelation to me and I realised they would NEVER change, so a couple of months ago I wrote a letter to my brother and sister and told them of my plans to be VVVVVVLC.
Soon after that, my father died and on the day of the funeral, something inside just clicked (after yet another nasty comment from my mother) and I have gone NC.
I have not and will not be writing them any more letters.
Mother keeps phoning, but I won't answer, she really does know why I have gone NC and now, so do brother and sister.

It feels very wrong to me but as I have always been the odd one out,  I sometimes think that the rest of my  FOO like things the way they are!?
My FOO were never close to me...always to blame for stirring things up (telling the truth or trying to stop their behaviours)

Things have very likely changed a great deal....no more SG me!!!
Mother will have to pick one of them instead!

Every family is so very different, but I hope my tale inspires you...much lovexx

[blues_cruise]

It feels very wrong to me but as I have always been the odd one out,  I sometimes think that the rest of my  FOO like things the way they are!?

If they have incentive to stick with the status quo then they won't jeopardise that. No-one wants to be the outcast who gets villainised. In fairness, I get it, because until the trigger point when my life started to become actively made a misery by my father I had the same mentality. It was no longer a viable coping mechanism though so no contact became the healthiest choice. No-one gets to treat me like poop anymore, particularly not 'family'.

[StayWithMe]

My sister and my mother engage in what I call verbal guerilla warfare.  That is, to make reference to something.  But when you want to carry on the conversation, they say, I'm not getting involved.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You are asking a great question which in itself shows your ability to reflect, self-examine, and desire to instill some peace somewhere. It also makes me think you have genuine care and concern for these people.  The only issue with actually verbalizing your reasons is that those on the receiving end usually lack the ability to process it in the way you intend. If people had such insights and awareness in the first place, things may have never degraded to a point where you had to remove yourself. Sometimes people will use your words as future ammunition against you and will dissect them with others and then they all align on some new narrative to show how unbalanced you are. Your honest efforts will have been turned against you. I guess the answer depends on how safe you feel that it will actually bring any clarity or resolution?  Will your parents respect your right to have an opinion that opposes theirs?  It is likely you have already given your parents hints of your reasons throughout your whole life during disagreements and they just disregarded it.  Going no contact does not just happen at a moments notice. I do believe you deserve to put your own emotional needs first and do not have to explain that to anyone.

[MamaDryad]

I agree with those who have said that it really depends on what you will feel best about.

In my own experience with my uBPD, alcoholic mother, it didn't matter what I said. I've explained so many times. I've written (no exaggeration) a novel's worth of explanation over the past few years and sent her much of it, and she still tells me and others that I refuse to tell her why I don't want her around me or my son.

The idea of a letter not to send is a good one, especially if you're someone who organizes your thoughts more easily in writing. It also has the benefit of being a record if you start to waver or wonder whether you're making it all up, some time down the line (NC has a way of making us doubt ourselves sometimes).

If sending it feels like the right thing to do, you can do that. But in my experience, one has to let go of the idea that it will get through her defenses at all, much less change her behavior or keep her from playing the victim. If you haven't read Issendai's "The Missing Missing Reasons," you may find it as illuminating as I did.