They just won't let it go. Considering my options.

[Saywhat]

Ok, so I have been 'NC' for around 18 months (notice the quotation marks).

For the first year, it was nothing but silence on their side. This was extremely hard for me since this was also the year my first son was born. Even though I didn't want to have any contact with them, on the other hand it was painful to know they cared so little.

Around the time my son turned one, the hoovering attempts started. When I asked her to stop, she started to spam me with messages over several platforms, and even bought airplane tickets (or so she claimed) to come visit us on my son's birthday.

After that there was relative silence for a while but now she has started to spam me again and I don't know what to do. As I know her, she will never stop as she has always been like this. She knows no boundaries and respect is out of the question for her. What I think and feel is not important to her and she only wants one thing: to reestablish a relationship so she can save face in front of other family members (and have her favorite scapegoat back). 


I have considered not responding to her at all but I fear that this will eventually ignite her rage and that this could lead to an escalation. This is a person with a history of online bullying and I'm scared of what she can do to my family, to me and to our finances (we own a business that runs mostly online...).

I feel very powerless and I am starting to consider taking the legal route with her. It will be very difficult (or at least I think so) to win a harassment lawsuit as her messages are mostly positive hoovering attempts and I understand that an impartial judge would not consider them harassment. But I still think it is incredibly unjust that I have to withstand her invasions of my space when she is the very person who destroyed  me emotionally (and almost physically). Once I heard a story of a man who raped a girl, was sentenced to prison, and when he finished his prison sentence would go to the victim's workplace every day to say hello to her.

That is how I feel right now. The person who raped me (albeit emotionally) is allowed to show up in my inbox and cellphone whenever she pleases, sending me into a PTSD flashback every time. Not only that, but society not only accepts this but deems her as the victim because she's my 'poor mother'. It's just not fair.

Have any of you had similar experiences? How have you dealt with them?

[Call Me Cordelia]

What a thing to be going through just as you become a mother yourself. It's stressful enough, and I hate to think of this drama with your mother robbing your joy in your own motherhood. Trying to take over your son's first birthday when she is not wanted is absolutely awful. 

So yes, I have also gone NC with my parents, when I had a newborn (not my first though). Their Hoovers were immediate and persistent. I blocked and ignored them for several months, almost a year. They never gave up. Eventually I sent a cease and desist letter via certified mail, threatening legal action if they didn't stop it.

That worked. I highly recommend that course of action and wish I had done it sooner. You have to mean it though. If they contact you after that, you need to follow through on petitioning for a protective order. But with such a letter and their signature on the receipt, I find it hard to believe a judge wouldn't side with you. I disagree that "positive" messages can't constitute harassment. The content is not the main issue. If you make it clear you do not want contact, and those wishes are repeatedly ignored, that is the definition of harassment. Whether the messages say "I looooove you!" Or "You ungrateful horrible little blankety blank!" is immaterial. Also, stop reading them.  But document every attempt.

If you are not ready to go that route, then in my opinion ignoring is the best thing. Engaging with her would be a source of supply and therefore success in her mind. She may escalate when you are silent, but it's pretty much guaranteed she will if you respond. Response is proof that you are still tied to her and she can win. To her it's all a power struggle.

[Thru the Rain]

Consider setting an email rule that sends her messages to Junk, or another folder.

And block her on your phone so you don't get texts or calls.

On social media sites, look for privacy settings that allow you to control who can see and interact with you. And maybe consider removing yourself from some/all social media, at least for a while.

I know several people who use variations on their real name for social media to help keep their privacy. Literally a wrong or phonetic spelling of their name. Something to consider.

And document all these steps so if you do go for a legal option, you can show you've made attempts to avoid contact.

[Kiki81]

This is what I did to take care of myself and my DH:
1. I blocked them on my phone.
They can't leave messages or text.

2. I blocked them on my email.

3. I have my DH handle the mail.
The only mail is a yearly birthday card (stick in my eye) and possibly a flying monkey birthday card from my mom's BFF, my godmother. After DH reads these, they get shredded.

I'm fortunate because once my uB/NM and I truly went mano-a-mano and ugly truths were exposed to The light of day, she has no use for us. My parents want admiring slaves and we stopped being that, so I experience what's going on as NC on my part and Silent Treatment on theirs (doubling down).

So I go about my life without even a hint of them. I'm in control, not them. It's great. It's allowed me to heal on my own time/own way, and be emotionally available to my husband and FOC.

[newlife33]

That is how I feel right now. The person who raped me (albeit emotionally) is allowed to show up in my inbox and cellphone whenever she pleases, sending me into a PTSD flashback every time. Not only that, but society not only accepts this but deems her as the victim because she's my 'poor mother'. It's just not fair.

Have any of you had similar experiences? How have you dealt with them?

That rings true with me.  When I was still talking to my father and trying to setup boundaries I can remember feeling this way.  It was bizarre, off putting and traumatic to sort of be mindful of his attempts and to watch him try to control and manipulate me.  It was a combination of fascinating and traumatizing, I almost saw him as a different species, something less human and more parasitic.

[orb]

i went through weeks of this.
i blocked everything, and responded to nothing.
letters, cards, parcels.....i opened them and disposed of them, and did not respond in any way.
then the flying monkeys came....for many months.
i identified them one at a time.....they got gray rock, and a sort of dull calm in person, and then i also blocked them electronically every which way.

initially i was terrified of the smearing and how it would affect me in the community and in my business.
i realised there was absolutely nothing i could do except remain steadfast in my NC; to never respond to anything; in short, to act as though they simply did not exist.
after almost 3 years of consistent boundary-enforcing, they have mostly given up.

[treesgrowslowly]

I spoke with a family lawyer to get their advice about my concern that my mother would push her way into our life after I went NC.

Talking to the lawyer helped. She told me how the legal system tends to view NC and grandparent visitation rights which was my concern. I felt reassured by the laywer. At the time, it sounded like our courts were not in the business of imposing relationships on people who had gone NC.

There may be counsellors in your city that know of people with legal expertise regarding how to protect yourself and your business from someone you've gone NC with. I have learned that it is not uncommon to need advice on how and what to document for legal purposes since there are others who would find themselves in this situation and there would be people who have insight about the legal aspect of this situation.

I feel for you. I spent years worrying if the NPD would escalate to threats or violence towards me and my family.

She never came at me though. Email and social media blocked, and I was reminded that they live on a different planet psychologically. To save face with the fsmily my guess is she simply makes things up to them. Lying isn't a problem for a lot of NPDs and they can spin anything when they need to look good. Its what they do no matter what is going on in reality. They have their own reality where they have their stories. Try to reassure yourself that there's always something about their story that doesn't match reality, and document everything.

[Saywhat]

I'm sorry that I have not replied to this thread; sometimes when I post something in the forum I feel like I've dropped a grenade and need to run away as far as I can. It can be very triggering to speak about these things.

I will respond to you and post an update this week.

[SpunHead13]

That is how I feel right now. The person who raped me (albeit emotionally) is allowed to show up in my inbox and cellphone whenever she pleases, sending me into a PTSD flashback every time. Not only that, but society not only accepts this but deems her as the victim because she's my 'poor mother'. It's just not fair.
?

I can empathize with what you say here. It seems so innocuous and friendly when i try I explain to friends that my parent brought me groceries.  Or some other hoovering gesture or gift.

But I've come to accept that the PD knows how much this gift triggers. And how easy it is for her to save face when describing what she does for me. And that is why she does it. To put me off balance, so that I'm easier to control.

It takes an effort to imagine their actions as coming from an emotional/psychological place that is so different from my own.

I wish you peace.

[AMC]

I can really relate to your experience and am so sorry you are going through the pain and upheaval of dealing with this situation and toxic behaviour.

My advice echos a lot of what has already been said, but just to reiterate and encourage you - I spoke to the police and a solicitor and even through the nature of the content in her efforts to communicate with me swung between hateful - to hoovering, they totally recognised it was unwanted - and that is harassment. They didn't doubt me and it can be very helpful to hear that from an authority, even if you never choose to act on it via a court case.

Secondly, I blocked my PD mother on all platforms, setting up a redirect on emails and my partner vets all emails and post.

Eventually, I settled on sending her a letter of warning  - a cease and desist - it has, for now, had the desired affect. If you don't want to go down the court route immediately, I would recommend this. I asked her to email my partner letting him know she had received the letter and if she was going to respect my wishes to be left alone. This way, if things do kick off, I have really solid, recent evidence of her agreeing to back off and that is reassuring.

She obviously has no boundaries and trying to react in a rational is unlikely to work with her - I learned this over an 8-month period of harassment that nearly broke me. You are being retraumatised, and living in fear like that is totally unacceptable. Any authority I spoke to recognised the nature of the communication was insidious and had a really negative impact on my quality of life.

You deserve better than this and I would recommend you do whatever puts solid barriers between you both  - blocking online, redirected emails, cease and desist and if needed - legal action. It is simple self preservation.

Sending strength your way.