I tried too hard

[TriedTooHard]

Hello,

I've been researching the subject of personality disorders for about 10 years.  I believe there is undiagnosed NPD and BPD on both sides of my family of origin.  Specifically, one or more of my 4 grandparents (all deceased), one or both of my elderly parents, and one or two of my siblings.  While there have been some horrific incidents of abuse and dysfunction perpetrated by these people, they're actually not as disordered as some others I've heard about.  Because PDs are on a spectrum, and some people may just have traits of a PD without actually being PD'd, and I myself am not always a "day at the beach", I have been very confused as to how to deal with these people.

About 6 years ago (I forget exactly when), I found this site, registered, and participated heavily.  Back then, I needed to hash over some of the more disturbing incidents of physical abuse I had undergone.  I was extremely angry and this site really helped me to calm down.  But after, I was embarrassed, so I changed my name and eventually stopped posting.  I went to therapy, went to co-dependents anonymous meetings, and even met some great women at some meetups for daughters of narcissistic mothers.  While involved in all that, I started healing and seeing great improvements in my life.  But, I also realized that there are much more hideous forms of PDs out there than my relatives. 

These face to face groups eventually faded away, due to normal cycle of life issues, and I was too busy to take any leadership role in keeping them going.  At the same time, as some of my relatives began to age, they quieted down.  One sibling who was very self absorbed started researching PDs and improved his relationship with me.  I realized that some people can have traits because of their upbringings, and just need to heal.  So, I started giving some of my other relatives a break.  They actually would show signs of empathy here and there, and their lives were so sad, I decided to give them a break.  Maybe after all, they were just extreme co-dependents, some with C-PTSD, and I needed to try harder with my grey rock and boundaries.

That was all well and good until my own life started to have issues.  Just normal stuff - slowing down due to middle age, going through a minor accident, worrying about a child becoming a teen in this crazy world, husband becoming chronically ill, caring for pets, and holding down a job.  I started realizing if I spoke too much of this stuff to my family of origin, they would tell me how much harder they have things and that I made bad choices and needed to be stronger, and work harder.  So I stopped complaining.    I'd just try to update them on the happy stuff going on, and be a better listener.  But I started to sense I also needed to be very cautious of telling them too many positive things.  I also started realizing that they were just waiting for me to stop talking, so they could turn the subject back to themselves. 

Well, yesterday, two things happened that I believe may be my final straw. 

While admitting I was feeling a lot of pain from a minor injury, one of these suspected PDs gave me a heavy sigh on the phone and hung up on me.  A little later, I became aware of something really mean and stupid that another of these suspected PDs did.  Compared to what I've been through in the past, it was minor, but it showcased all of their issues.  It was so unique and weird, that I may end up identifying my family if I described it here.  I also may end up boring you all to tears.  But you can be sure that it was a very petty and embarrassing act of greed, money hoarding, and lack of concern for anyone's feelings. 

After all of the physical abuse, the sneering, the triangulating, the neglect, the theft, the exclusion, and the attempted seductions of my former boyfriends,  which I never cut anyone off for, I told one of them to go f*** herself, sent a short goodbye email to 2 others, and un-friended them on Facebook.  I admit, it doesn't feel good at all and probably was not wise of me.  But, I don't care.  In the past, I was never secure enough to do something so final like this, but now, I just want to move on and "let the chips fall where they land."   

As I write this, I am receiving some very apologetic emails from them.  The confusion (or is it FOG?) is once again rolling in.....

So, here I am, realizing that I still need help throughout all of this.  Maybe if I had done this years ago, I would have been better off.

Thanks for reading.

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome back. I am so sorry things are really tough right now and thankful you have rejoined us here. I can certainly understand reaching a tipping point as you seem to have done. Keep coming back and sharing as you work through your next best steps in these tough relationships.

You know the drill... see ya out there on the boards!