Does this anxiety ever go away?

[jennsc85]

I was in very limited contact with my mother all of last year, only through some emails here and there then saw her at Christmas and haven't seen her since. We've only exchanged maybe 3 emails since then.

Last year she tried to rope me into some health scare she was having by getting my grandfather to tell me that her doctors insisted that I had to help her. I was extremely panicked but nothing ever came of it.

Today my grandfather sent my mother a text that was meant for me. She apparently threatened to come to his assisted living facility and talk to the head person there to find out how often I visit him. She told him that she could monitor his calls and texts. I don't think that's true- he's on his own phone plan.

Anyways... it's obvious that she uses my grandfather as a "flying monkey" for me but just from the mention of her today and thinking that she might be waiting there the next time I visit my grandfather really scares me.

It's like the more time that passes without her being in my life, the more I worry when little things like this pop up. I worry that she's going to just have a major earth shattering tantrum and do something to completely ruin my life. I don't know what, but I feel like she could somehow.

Does that feeling ever go away?

[WomanInterrupted]

Oh Jenn, I feel for you!   

I'm going to answer your question, but I'm going to warn you, you're not going to like the answer.   

For me, the anxiety stopped the day unBPD Didi died, but picked right up again when I saw the state of the house.  UnNPD Ray was living in a hoarded-up death trap, so it was a  different kind of anxiety of, "How fast can I get this stuff out of here and get back to my life?"   

After some initial back-and-forth with their P/A unNPD hoarder friend C, about who was really in charge (ME - the stuff was my Punishment Hoard), I finally gave her Das Boot, did the do, and went back to my life - but the anxiety was still there because *RAY* was still there.   

Even though I had very little to do with him from June of '14 to his fall in late March of '16, which landed him in a memory care unit, and I went NC, the anxiety didn't really go away for about 9 months to a year.

Ray is getting the care he needs, but on some level, I still felt like I had a sign above my head that read, "BAD DAUGHTER!" and everybody could see it.   

I really had to fight like hell - not so much here, but in public.  I felt like everybody could see I was hiding some terrible secret. 

And it really didn't help that my Jeep is a bit long in the tooth, and for a while, every time I went out, something major went wrong, and I was in danger of not getting home - or having to be towed home!

Yeah - really NOT good for the nerves!   

I am MUCH better now - I bounce back far more quickly from triggering events and can laugh them off, and having a cell phone with a cab company's ap on it makes me say, "Do you worst, Jeep!  I'm ARMED!"   

Oh - and I have my Jeep inspected *at JEEP* every year, where they go over the entire vehicle.  My mantra is, "Jeep gave you a clean bill of health, so we're okay."   

So...even after a *definitive* event - this person can get to you no more, for one reason or another (death, incompetence, an overseas move, you volunteering to go to Mars), it can still take a while.

I think though, if it hadn't been for that stupid hoard, after Didi's death, I would have been *fine* - until Ray started acting up.

Okay - since your grandfather is on his own phone plan, I think she's blowing smoke up his ass about monitoring his calls - unless she's his POA, and can get a copy of the bill.

But what good would *that* do her since you're not there when you're calling?   

You could also preemptively call the nursing home, speak to the social worker and ask them to PLEASE not show your mother the visitor's log - she's got mental health issues and wants to use it to stalk  you.

Another thing you can do is be RANDOM AF in your visits to your grandfather.  Have NO set pattern - like the 1st, 10th, 20th, 30th of each month - or every Sunday, or something she can accurately *predict.*

*Avoid* all  times people would usually visit a loved one in a nursing home - holidays, and their birthday.  Go around those times, but not ON those actual days.

Another thing you can do is *always* visit with your DH.  If your mom shows up, your DH has your back.   

If you're afraid your mom is going to be in the room when you call and snatch the phone from him, call *before or after visiting hours.*

See?  An ounce of prevention and all  - hopefully it alleviated some of your anxiety. 

I know it feels like your mom can ruin your life, but I don't actually think she can.  I think that's your Inner Child talking, because she's still scared to death of her - and for good reason!

Right now, as I see it, the WORST thing your mom can do to you is get herself evicted, and stick you with  the remainder of her lease - but I don't think she'll go that far because she needs a place to live *that allows cats* (most landlords don't want to deal with pets) AND you certainly *won't* agree to cosign for a new lease, which leaves her living in her car, with 2 cats.

The cats are her Achilles heel, and if she loves them as much as she can love anyone or anything, she's not going to want to have to give them up, which she'll see as being *abandoned* again. 

She *cannot* force her way into your house - especially  with 2 cats, when you've got a new baby - but she CANNOT  force herself into your home FOR ANY REASON.  PERIOD.  AMEN.   

You can't be held responsible for her.  You can't be MADE to care for her - Social Workers may call and use FOG on you - it's perfectly acceptable to tell them NO, and what part of NO didn't you understand? - before blocking their numbers.   

My personal feeling is the LESS contact you have with her, the better off you'll be.  I think even the limited contact you have *triggers* her into cycles of trying to plot to MAKE you take care of her, in your home, and force unwanted contact when she thinks you'll be vulnerable.

Please always keep that in mind - she's never given up on that plan, and she never will.  And she wants you *vulnerable, at all times.*

I wouldn't have *any* contact with her and communicate only through a third party - like her landlord, or the insurance company, or something along those lines - IF something comes up  that needs attention.

But I would, if I were you, never, EVER directly communicate with her, ever again.   

Your mother is a plotting, scheming, abusive, manipulative, hateful, toxic nightmare.  She lives to see you *suffer* - and is salivating at the thought of the day when that may be possible. 

That's not somebody who is safe to be around, or communicate with - even infrequently.