They are being evicted.

[Sojourner17]

I contemplated starting a new thread but this is really a continuation of this one I think.

I read the texts this morning. How can I think raising 3 children is enough on my plate? When she had 6 or 7 kids she made trips to the city (mom and dad took foster children), had a huge garden, helped dad with the farm, still had time for her parents and mil. She was always there for them. She doesn't understand why I can't fix things all I have to do is make a few phone calls and show some interest and it would be fixed (yeah right!).
They are being evicted from the park they live in bc enF didn't put siding on the shop (calling bull pooey on this one). Apparently dad told the park to fix the water running through their yard and then he would put the siding on and they evicted them instead. (The kicker you guys.... they have to be out by my birthday.... you just can't make this stuff up!)
So then she says if the house doesn't sell by a certain date the park will change the locks and take the house (sounds pretty fishy to me). They are the town gossip and she told dad they may need to move completely.
She doesn't expect DH to like them but I could fix our relationship if I wanted to. They liked DH and were proud (?) of him and found it interesting having someone of a different culture in the family. They don't think he likes them but it's his choice but they aren't ok with not having a relationship with me.
The past few years have been very difficult and my attitude towards them have made life unbearable at times.

I can feel the heat coming into my face just going over it all. Something stinks in Denmark (the park) and there is WAY more to this story that meets the eye.

Let's pick this apart for a moment.... when she had 6 or 7 kids we were ALL in school.... youngest was my middle sister who was probably around 5, I would have been second youngest at 8, the rest were varying ages up to 17 years old. They helped around the farm... we did all the chores, even helped in her big garden.... no one woman show there.
Yeah, my three under 5 are enough to handle thank you very much.
Now on to the grandparents.... they weren't being nasty to their daughter/silk from what I can remember. If it was nasty it was said in private without us kids around. They weren't yelling at their kids, calling them up late at night telling them to get with the program or leaving nasty voicemails (granted there was no such thing then). They weren't getting EVICTED from their homes (my dad has even WORKED for this park for the past 10 years in the summer... that's why I'm calling this out as poo... there is WAY more to this story).  They weren't saying and doing inappropriate things to their grandchildren (from what I remember anyways.... not directly but mom would talk about what they said about the foster kids (my unpdm mom.... I don't recall my other grandparents saying anything at all).
You guys, it's all crap.... all of it. A house of cards, a farce. Smoke and mirrors.

Ok getting evicted sucks. But this is all reaping what you sow as so many of you pointed out in my other post.
Nope I don't want to call right now.... I want to stay FAR away. Nothing I can do anyways. It's not like I can go help them anyways (hello... working husband? Three small children? Who watches them?).  And no I don't want to be making phone calls where all it is is them dumping verbally on me all their stuff while I get worked up about my kids not being able to stay quiet, fight each other with pointy objects (yes.... this happened the other day... resulted in my middle getting me in the thigh with the pointy end of a pencil !) and constantly telling them to stop interrupting. Nope, nada, not doing!

I have these moments of fight in me, moments of self preservation. How do I hold on to that without letting the fight/anger consume me.   That's my greatest fear.... I need to find an outlet for it.

[Psuedonym]

Wow. I know these things are not remotely funny when you're going through them but this should be in book somewhere as an example of NPD behavior. Have you watched Les Carter's videos on Youtube? I can't recommend them enough. He has a very gentle, folksy way of saying 'they ain't gonna change'. Anyway, one of the things he talks about frequently is how NPDs always have the need to superior. So here we have: Step 1) explain how superior I am and expect you to make an effort to be say, half as good as me, 2) acknowledge that you don't like me while stating that I don't care what you feel, 3) blame your husband, 4) blame you, and 5) demand that you fix everything.

The eviction thing is a whole other level. Are you in the U.S? Are they in a trailer park? If so, the park probably sent a letter saying that they were in violation of the rules and had to fix the siding and your dad said 'haha, no' and they said 'haha, you're being evicted.' In most states that's a formal step, but they would have to go court to have your parents actually evicted, and if the said violation was fixed by that time, the court could deny the eviction, and then the park would just be out a bunch of money. In any case, not your monkey, not your circus.

Your m sounds very much like mine in that the word 'no' is a foreign concept to her. Right now she's just cycling through everything in the PD manual: insults, guilt trips, blame, tales of woe. And if you're anything like me, your brain is stuck in fight or flight mode and you feel desperate to fix the situation. You need some time to get away and let your brain calm down and realize that a) this isn't something you broke because its always been broken and b) it's not your job to try to fix it. Anger can be a good thing; it can mean that you're standing up for your boundaries. You are making great progress by standing up for yourself, it just doesn't always feel like that.

I hope you have a great vacation!

[Sojourner17]

Oh man pseudonym, you get it! We are in Canada. I vaguely remember years ago mom saying something about the park rules regarding yard/house upkeep and building deadlines (ie how long people have to build etc). They are in a regional park/campground with seasonal and permanent residences/cabins. It's their own poor planning/taking on too much/lack of boundaries and inability to finish what they start that has led to this.... and yet I'm making it harder for them by keeping my distance?  Bah.

Hubby is angry... he asked me to ask mom where she got the idea he doesn't like them... we both know it's a fruitless question but he really wanted to know so I asked. 

It's the same thing... him not wanting to visit because he deals with enough craziness at work (my words.... not his... she put me on the spot three years ago and I panicked and blurted that line out), us moving so far away, us not letting them stay with us after they drove 12 hours when we could have given them our bed or our boys bed and instead they had to stay in a hotel ten minutes away with RIPPED sheets (emphasis mine). On and on and on (5 texts worth... half an hour after my question).
Yes, I totally set this one up in a way... maybe it was a way of letting her spill it all out. I'm disgusted and annoyed by it all. It's not invoking any sympathy or empathy that's for sure.

I listen to Les Carter a lot. I like his style and the soothing yet straightforward way he talks. He has been so helpful... him and Shannon Thomas book about emotional psychological abuse.

Yeah, and 'no' from anyone is a concept my mom can't grasp.  Only she is allowed to say that/put her foot down/ demand what she wants.

Yeah, no! I have only one life and only one shot at making it count towards a legacy for my kids. The cycle ends with me. I don't want to pass that dysfunction on to my sons and have enough fleas to get rid of (including my own propensity for poor planning, ugh!).

[Sojourner17]

She texted me again saying why don't I call her.
I've been contemplating just texting that now is not a good time and thanks for answering my question.

[WomanInterrupted]

I don't think I'd send that text, Sojourner.

If they're being evicted, *where are they going to LIVE?*   

Oh, they may say it's for a month or so, but will probably never get around to leaving and you'll wind up having them evicted, which takes quite a long time - even if they agreed to pay rent, but wound up squatting, under the "After All I've DONE For You!"  Clause in the PD Handbook.

Or, this could be more over-dramatic horse manure that's easily solved but your parents just HAVE to make mountains out of molehills - you don't need a blow-by-blow of 'oo did what to 'oom.   

I think that one, itty bitty, innocuous text  might start an avalanche of texts and calls that you can't stop, until you block them.

For some reason, they are *desperate* to have you contact them and keep upping the ante.

If something has been staying your hand in contacting them, I'd say that's your gut, and I'd listen to it, because your gut is *smart.*   

It's probably whispering, "Stay in the shark cage, and keep your hands and feet inside!  They are CRAZY!  They WANT something from you!  They are up to no good!  So stay in the shark  cage!"   

At the very worst - they want a place to live.

At the very least - they want a SUPPLY.  Poooooooooooor you!  Oh, that mean old landlord!  Do you want me to call him for you?   

Yes, they do - only to find out the problem is ridiculously small, easily remedied, and they'll get right on it - which will be brought up to you, over and over again as The Time Sojourner Overreacted  And Nearly Got Us Evicted - and We Know Her HUSBAND Was Really Behind It Because He Hates Us!   

UnBPD Didi tried the DH hates her thing on me, too.  She was having a sulk in the car after  she met a couple of rock-solid boundaries and I not only Medium Chilled my way through, but REFUSED to give an inch.  Internally, I was feeling pretty good - but I was wary  because a sulky, faux-weeping Didi  was really a rattlesnake, coiled  and ready to strike again.

Out of the blue, she blurts, "Your DH hates me and I know why!"

Calmly, I said, "Oh, that's interesting.  I'll have to ask him about it  when he gets home." 

She wailed, "You can't say anything!  You can't SAY ANYTHING!"

Just as calmly, I said, "I don't keep secrets from my husband."   

And THAT was the end of that.

And yes, I DID tell him about it.  He'd been on the fence about whether I was right about Didi and her unBPD or whether I was just "mad" at her again (AARRRRRGH!) - but that one fully pulled his head Out of the FOG.   

Your DH said he can't take the crazy - he's right.  OWN IT.  Wear it PROUDLY.  Do NOT let them use his words as a weapon - a weapon, I think, hit a bit  TOO close for comfort.

This is classic PD - divide and conquer.

Be a TEAM, take a break, block numbers, hire a sitter and have a nice Date Night.   

You both need a break from their never-ending dramas. 

Never let them sow the seeds of doubt in a solid relationship  because they think *they OWN you.*

[Sojourner17]

Thanks WI, I didn't send the text, they just kept coming anyways.
The last two were she doesn't understand, they are being evicted from their home (paying mortgage of some sort, it's their property but I guess technically the bank owns it) and all I care to ask about is why they think my DH doesn't like them. If they lose their house they will live their retirement in poverty as everything they had went in to it. She's concerned about what I have on my plate. Three boys isn't too much on a healthy intelligent woman's plate unless there is something seriously wrong. This isn't her fighting this is her trying to have a loving caring relationship. (Paraphrased).

She's flipping all over the place.

Can't get past the irony right now, I've been semi awake for the past hour and a half with a teething baby who has been alternating between sleep/ diaper changes and squirming and whimpering, DH just left to put our middle back to sleep... it's not even 4:30 am. Lol!
They won't come out here to live... they still own another house in my home town that they had been renting out.... plus dad said he hates the mountains when they were out last fall 😎
It's just drama and bluster.  They ARE obviously in over their heads and pushed their luck too far with the regional park (seems to be a pattern) but they have assets they could sell and would have cash in hand they just don't have the organizational skills or whatever to get it done. Would selling those things off solve the problem? No, but it would give them some financial cushioning (and reduce the crap they have in their properties!).
They have to figure that out themselves... heck, they could sell both homes for dirt cheap and move into their camper. 😎 it's not my decision what they do but they are a long shot from being in poverty if they used some creativity and did some hard work. Dad is always saying he does harder physical work at his age than guys half his age... calls my DH a pencil pusher to his face and has boasted/insinuated DH has never done anything hard physically bc he doesn't come from a farming/labour background. 

It's just more of the same song and dance. Only thing is they are in their 70's.  That's where it worries me.  They have very viable options that they have been refusing to look at for a looonnnggg time! I remember years ago suggesting they do a yard/garage sale to get some cash in hand... they had every excuse not to.... so I dropped it.
I'm praying they don't let things deteriorate more but I have no control over that. Oh, and they have my middle sister and bil 15 minutes away who have an extra bedroom in their basement that's free and open as well as a rental apartment that they own that they could make use of if sis and bil chose to let them 😎. (Guys I'm on a roll, it's amazing what a person can come up with for solutions early in the morning!)
They are FAR from destitute in the middle of a Canadian winter. It's spring, the sun is shining, the snow has melted and it's going to be hot until September! 

With all that aside, I had a huge physical reaction to it all last night when I was talking on the phone. I'm not sure what you would call it but I was literally shaking so bad I was having troubles holding the phone and it felt like my voice was being choked off. Almost like stage fright or nervousness but fairly intense.  It was so strong that I mentioned it more than once to my friend. I felt so jittery.

Before writing this I was thinking about trauma bonding and how DH thinks maybe I should just call her and hear her out. He will ultimately leave it for me to decide and will support me either way but I think he's scrambling to try to stop the flow too. I can't call them and listen to what is going on... that's part of the problem and has been for decades. Almost like a game of let's see how much stuff we can unload onto sojourner before she cracks.
If that happened then there WOULD be a serious problem within my FOC.

[moglow]

They're being evicted - correct me if I'm wrong but that's not a quick letter and sign off in court. It's a process, one that takes some time. They've had discussions, no doubt more than one warning before any of the legal part started. I'm guessing they thought they could somehow bluster through it? Well, they did until they couldn't. And ya know what -they're adults! They built this elephant they've been dancing around, now they have to eat it in chunks. Because that's how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

Really, it took a while for them to get to this point and it's their own doing, their responsibility. You know what yours is? Right:  yourself and your family. You can't fix their stuff, you have more than enough of your own.

Complain all they might, you can't fix this for them. Sitting listening to the litany of complaints and derogatory comments, also not helping. You have things to do and so do they - you're just choosing to DO yours while they complain.

I had to cut mine with her text complaints off - blocked her cell phone. It's been ugly and she keeps bringing it up, all the reasons it's wrong, but I got sick of her getting wound up and sending text after text and when I didn't respond she'd call and call. It was just another way to get at me. She didn't want to talk with me, just just wanted a sounding board and total agreement. I told her to pick one - text or phone calls. Either/or. She refused so I chose for her - I could send all her calls to voicemail, couldn't do that with texts and I use my cell at work every day. And ya know what, she doesn't call anyway. Good. Done. I call occasionally but it's more and more spaced out because there's nothing to talk about.

Anyway, options. What can you do in this situation to put at least some of it to bed? Can you set time limits on calls, set a day when you call/return call and ignore the rest if the time?

[Sojourner17]

Oh man moglow, I just reread my post... I wasn't talking on the phone with my mom. I was talking with my friend about the situation when I had the physical reaction.  Sorry for the confusion.
I haven't talked to my mom on the phone since February. I kept it short and mc the whole time when I did.

I told them last fall I didn't want to discuss their financial situation as they were starting to rile things up, which is probably why I didn't know about this eviction until now.

Yep, it's a big elephant alright... one over 30 years in the making probably.

Im formulating in my mind what todo.   I'm thinking of taking WI, my husband's and my best friends advice of no answer being my answer (stay in the shark tank  ). Let her bluster, complain and be contentious all she wants. I haven't heard from them since last evening and as of tomorrow afternoon my FOC and I will be off grid at a nice cabin by a lake for three nights. 

Lol I have a serious emotional hangover right now. Going to go drink some water 

[moglow]

I didn't know if you talk to her at all, was grasping for alternatives to a barrage of texts.  If you can find a way to block or mute texts, maybe try that for a while, put her on a do not disturb of sorts? My brother said he preferred texts so he doesn't have to hear mother's voice/tone, but to me texting is way more invasive when mother gets cranked up. She picks apart every phrase, looking for something to be angry about. You know - someone who wants to be mad will find something no matter what.

[Sojourner17]

moglow, thank you so much. I'm kind of like your brother.  I don't like the barage of texts but I like that I can take the time to formulate and think through what I will say and not get the added tone of voice or feel the pressure to respond right away.

[practical]

What a sad story, I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

You aren't a magician, you cannot pull a rabbit or new house out of your hat, nor would it even be wise to do so as it would allow them to shirk their responsibilities. They are adults, they are considered legally competent, so these are there consequences. As somebody else said, this was a process that brought them there not one decision. There is a pattern not just with regard to this crisis, a pattern they refuse to see and block out by blaming it on others, including you who refuses to magically fix their problems      .

Stay strong and stay away from this mess.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Sojourner,

Les Carter has a great video on how a narcissist will gaslight you. A few are (I wrote em down!) a) they will interpret YOU as being unstable, b) they speak to you with coercion, c) they compare you to a golden one (who can be themselves because, well, narcissism), and d) you are the object of deep judgment.

She is really just throwing a PD fit because you aren't falling in line. I would agree with everybody else who's saying not to call her. PDs love drama and attention, even if its the negative kind, and this call is sure to be full of it. You will achieve nothing, as there is no way to convince her of seeing your point of view, and she is sure to unload a #$@%load of her garbage on you.

That shaking you experienced is very similar to what I experienced in December. My neuropsychologist friend called it a classic trauma response. As a resilient person, you take every traumatic interaction with your mom (even if they are in the form of text messages) and put them behind you because you have responsibilities in your life. But the trauma isn't gone, it piles up and up until you reach the limit of stress you can take. Then it starts to come out. I experienced it as a panic attack in which I found myself not knowing where I was for a minute or two. Your body is telling you that you've had enough. I can tell you that in my case, blocking her number was the beginning of me feeling better. Go on your vacation and try to relax. You need it and deserve it.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you pseudonym and practical for the insight and words to what I "know" deep down but don't always have words for. 
I felt like crap all yesterday but hit a turning point really early this morning as I was listening to some podcasts. The lady I was listening to was talking more about DID and mind control but she has amazing insight and even though it's not quite what I'm dealing with, she hit on a lot I'm going through. I prayed and something shifted in a major way. Yesterday I was barely functioning and this morning I've been more productive than I have been all weekend.
I feel ten pounds lighter and no longer feel so tired and groggy. 
I blocked my mom. Not sure when it will be lifted but I have three days off grid coming up starting tonight. You can believe I'm going to make good use of that time!

I hope you all have a good week and thank you again!

[Duck]

I agree with those who say block. I have my dad blocked. My quality of life went up 100,000x when I finally did it. You don't really need to see any texts because you basically have every sort of mom text memorized. I'm sure if something really big happens like someone dying, your brother or another person will let you know. Anything less than that does not need your involvement. Any emergency should be directed to 911. Meanwhile, try to route all the mom texts straight into the trash. You already know how every possible text will go!

[Duck]

I think I must have posted simultaneously with you. Glad you blocked. Enjoy every second being fully present for your FOC for Memorial Day weekend!