Convinced she never really loved me

[Ariel]

So I have an uNmother. I have been talking about how she had surgery and iwent there for off and on 3 weeks to see her and care for my Alzheimer's dad. So before surgery she tells me she wants my nephew to stay there because he comforts her and I never did. So stupidly we change our schedule and I travel 7 hours before her operation to see her, travel home and then travel another 7 hours a week later to relive my nephew. Doing this because she is old and think she may die in surgery and don't want to leave on bad terms. No apology by her at anytime. Go again for a third week abs another 7 hours of travel each way. Only to be rewarded with rage that I am trying to say she is incompetent and take her money. Now silent treatment. After doing research on narcissist personalities I am convinced she doesn't and never did love me. Only there for her convinenc,to brag to her friends and rage on. Memories of her saying she didn't want me. She has her baby and only had me to be a playmate to my sister. And not once but many times. I really thought that now o did so much she will love me. But no she turned on me so fast and vicious. I was just a pawn who was abused physically and emotionally as a child and emotionally as an adult. My father who I adored I now realize enabled her, somewhat protecting me when he was home but also making me always apologize for her rages up until got Alzheimer's. he validated her. Really messed me up
So after being really woken up I really think she never loved me. Not like a mother.only what I could give her. My dad, I am so mad at him, to let him let her do that and not taking me away from her. It's almost like the pain of a death of a parent but worse I feel at least if you had a loving parent you have those memories. I can think of not one one time that was sincere hugs with love, laighter security. I am so sad

[SunnyMeadow]

I would totally do the same as you did as far as rearranging my schedule around her surgery and the comforting nephew. How sad and rude that your mother chose to treat you that way! I'm sorry to hear it Ariel.

Please keep reading and posting here. It's so helpful to be a part of this group, we understand the pain of growing up this way.

Hugs and understanding...

[Peace Lily]

Ariel, my heart goes out to you  I have also had this shocking realisation since coming Out of the FOG. There is an expectation in society that mother's  always love their children unconditionally. ( even the fake love has conditions) I realised after an exchange of letters between my parents and myself. I had bared my soul in a last ditched attempt and what came back was a total lack of understanding and I saw that they thought I was dishonest, selfish, and had a total lack of empathy. They did not seem to know the real me at all!!! So I asked myself, how can you love a person you don't know? My M doesn't know me because she is only interested in herself and makes zero attempt to relate to me as an adult. I am only loved for what I have achieved not for who I am    I have also been angry at my Dad who never stood up to my N mum. It's gone on for so long i cannot separate them anymore. He believes her distorted lies and backs her all the way. This is a tough realisation Ariel, and you are brave to acknowledge it. Give yourself lots of tlc and allow yourself the space to grieve the mother you never had. And remember, you are not alone.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry, Ariel.   

The hard truth I've come to accept is they *can't* love us.  They hate themselves in all their petty, insecure and vainglorious grandeur, which they hide behind and wear as a mask, and are incapable of truly loving anything or anybody.

We are things, tools and objects to them - to be used, manipulated, broken, discarded, and picked up again, as needed - no questions asked.  We just have to take it, because *we're not actually human.*   

In your mom's world, SHE is the only one allowed to have feelings or needs. Nobody else can  or is allowed, and if they do - well, you've seen what happens when you have feelings or needs.  They're ignored, invalidated, shoved aside, or you're told you're being a  baby,  you're SO immature - aaaaaand back to your mom!  Look at MEEEE!   Ariel made me upset  so somebody needs to reward me - especially if that person is named Ariel!   

This is  a person who *literally* can't think about anybody but themselves, their hopes, dreams, desires, wants  - and we're put to *impossible* expectations and standards that can't be attained - or maintained for long - before we fail and they can laugh at us or complain we *embarrassed them.*

Or we make them angry and irritate them for not living up to their unreasonable expectations.

They don't want children - they want dolls, they can dress and pose.  When we're adults, they want the same - we just all sit and look pretty for photo ops, to be posted on social media, and there isn't an iota of love, trust, closeness or warmth in this "relationship.*

Or our parents issue edicts and proclamations, and live in a world where feelings are facts - have a baby!  Have another baby because I don't like this one!  Your husband is a jerk and you need to divorce him!  I have proof!  I KNOW!  You need to stay away from your (GC) sister because you know how SENSITIVE she is and can't handle your abuse!  Oh, who do you think you're fooling, trying to get a degree at YOUR age  - you'll never finish, nobody will take you seriously and *you won't have enough money to take care of ME.*"  You'd look pretty if you had your teeth whitened.   Do you REALLY think people won't notice those ten extra  pounds under that  tunic?  Oh, look at miss smartypants, with her poetry book, thinking she's SO superior because she's read Walt Whitman!  Read the NEWS, missy!

I won't mention the network, but I think you all know which one I'm referring to.  The one that Facts Overtly Xscape.   

Did you notice how cranky it got in that last paragraph, even though you opened a window?

That's an ageing PD.  PD's thrive on power, fear and pity.  Well, she's getting older, so that power through looks, money and probably influence/intimidation thing is probably waning, so all they have left is fear and pity, which, IME, they'll bounce between with astonishing speed.

And their filters are dwindling.  Your mom used to run the show  and have *some* control over her PD, to appear decent and respectable to others, but now that she's ageing - she's going to let her freak flag FLY and God help you if you're the Scapegoat.

It's the same dynamic you experienced as a child - but you're an adult now, with shattered self-esteem, a life, a FOC, a career, friends, interests, a rich tapestry you've been ripped from, only to be thrown back to your earliest childhood and the hell you went through - but with a mother who can't actually fight you and can only scream, berate, throw things, act like an infant, and say the most HORRIBLE things on her mind.

You are the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who should be caring for her.  Mark my words.   

Or maybe  she *can* hurt you, physically - and has - it's time to bow out and never return, because it's not going to get better. 

This is an angry, bitter, self-centered person who feels ROBBED and CHEATED and life owed them  something - YOU owed them something! - and no matter what you do or how hard you try, it's just never good enough.  It will *never* be good enough - so why bother, when you know  no good deed  goes  without a proverbial kick in the teeth? 

You were thoughtful, kind, and went beyond the call of duty - and she appreciated nothing, and screamed for more.

If I were you - and I once was - I'd drop the rope and never look back. 

Realizing she doesn't love you and never has hurts like hell - but it's a necessary part of the process of  growth and *detachment* - no matter how high you jump,  she's not going to be happy.  She's never going to smile and say, "That's my daughter!  I'm so proud!"

Instead, she's rolling her eyes and saying, "Oh my God, why the hell do you have to jump like that?  Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look!?  And  why the hell can't  you wear different lipstic? You like looking like a 3-dollar hooker?  And your pants/shirt/face/life/DH/SG child.../...and that time you...   - only to wind up to the big finish, of, "You have NEVER once  thought about ME!  I have NO  IDEA What I did to deserve  such a  SELFISH  CHILD!  You've NEVER thought of anybody but yourself!"   

Grieve  the woman you *thought* you had as a mother - do what you need to do.  Have a ceremony, write it out, have a talk with your Inner Child - this is HARD, and it takes as long as it takes. 

I cried off and on for a week, every time the thought hit me that, "UnBPD  Didi doesn't love me!"   

But it's important in accepting the woman you *have* - she doesn't act like a mother, she doesn't like you, she expects obedience  and kow-towing, she demands TOTAL control and has NO F's to G about what comes out of her mouth - the more negative, the better, and if it hurts you,  she'll probably smirk.   

After my tears were shed, I was able to regroup and say, "Okay - I have a severe Waif problem and I need to shake her.  She thinks she's going to live in a hospital bed in our living room, and that's just not going to happen."   

Well - I wasn't that strong at first.  I was shaky and needed support - and got plenty of it here.   

Let yourself *feel* - and mourn - that which you never had and accept the Reality you've been dealt - somebody who thinks she is owed a SLAVE and  you can never get a single thing right, no matter how high you  jump or how hard  you try.

And please allow yourself to think in these terms:  if you went back and read every post you wrote, but instead of the words "mom" or "mother" you wrote, "boyfriend" or "DH" - what would you say to that person?

There's really no difference.  Abuse is abuse - and I'm sorry you're yet another among  us in the Parent Lottery Losers.

It gets better, once you accept - and start  putting boundaries in place, which means putting YOU first. 

It really does.

[Call Me Cordelia]

...what came back was a total lack of understanding and I saw that they thought I was dishonest, selfish, and had a total lack of empathy.

I'm so sorry. I've had that experience more than once with the narcs in my life. I tried so hard to be extra-specially open and honest and caring, and got exactly this reaction every time. It's so painful and confusing. 

Sounds like you're figuring it out already, but they believe this about you because THEY are dishonest, selfish, and have a total lack of empathy. You are right, love is an impossibility. It helped me to understand that no matter how it felt, this inability is not personal. It's universal. They are incapable of loving anyone at all. Even the dynamics behind who ends up the SG or the GC have nothing to do with the person I actually am. It's all to do with their lifelong Sisyphean task of filling the black hole of pain in their own souls. Your mother may try to put that responsibility onto you and her nephew and anyone else she can get her claws on, but it is NOT yours and that black hole cannot be healed by any of those people.

They will all be stretched like a piece of spaghetti and then crushed to a singularity... And the black hole will suck in the next fool to cross the event horizon with exactly the same level of gravity. Evasive maneuvers. 

Got carried away with that analogy, but it works! The fabric of space/time I.e. reality is majorly distorted around a black hole. You've seen it from the inside and have survived. You're going to make it.

[Amadahy]

Hi, Ariel!
This has been the hardest realization for me yet! I came to it rationally (in my head) and thought I had dealt, but then the realization hit me emotionally (in my heart) and I literally became physically ill and had to go to bed for an extended time.

However, as you process your realization, it gets better. It is freeing on some level to know this is not about you, but about a woundedness or illness that has nothing to do with you.  It gets better, I promise.

[Ariel]

Thanks for your support. I knew something was wrong with her, then as you said I knew in my mind she didn't love me but when I felt it in my heart, it was so hurtful, so many years.
She is telling family that I haven't called her in a week and SHE had an operation ( over a month ago)   and it doesn't matter what she said to me it's all about her . And she has done so much for me, meaning she has given me money. Really the only thing that she does. As if that makes up for everything. I felt bad because she was sick and got drawn in again. She is also super mad at my Dad for getting Alzheimer's and not being able to do things for her. Plus she is super embarrassed by him now.No compassion for him. She just calls him names a d says hurtful things to him all day.
Feel like she is going to use her operation for all she can to get everyone to come to her but she is strong she was able to rage very strongly.
Call Me Cordelia, I do think that they, my sister is also an undiagnosed narc, are projecting their feeling of dishonesty, greediness and lack of empathy on me
Thank you.
I wish I would've discovered this earlier in my life.Feels kind of foolish to have to live over 5 decades with this and finally figure it out now

[SunnyMeadow]

I wish I would've discovered this earlier in my life.Feels kind of foolish to have to live over 5 decades with this and finally figure it out now

It took me 5 decades too! Better late than never I guess   

[appaloosa]

Took me five and a half decades. It does still sting, when I stop and think about it, but as someone above said--it is also freeing. I no longer feel any obligations toward my parents. My mother I still feel love for --as well as anger--she was the enabling parent, maybe a covert narc, idk. But toward my UNF, i feel absolutely nothing except pity. I have no plans to see him again in this lifetime. He perfectly illustrates Call Me Cordelia's 'black hole' metaphor  (which I love, btw).

[Ariel]

So how to deal with people saying she is your mother and this under lying guilt to call her.Apaloosa I also feel this anger and love for my enabling father.
He once told me that he wanted to leave my mom,but didn't. I told him to and take me but he didn't, leave.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm really sorry. That invalidation is an awful thing. You don't say who is saying this to you, but there are lots of good medium chill comebacks around the boards... Personally as I get stronger I prefer a little more honesty. And to put the responsibility where it belongs.

"But she's your mother!" "Yes, and that's why needing to protect myself from her abuse is so painful." I'm giving nothing to argue with, as we are actually agreeing. But still firmly speaking my own experience. It's worked for me. As you continue to heal you will find your inner strength. I could not have said that with confidence at first.

And I've also had the experience of begging the enabling parent (in this case my mother) to get a divorce and take me away from uNF physically and verbally abusive dad. I got invalidation six ways to Sunday, and "We'd never survive without him." Only recently I realized that if I had managed to convince her to divorce it would not have solved my problem. My mother is toxic enough in her own right. (I believe an inverted N.)  She chose "respectability" and fear over having her children free from beatings. 'Nuff said.