Responses to Boundary Enforcement

[Lauren17]

All the literature says to expect negative responses and push back when you begin to set and stick to boundaries. But no one gives examples on how to respond. I'd welcome any suggestions or comments.
One example, I calmly tell uBPDh that I'm irritated he didn't do dishes as promised. I receive a sarcastic "well, soooRRY!" And then he goes into sulking mode for a couple of days. Do I comment on the sulking?
Another example, I tell SIL that yes, I'm taking care of DDs emotional response to a recent crisis, but I won't be sharing details with her. She responds it a curt "shouting" way that she only asked because she cares. (This was via text.) Do I ignore nasty response, or politely ask her not to shout?
Examples? I have dozens more, but will stop here. Thank you in advance.   

[Whiteheron]

I usually try my best to ignore. They're looking for a response from you - any kind of response. So don't give one.

He wants to pout and give you the ST? Great, enjoy the silence.
She wants to shout at you via text, no comment.

It really took the wind out of my stbx's sails when I started doing this. Grey rock/MC to the extreme.

[NoVoice357]

Hello Lauren,

I tell SIL that yes, I'm taking care of DDs emotional response to a recent crisis, but I won't be sharing details with her. She responds it a curt "shouting" way that she only asked because she cares. (This was via text.) Do I ignore nasty response, or politely ask her not to shout?

IMO, your relationship with your DD is none of her business. You do not owe her an explanation. People with a Cluster B PD say they 'care', they are 'worried' or 'concerned' about you, they say 'they only wanted to help'. All of them are red flags. They want to continue exerting control over their victims. If they did care, they would not be abusive towards others.

If your boundary is not to share any details about personal matters with her, I would say something like 'This is personal and I do not want to talk about it', in a neutral tone. Do not include any emotional vocabulary, exclamation marks or emojis in your text. If she insists, 'The topic is closed' or something similar and ignore her if she wants you to engage in a circular conversation. All she wants is to exert control and get narcissistic supply from you - your emotional reactions to her provocations.
If you J.A.D.E, she is in control and also gets NS from you. If you do not engage in her game, she will have to find somebody else she can control and get NS from.

Besides, anything you write to her could be taken out of context and be used against you to make you look like the crazy one. If she shouts at you, you do not have to be polite to her. Be neutral to avoid giving her NS. I would tell her 'I find your tone [aggressive/patronising/...] and don't want to be spoken to like that'. If you are on the phone, you can add 'I'm going to end the call now' and (calmly) do it.

As for your uBPDh, I would ignore his Silent Treament. The following article says what to do.
Why Won't He Say What's Wrong? (https://narcsite.com/2018/08/05/why-wont-he-say-whats-wrong-3/).
There are other articles about the ST on HG Tudor's blog  (narcsite.com) including What the Narcissist Thinks: Present Silent Treatment, The Incredible Sulk, etc.
You will find the answers on his blog and books. He has been diagnosed with a Cluster B PD and reveals how they think and perceive others and why they behave differently.

If you communicate your wants and needs in a respectful, neutral tone and abusive PDs get angry, it is their anger, not yours. Do not try to soothe them. It is not our business to take care of it.

[bloomie]

Hi Lauren17 - the toolbox and PD traits info have been helpful to me in developing strategies around disordered behaviors. I found myself having to develop skills to handle the reactions to boundaries in pretty much most of my relationships because I had taught many around me that I had permeable boundaries at best.

Something that I have had to learn is to have internal boundaries as well. Which is me learning how to manage my own emotions and discomfort that came when I began to kindly and calmly develop reasonable boundaries around what I would or would not do and what I would and would not engage in.  Early on in coming Out of the FOG I kind of thought that I would begin to let boundaries and limits around what worked and did not work in relationship with me and the relationship would recalibrate and we would move on in a better balance.

Learning to deal with the push back in emotionally mature and confident ways has been trial and error for me and I am still learning. Most things, I am finding... like a snippy response to your boundary about sharing details of your DD's personal life with an intrusive relative can be handled using social skills and/or by letting it go and not responding - which is in itself an important "statement" of a boundary... or if you want to respond a simple text that rewards the statement of "caring" and redirects right back to honoring your DD's privacy.

The pouting after a simple request about dishwashing... must've worked in the past? Can you suck all of the energy out of the situation by ignoring and going on as if all is perfectly well? Neutral and cool staying busy and unengaged as another tacit type of boundary setting?

A helpful article on Silent Treatment - similar to pouting - is found here: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/the-silent-treatment

Another helpful article and resource on covert manipulation by Dr. George Simon whose work I have found really helpful in gathering strategies to handle PA behaviors is found here: https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/understanding-manipulation-tactics/

Good luck with this. Let us know how you are doing!

[notrightinthehead]

The way I understand boundary setting in your dishes example: He promised to do the dishes. He didn't do it. You point this out to him. He goes into a sulk. What are the consequences for him? What do you do next? Do you do the dishes? Which enforceable consequences could his not doing the dishes have? Would you be able to leave the dishes for a week, a month, or for however long need be until he does them? Which other consequences could you put in place? Not cook?
Telling him that he did not do something he promised to without letting him feel the consequences of his behaviour is just nagging. You could say, "Oh, I see the dishes are still not done. Well, I guess I won't be doing dinner then." When we set boundaries, behaviour we want to change must have consequences and we must be able to implement them.

With the SIL example, as others have said, a boundary could be, "Thanks for caring. Now let's stop talking about it." and then "Please respect my wish. I don't want to talk about it"

[StayWithMe]

When people ask something that you feel is inappropriate or even that you don't know where they are going with their questioning simply ask "why do you ask?"  If they are asking for a good reason, they will not have a problem explaining why.

Enforcing your boundaries will always get you out of your comfort zone.

[athene1399]

I feel their push back on our attempt of boundaries is two things IMO. 1) they hope they can get their way if they push back, that we will give up our stance first if they make us feel bad/irritate us/we realize it's just easier to give in/etc. 2) they don't understand why we have boundaries and it makes them mad. Like they think there must be something wrong with them if we push back to have our own space/fair rules. And if our natural reaction to their temper tantrum is to JADE, that makes everything worse.

Maybe a good response is "I'm sorry you're upset that I pointed out that you forgot the dishes. " Then maybe follow that with something that makes him want to do the dishes, like  "You still have time to get them done before I cook dinner". It has to be some wording where he doesn't feel accused, where you're not pointing out his shortcomings IME (I'm not sure my wording makes sense so I hope you understand what I'm trying to say). And also everyone is different, so you will have to tweak it until it works in your situation. I just feel that if he feels you've back him into a corner he may just come back with "sorry I am not perfect" and will continue to sulk. I've had luck with acknowledging their feelings ("I'm sorry you're upset...", then saying "...but I still need x done so can you please help me?".

[Swarley]

I agree with Whiteheron....it's tempting to react to these things, but almost any response you give provides them with Supply. Don't negotiate your boundaries, just live them. Express your disappointment about the dishwashing and let your feelings stand. Let your SIL know you won't be sharing details and then don't. Let her have her little huff and ignore.

[Lauren17]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I've been ignoring silent treatment and nasty responses.
Thank you for the additional resources. I haven't gotten through all of them yet. 
We've been on vacation for a couple of weeks, so little privacy to read these sites but lots of time to think..,
The narcsite  is a lot to absorb.

[SonofThunder]

In my opinion, boundaries are 100% about control of OUR OWN actions and reactions, as we are not in control of another adult.  Therefore, if we are desiring for another adult to act/react differently or protect ourselves from another adults action/reaction or lack thereof, we must enforce a boundary on ourself.   

Those properly designed boundaries on ourselves may indeed cause an adult to run into our own boundaries and that may/may not result in a desired action/reaction from them. 

For example, if uBPDh continues to neglect dishes, then boundary given to oneself is "going forward, i will hand wash any dish i use and need to use again for myself and will store my dishes in a different place.  I will not wash uBPDh's dishes so they will remain unwashed unless uBPDh washes them himself."   That is 100% a boundary on oneself, presented only to oneself, not stated to uBPDh.   uBPDh may experience a growing pile of dirty dishes and a shrinking stack of clean dishes to use.  When uBPDh asks what is going on, simply respond that you have decided to wash only the dishes you use (that still is not assigning uBPDh any duties).  Any negative feedback just MC and no JADE and continue on with boundary.  Remember the saying about finicky eating dogs "every dog will eventually eat when it gets hungry enough".

With regard to SIL, the boundary to ourself is "I will not discuss my DD with my SIL".  Easy.

SoT.