ILs obsessed with DIL‘s FOO

[candy]

My NPDMIL has a habit of black and white thinking. There is DH, the SG, and GC-BIL. There is me SG-DIL, and BIL's fiancé, favorite soon to be DIL. Within couples there usually is a good and a bad guy. It didn't hit me by surprise that the DIL's families have to be black versus white, too.

Currently NMIL and uNFIL seem to be obsessed with the family of their other DIL, GC-BIL's fiancé (I'll call her SIL from here on). MIL and FIL invite SIL's parents and siblings to every party or gathering they hold and follow them on social media.

MIL has already found a SG among SIL's siblings, as she does in every group, and she's been gossiping about her newly found SG to SIL and her other sibs / mother. Without knowing much about SIL's family my dysfunction radar went off immediately as I heard MIL gossiping and SIL's family just let her. IMO a healthy family would have told MIL to stop, a healthy family would have protected one of their own from the judgement of a stranger. I realize maybe that is my own scapegoated inner child talking here but still I think that would have been the ethical thing to do.

Although I understand why parents of an adult child would be interested in a good relationship with their DIL's family, I
personally think it is too close, too much, too much showing off. MIL and FIL did this with my parents too, but my parents backed off as they lead a reclusive life and were not up to party.

SIL's sibs are in their early twenties whereas my ILs are in their 60s which strikes me as inappropriate concerning age. I wonder if this behavior only occurs intrusive to me?

If I imagine a middle aged guy like FIL following my then twenty year old daughter on social media, I would be very suspicious and keep a close watch. And if my DD was already in her teens or twenties, I would probably tell my DH he couldn't follow the siblings of our kids' partners for the same reasons. But I am not sure if this is just me being introverted or a generational issue. So I am asking you parents of older kids how do you handle social media with PD families?

My siblings have never been of any interest for my ILs which I am really glad about. But SIL's sibs are younger, naive, easy to impress and they obviously feel flattered by the interest my ILs are showing. MIL is gathering information about SIL's sibs, from their best friends names to make up preferences. Please, someone tell me, what is this?

Is there something like scapegoating by proxy? Or playing favorites by proxy?

Or is this just my NPDMIL stocking up on easy to impress audience and narc supply?

[H_Allison]

OH MY GOODNESS- This is EXACTLY what my NMIL did to my family!!!!!!!

My DH only has one other sibling with a developmental disability, so in one sense his adult relationships with his M are more similar to that of an only child- long story short, my FOO is the only ILs that MIL could possibly have so I cant speak to the SG or GC justification for the obsessive interest in them.

Anyway- I also come from a comparatively large family and am the oldest of my siblings. NMIL pried waaaaaaaaayyyyy to much into my family's business, especially after DH and I got engaged. She bought them birthday gifts and attended family events. She connected on all kinds of social media and even requested contact information. At one point, she even went through my personal computer (whole other story) and requested that I print family photos of my family for her to frame in her house.

I think that there were several factors that really facilitated her doing this:
1. I was the first in my family to be going through the 'get to know the ILs' dance prior to the wedding. No one else had any experience to compare with so we just thought she was enthusiastic and supportive of getting to know her DIL.
2. Everyone else was younger than me and, as you mentioned, impressionable and without context. Not one of them batted an eye lash when MIL asked about boyfriends and school and fights with siblings because what could go wrong?
3. MIL has the victim sob story down pat to use as a veil for why she was just to happy to be included in a large, dynamic family. It was also the way that she masked N behavior under the guise of trying to understand or fit in given her own, tragic, saintly, heroic, honorable circumstances 
4. None of us had ever encountered someone as disordered as NMIL- we had no idea what we were dealing with.

I don't completely know what her motivation was, but I can tell you how it came back to bite me in the ass. I think NMIL was sleuthing for any and everything she could use against me. She would provoke unhelpful dynamics, air my dirty laundry, take advantage of familial connections or benefits, plant seeds with DH, and meddle in others' business all to make my relationship with my FOO and DH (as well as DH's relationship with my FOO) as difficult as possible. She was very clearly threatened by my FOO and wanted to collect all the intell she thought she would later use to secure her position in my little FOC's lives.

A couple of examples:
1. MIL asked my youngest S (who was already insecure about her role as the baby of the family and inclusion in the wedding festivities- under age 21) "Does it bother you that your sister had to make you a bridesmaid because other sisters were?" ---Not true at all, but MIL knew just which buttons to push to make my sister question how much she meant to me.
2. Sending my F birthday gifts and addressing via snail mail them 'accidentally' to my M. Also never remembering my M's birthday.
3. Gossiping with her FMs about my family which would result in random people approaching me OR MY FAMILY asking about things I never ever shared with her at public events.
4. MIL creating alternative narratives for DH about why different members of my family did/said/declined/sent something or other to make him believe that my FOO didn't like him.

I don't know what's next for your SIL, but perhaps MIL is threatened or resentful of the significance SIL and SIL's FOO will play in her GC's life moving forward. She could be building up ammunition to later go on the attack to isolate the GC from those who might steal his attention/effort/priorities. Or maybe, just as you mentioned, she is just lumping SIL and her FOO into the GC bucket. Who knows, she might be building up the material she needs to start comparing GC SIL to SG SIL (you). In the end, I think your instincts are spot on and definitely reflective of someone who has refined her skill set to deal with someone like your MIL. Depending on your relationship with SIL, you might be able to give her the permission to maintain some distance between her FOO and ILs. You could be as direct or passive as your relationship permits. It could be just mentioning how you are 'so glad to have such a gracious opportunity to get to know SILs FOO. how uncommon it is to spend so much time together!' ... maybe just planting some seeds that might prompt SIL to evaluate whether MILs requests are 'typical' or not.

My guess is that if she is anything like me, she will come to a screeching realization after it's too late so setting yourself up to support her within the IL dynamics will be the best option. I found this eventually in my DH's cousins who now serve as my confidants and also sounding boards for how to manage MIL. We support each other when we are all gathered together and it makes time with MIL much more bearable. I realize that this will also be influenced by your DH's relationship with BIL, but I would recommend you think of how you can be there to catch SIL from her inevitable fall from MIL's grace. Your life could be made easier if you established her as your ally in this crazy family.

[all4peace]

I don't know what it is, but I agree that it's unsettling.

Both DH's and my parents do this type of thing. Lots of overinvolvement with anyone who's even vaguely connected with our lives, but almost no contact or connection with US. It's baffling, disconcerting. I have found for me the only way to deal with it is to simply look away. I can't control it and I'd drive myself crazy trying to keep track of it, so I just stopped looking at all. If someone starts telling me about either side, I have a quick "Hmmmm, interesting. Nice to hear. So did you hear it's supposed to start raining again tomorrow?" type of response.

Hang in there!