How to save my relationship with my daughter, Nsister keeps driving us apart

[Swirlyonthefringe]

I really need some help. A bit of family history, it's long so feel free to jump to bottom paragraph...
I was raised by a Nmother who divorced my Nfather when I was 6.  My mother immediately married a very abusive man, I was sexually, verbally and physically abused until I cut off all contact when I married at 28.
My Nfather went on to marry 4 more times.  One wife, the mother of my Nsister, was a awful and perhaps a narc.  And his last wife was my Aunt who was incredible abusive and perhaps a narc.  Growing up I was the golden child, my brother was off and on the golden child but my sister who was being raised by her mother 100 miles away was always ignored and then as an adult was the scapegoat when my brother wasn't in that role.  My father always ran hot and cold with my siblings but I was always the favorite.
Until...I married a narcissist when I was 28.  I thought he was amazing!  Just like I thought at the time that my father was amazing!  He gave me the courage to go no contact with my mother and step-father which I realize now might have just been a way to keep me from other relationships.  We had to move every time I made friends with my neighbors and had good support, which was every 3-5 years.  When I finally figured out what was going on we started counseling and my therapist, his therapist and our couples therapist all diagnosed him with NPD. 
When I divorced him my father turned against me!  Said I was a whore just like my mother, how dare I leave a man.  My father, my aunt, my brother and sister then all turned on me but kept a relationship with my then 15 year old daughter and constantly said awful gut wrenching things about me.  It's been 10 years since my divorce.

My father passed last August but my nsister has been doing everything to break my daughter and I apart.  It's gotten so awful!  My depression and anxiety is debilitating to the point of 2 weeks ago I was actually thinking about suicide for the 2nd time in my life. When she found out she grabbed that information and used it against me.   She sent me a looooong text telling me I need help and until I get help she'll have nothing to do with me.  It was obviously written so she could show it to my daughter and show her what a great aunt she is.  She is telling everyone that I'm mentally ill, and that she has done everything she can to help me but that I'm beyond help.
I am back in counseling, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and having more up times than down which is amazing.  But my relationship with my daughter is so strained!  My theory is that I've tried so hard to not interfere in my daughter's life or be manipulative because her father is terrible that way with her.  And I think I distanced myself so much that she doesn't really respect me after all the stuff that my sister and ex, etc are telling her. 
I'm at a loss!  I do see my daughter every couple of weeks or so but I feel like we never really talk.  I'm thinking maybe taking her a therapy appointment with me, we did that when she was in high school and it was fantastic!
You guys, I'm so scared.  I'm feeling alone with no family and I'm desperate.
I'm sorry this is so long and so much info.  I searched for a board like this and I'm hoping someone here can help.
Thank you so much.

[bloomie]

Swirlyonthefringe - First, let me welcome you and apologize that this has moved down the page without a proper response and kind hello.

You are dealing with a lot! I am so thankful you have good in real life support with therapy and CBT and yet, this has to be so distressing with your dear daughter and your Nsister's interference and manipulations.

It is interesting... your thoughts that you may have gone to the extreme to compensate and not be intrusive and controlling like your ex and you are now wondering what messages that may have inadvertently given your daughter. Your thoughts about going to therapy together and working through the layers of your relationship in the presence of a neutral 3rd party seems like a really good one.

In terms of your sister... I am wondering if you can cut off the information highway to her about the private details of your life, therapy, struggles as a first step in shutting down her ability to manipulate that information and divide you and your dd?

We have a technique that may be of help with your sister and it is called Medium Chill, as a way of depriving "oxygen" to the flames of destruction a PD loved one's behaviors bring. More on that is found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

The toolbox and resources at the tabs above are a great jumping in point as well. When I first arrived here, like you, I was just depleted and at my wits end with the tangle of toxic behaviors that were swirling around me. I had to start with the basics, which for me was learning to work with boundaries and build a toolset for handling disordered behaviors with loved ones who were not managing themselves in respectful ways - one in particular that was bent on dividing me from the primary and precious relationships in my life. I know how threatening and rough it can be to face something like this, but even more so I can't imagine how hard it is to see your sister attempting to divide you from your child.

Again, my apologies this went unanswered for a bit and a warm welcome to you!

[all4peace]

Welcome, Swirlyonthefringe! I echo all that Bloomie already said. And I would add that I think your getting help to sort things out for yourself is such a wise first step. And I'm so glad to hear that you have more up days than down--that's wonderful progress!

I have felt the bonds with my children threatened by toxic family members. There's not much in life more visceral than the fear we feel with that. I wonder if it might be wise to invest in more therapy for yourself, getting really stabilized and having a guiding voice (your therapist), before asking your daughter into therapy.  For me, I have found it hard to make the best decisions while feeling primally threatened.  But only you will be able to decide what is best for your situation and your life.

I'm thankful you've found us here. Please know that we offer support and often some suggestions, but only you can sort through it all and decide what really does or doesn't work for you. My best to you!

[Starboard Song]

I do see my daughter every couple of weeks or so but I feel like we never really talk.  I'm thinking maybe taking her a therapy appointment with me, we did that when she was in high school and it was fantastic!

You guys, I'm so scared.  I'm feeling alone with no family and I'm desperate.

You've been given a rough road. I am so very sorry. I'd suggest, if you haven't done this, that you specifically address the relationship between you and your daughter with your therapist. You see her every couple weeks or so. What's good about it? What is bad? She doesn't seem to open up, it sounds like, and maybe that worries you.

I hope your therapist can help you assess this relationship: you may feel less secure than is warranted. And, to whatever degree that insecurity is warranted, it is probably time to talk directly to your daughter, express your anxiety, and let her know she is so important to you. You may want to offer to discuss any questions she has for you: directly addressing the intergenerational dysfunction, and acknowledging that such dysfunction leaves a lot of wounded on the battlefield. She should know that you understand how hard it is to walk in the midst of all that, and that you respect her.

I'm just channeling the feelings I kind of hear in your post, and mixing in what I suspect your daughter may need. Please do give your T a shot at this. And so much good strength to you.

[all4peace]

I hope your therapist can help you assess this relationship: you may feel less secure than is warranted. And, to whatever degree that insecurity is warranted, it is probably time to talk directly to your daughter, express your anxiety, and let her know she is so important to you. You may want to offer to discuss any questions she has for you: directly addressing the intergenerational dysfunction, and acknowledging that such dysfunction leaves a lot of wounded on the battlefield. She should know that you understand how hard it is to walk in the midst of all that, and that you respect her.

I love this. The bond between a parent and child is a very primal one. Children, even adult children, are extremely forgiving when their parents are willing and able to fess up to what needs fessing up to. I hope your therapist could guide you through what your side of the conversation might look like, but I can tell you from experience that kids can be amazingly resilient and forgiving when they see their parents genuinely trying to repair.