what to expect?

[not broken]

It's been almost two decades of emotional and verbal abuse.  In the last year and a half, I have finally started to come Out of the FOG.  He is going to therapy for his anger and his own childhood trauma which he ignored for a long time.  Through the process, I have realized that I have been detaching- which I think was due to his threats of: if you don't do X, that's divorce-able, etc for the last year and a half.  He has now taken over victim status and is doing everything he can to show his changed ways- no more yelling, name calling ,etc.  His controlling ways and manipulation remain, just not as aggressive.

I am realizing quickly that I really have had enough and want to leave.  It is a tangled mess with kids, a company, etc.  I suspect I am fearful of the switch in behavior when I say I want to split.  I know everyone's situation is different, but any thoughts on how it happens when they consider themselves to be the victim now?  He is the one who admits to hurting me, but he's "woke now" and will never treat me unloving again- I just have to give him an inch, a chance to show him....etc. etc. 

I think I am honestly more concerned about him using guilt and intense, intense hoovering and emotional threats rather than anything physical.  I think he is so insanely focused on image to others, that he would never get physical, because he wouldn't be able to lie about that. Although he may freak about it financially, that is his kryptonite. 

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh was never physically abusive but the relationship as good as destroyed me. If you spoke to him though, you would feel so sorry for him. His narrative is that all he ever did, was try his best. He might have made some mistakes along the way - who doesn't? - but he changed his ways. People must just move on.

In your situation is sounds like he has changed his strategy but the effect it has on you is the same. He has moved into the victim role instead of the persecutor, but he still accuses you of doing things wrong, uses guilt, pushes you to do things you don't want to, threatens you with divorce. You feel scared instead of secure in your relationship.

Is there any way you can get a bit of distance from him for a while? Even if just for a few hours per day? This might allow you to think more clearly. Do you have friends who know about what is really going on in your family? Opening up to others might allow you to get some validation. Do you have a support system of friends, family, therapist?  Can you start to put things into place should you decide to leave?  You might need legal advice and start a leaving fund if he is financially abusive. There is much to consider and some people on this forum have made lists. Are you using the tools from the Toolbox when he tries to control or manipulate you? Which ones are working for you?

It might not be in your best interest if you were to threaten him with divorce, after all, he might be serious with his good intentions and you might end up staying with him. At the same time, you could begin to put yourself into a better positon should you eventually decide to leave. 

[Me_Again]

I would suggest that you research top family law firms in your closest big city and consult with an attorney at one of them. Make copies of tax returns, financial papers (bank statements, retirement statements, etc) and store them somewhere out of the house. I would also include birth certificates of you and your children (if they're minors) and passports. Start keeping a divorce journal and color code it so you can quickly find references. For example, use a red highlighter over the date that you wrote about him raging.  That way, if your attorney needs examples of that (if he rages—my uNPDxH did), they will be easily found. 

I agree that you shouldn't threaten him with divorce.

[Whiteheron]

not broken, your situation seems eerily familiar. Just over 20 years with stbx, he was put on medication, went to therapy to deal with childhood/FOO trauma/panic attacks.

He, too, stopped the yelling and the angry outbursts. But the control and manipulation were still there. He kept claiming he'd changed, I just needed to give him a chance. My behavior/reactions towards him didn't change (grey rock, some MC, and I didn't rush to jump in whenever he demanded). I didn't trust him. The kids were thrown off balance, asking me why he was acting "scary nice" to me all of a sudden. 

Then he slowly began to change his narrative. He went from "sorry I acted like my dad" (who was abusive) to "it couldn't have been so bad if you put up with it for the past 20 years."

Also like you, my stbx is also very concerned with his image. I didn't think he would get violent. So far, he hasn't. He's spent most of his time trying to look like FOTY to the court and trying to make me look insane.

[cant turn back]

Not Broken,
You're in good company.  In reading your post here, I went back and looked at your old posts.  So very similar to my situation, though I have just one high school-age daughter, and, I am about two years ahead of you.  I always tend to think my situation falls in the 'not that bad' category when considering  what many others are dealing with, so, when I read something that so closely resembles what I dealt with, it makes a big impression and I feel a sort of connection.. the same is true of the others who have commented on this thread.  (Hi Me Again!!)
There was about 6 months of hoovering-like behavior before I filed for divorce, with my ExH desperately trying to woo me back.  After I filed, EVERYTHING changed.  I was absolutely the enemy and my ExH made no qualms about letting me know how selfish I was, ruining our daughter's life, I must have a boyfriend on the side, and I was to blame for everything because I didn't want to try and repair our relationship (right, after nearly 30 years he thought I didn't give him enough chances).  But, it was like a switch was flipped and I couldn't go back.  I had felt so inauthentic, like I was faking my way through life, a marriage that looked satisfactory on the surface as I forever walked on eggshells and stifled my thoughts and feelings so as to not upset my ExH.  For me, the things that assisted in the final downward spiral, as my walls were going up, were associated with our daughter.. how she too could never do or say the right thing, he was very punitive, just antagonistic and critical, somehow in the background of her life, only chiming in when there was something to complain or argue about.  I grew exhausted of watching her cry on the field at her sport as she could never meet his expectations.  The feeling of, I would never want my daughter to have a marriage like this, yet this is what I'm modeling.  It's powerful stuff. 
After I filed, my ExH became FOTY, and he has not yet stopped, he almost never drops his mask.. only in emails to me, he refuses to speak with me face to face.  After filing, it took me about nine months to forge forward to actually move out, my ExH refused to move out, actually, I think he thought I would not really leave.  I was so SOOO scared in moving forward, every step, every court action.. (getting an attorney, filing for divorce, signing a lease for my condo, actually moving out).  My whole life had been about not poking the bear... divorce is poking the bear to the Nth degree.  My ExH made lots of threats, that I would get no spousal or child support, that our daughter would choose him, lots of scare tactics.  It was certainly a benefit to me that my ExH didn't want to 'waste money' via drawn out court or custody battle.  Via our respective attorneys we were able to make agreements and we never had to actually face a judge... so fortunate.  I think my ExH was afraid of going to court.  As awful as it was living under the same roof after I filed, I refused to leave until custody was stamped and ordered by the court.  One year after I moved out, our divorce was finalized (Dec 2018).  We are 50/50 custody of our daughter.  One week on, one week off.  I do still periodically struggle with "maybe I should have waited until she was done with high school" because the watching her go back and forth with a partner on the other side who has no interest in co-parenting, it's very hard and I am constantly worried that she will eventually choose his house, the house with fewer rules and more fun, the house with the puppy (that they got two weeks before I moved out).
As hard as it is, the peace of knowing that I bravely did what I consider to be the right thing, that feeling is tremendous... living authentically... that he wasn't going to get my whole life, that I could carve out a new path.  And, while our daughter is deep in the throes of being 15, with divorced parents, I feel like I am just playing 'the long game' and that as she grows and matures she will come along and the benefit of this experience will serve her as an adult.  While she is 100% quiet on everything as it relates to our divorce, I see periodic glimpses that she 'gets it', like, my Mother's Day card, in which she wrote she hopes she can grow up and be strong like me.  It's scary as hell.  But, as someone on the other side, it can be done.  There is certainly lots of validation and support here for you.

[Blackbird11]

Not broken - perhaps we are in a similar space right now, because I spent many of the past few days trying to get over my fear and summon the courage to end my marriage. I'm not there yet - but almost. I have been rolling over many scenarios in my head.

I have landed at this: I cannot control him (yes - the 3 C's!). What I can control is how I respond. And I have decided that I will survive this, no matter his response. I have survived thus far. I have seen and heard about people who have survived far worse.

I have realized that he may have purposely created an atmosphere where he thinks there is too much at stake for me to leave. And that not only will I walk on eggshells for him, but I wouldn't dare have the audacity to leave him and face the possible wrath, public humiliation and literally starting from the bottom to rebuild my life. You know how I feel about that right now? [insert expletive here] that.

So my responses are as follows:
- He responds calmly and agrees (great, let's move forward with respect for one another, and keep our child's best interest at the forefront). I will do my best to avoid falling into the hoovering trap.
- He responds with sadness and starts to cry/reason/convince me to change my mind. (im sorry but this decision is final, but I know we will work out the best agreement for our family. We will always be a family, but a different kind of family.) I will move forward with kindness.
- He responds with anger/abuse in any form, verbal or physical, (I call the police and get that restraining order set up promptly - ensuring the safety of myself and my child first).

So he has his pick of how this can go. And I'm ready for him.

I feel empowered and clear headed today, but there have been - and probably will be more - days where I can barely get out of bed because I feel so depressed and scared of the future. It's not easy. It won't be easy or fun to go through a divorce, but I've been reading people's posts on here and listening to podcasts and videos on divorce - and you know what? It passes.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. Stay safe.

[noregrets]

not broken, I seem to have a similar situation, but a little further down the road.  I have been married for 27 years and separated for 3, but we still own businesses together.  We live separate lives, but that allows him to pretend that he has changed because he can maintain the mask as long as we aren't around each other for too long.   I no longer tolerate being yelled at or called names, so his efforts at manipulation and control have become more subtle.   He has filed for divorce twice and then dismissed the filings.  When we are negotiating a settlement or in an active divorce situation, he is verbally and emotionally abusive, and after he dismisses, he claims to love me and wants to reconcile.  It is emotionally exhausting.  But I never file or push the divorce through because I can handle things as they are and don't feel emotionally strong enough to enter into battle again.  It's an awful cycle and I don't know how to get off.  I have my own home which is a place of peace for me and my now grown children to visit, which is a blessing.  All I can say is to give yourself the gift of having a place to be where he is not. After my husband had been gone for a couple of months, and my teenage daughter and I had been alone for awhile, we agreed that he could never move back in because we couldn't give up the peace in the house.    That summer was the hardest time in my life in a lot of ways because he lashed out constantly in anger at the separation, but I would never go back to where we were before.  Best of luck.

[not broken]

After I filed, my ExH became FOTY, and he has not yet stopped, he almost never drops his mask.. only in emails to me,

thank you all for sharing your perspective as well as personal journeys that help so much.  This comment, is spot on, yet he has dropped his mask for my kids to see.  For years, they have similar (although certainly not anywhere near extreme as mine)experiences with him.  They too say it doesn't matter what they say, it's whatever he wants or thinks is true.   It was when they started commenting on things in words that I would use about him that I started to learn what I was living with and in.  He would also only email me because he said communicating with me was like talking to someone who had marbles in her mouth.  I have been floored at what he would actually put in print.  For someone who is so image conscious and hides his aggression, it is bizarre to me that he would allow documentation of the verbal abuse.  Sadly it was only recently that I realized that is what it was, so I guess it isn't that crazy. 

The thing is that he will have a very difficult time initiating a smear campaign on me for many reasons.  This is why I am so cautious about how to proceed.  He knows that the "giving" image of our family is driven by things I have done.  He knows he cannot intimidate me.  He knows I don't care about the money.  He knows that I am sticking to my boundaries now.  He also knows that I have documentation about how horrible he has been. (He knows this because I reference my journal and bring up points from emails, and he recently asked me if I had an archive of all of our emails.  I said no, but referenced my journal instead.)  The fact is that I have emails from the last four years.  They are hateful and definitely embarrassing for me to read now. 

His last resort is my guilt and empathy, and I have been working on that for the last few months in T, but it is really hard for me to watch his complete unraveling.  I can see now that I have been his bandaid for so many things for a really long time- the extension of his arm to get something done.  Now that I have removed myself, the cards are starting to fall. I just need to remember that it is not my fault, nor my responsibility to clean up all of the messes- even if he says it is something I need or should do for our family. 

Thank you, the responses from you all have been so helpful and a shoulder to lean on to continue seeking to be my authentic self.  I realized a few months ago that I cannot be my authentic self and be with him.  If that isn't a reality check.  Always being my authentic self is my goal, for me and also because I am the best mom I can be for my girls when this happens. 

notrightinthehead and Me-Again- I agree 1000% to not threaten him with divorce. I wouldn't do that.  My focus is on me- detachment and preparation.  I have realized I can't fake it anymore, I can't just go along to get through the day or week or whatever. I have such a strong internal reaction of wanting space and not wanting to even engage.  It's the acceptance of an upheaval of my whole life- the one I thought I would have forever.