Time to let fallen GC sibling go?

Started by Pepin, May 21, 2019, 11:03:21 AM

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Pepin

I have been noticing a significant disconnect with one of my siblings and it leaves me feeling "clarified".  I just cannot ignore it anymore.  My other sibling has also noticed similar and we are both tired of it: we are tired of being the ones to reach out; tired of arranging get togethers; tired of sharing parts of our lives and moments that go largely ignored.  We don't share parts of our lives with each other for attention but rather to celebrate our accomplishments, our kids and even our frustrations and tears.

The disconnected sibling is a fallen GC...who fell very hard both emotionally and financially.  Financially, it really was their own doing but they place the blame elsewhere.  Mentally, I get it because my siblings and I have all had a difficult past with NF. 

The other sibling that I have regular contact with now - our relationship wasn't always easy.  But we have worked on it over the years and come to an understanding -- that the way we live our lives is ok even though it is very different than one another.  Growing up with NF, we were constantly compared with each other and even our peers...so it has taken a long time to figure out who we are and what we want.

The fallen GC sibling is very jealous and seems to behave from a place of self pity.  Whoas me.  Yet at the same time, they have been subliminally critical of many choices my other sibling and I have made for ourselves. 

It has been a very long time since the GC sibling has traveled my way.  Generally I travel their direction.  The last time they visited me was 18 years ago.  I used to ask if they would come visit and stay with us and stopped asking after I was told: I would rather not see what I cannot have.   :-[  They clearly don't like it that my FOC is comfortable while their FOC is struggling.  I know that the GC is financially having a hard time and have offered to help...they initially said yes and then changed it to a no...but the financial hardship is a result of their choices.  It comes down to how their money is spent.  I cannot help that.  Rather than take responsibility for their financial choices, they are taking it out on me and our other sibling.

Growing up, NF used money of course as a control.  He was generally a miser but did lavish from time to time.  He drilled it into us that we were well off and better than other families -- which was far from the truth.  Yes, we were comfortable but not what I would consider "wealthy".  NF was deluded in thinking that we were upper echelon.   :rofl:  And maybe he thought that way because obviously he was better off than his siblings. 

I digress...and am coming to the realization that I am tired of having GC sibling on my mind.  I feel manipulated by their lack of being a part of my life -- that I should be doing something to make them feel better when I know it has nothing to do with me.  GC sibling has generally acted from the same place as NF believing that they are better than those around them -- it is exactly that behavior that has gotten the GC sibling into their financial crisis.  It was the same behavior that also prevented NF from growing what he had and also for decimating relationships with anyone that didn't measure up. 

Perhaps this is GC sibling's way of telling me that they don't want to continue being a part of my life.  I am not going to call them out on this.  My other sibling has already retreated and lowered contact with the GC sibling for the most part.  While I am sad to follow suit, I am also kind of relieved.  What has been bothering me for quite some time has become clear.  I just need to let fallen GC sibling go.  Their pain is not my pain to carry.   

TriedTooHard

I get it.  It seems you've already done what you need to, realized what you need to, and now you're giving yourself permission.  A lot of the measures we take to protect ourselves emotionally feel eerily similar to what the uPDs have done to us.  Your uNPDf thrived off of believing others were jealous of him.  Its probably slowed down your understanding of your brother's jealousy issues.  You're all too familiar of how painful a PD's silent treatments and discards feel, and don't want to cause the same pain.   And you have children, so you've probably ruminated a lot about how you'd like to be treated if your adult children ever have a disagreement with you. 

You seem to have a good plan in place - and have already been handling it from a non-PD perspective.  You're not going under cover or off the grid - he knows how to find you if he ever has a change in attitude.