Sheltered for A Long Time by the PD Family

[SomethingElse]

I recently had a difficult conversation about abuse that I had been experiencing with a neighbor.
I thought that the neighbor might have empathy to offer. And they had sympathy to offer, but not much empathy. The PD family members AND parent I had been living with for so many years poisoned all my relationships.

Its hard for me to admit that I was so sheltered for so long. It's frightening when I admit to others that I , for example...just learned to balance my budget in my thirties...or learned how to make good quality friends only recently. My family life was so insane, most of the time when I start to talk about it finally, it still feels surreal. And not just that, but it hurts that I could not become an adult until now. How is it possible that I am the most adult person in my family, and I am just learning to balance my household budget and pay bills for example? Has anyone had this experience where their PD family members all worked together to make them completely disabled in life, just so that the non PD person would stick around and help the PD family members?
It feels so unreal sometimes that I have a difficult time believing the rest of the normal world doesnt work like this?

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Yes. This sounds very familiar. I think for my family there were a couple things at play. 1) If I couldn't take care of myself then I would be dependent on them. This meant that I could never escape and that they always felt superior to me. 2) They have no boundaries, so they need to be constantly "looking after" others. It seems charitable, but it is really toxic. They would give and give and give, but then trash talk me to everyone and tell everyone how pathetic I was for not being able to take care of myself. If I started to become responsible, they would sabotage my efforts so they could keep control and continue to be superior.

I broke free and it cost me dearly, but things are getting better every day.

[KeepONKeepingON]

Hi SomethingElse,

yup there are so many things I have had to teach myself in order to become a functioning adult.

To stand up for myself and to learn to say no - this is ongoing!

Being able to set boundaries.

Being able to recognise people who are not my friend - this taken me a long time to learn...

Personal hygiene - taught myself after being neglected and sneered at by BPD mother for wanting deodorant and a bra at 13.

Cooking - taught myself from cookbooks starting at 11 and cooked for FOO from 12 onwards...

How to have a healthy relationship with food...

What clothes and make up looked good on me...Trinny and Susannah and What not to Wear were my teachers...

Emotional regulation and naming and dealing with my feelings - I have found different counsellors and Mediatioantion: Finding Peace in a Frantic World very helpful.

Budgeting - still working on that...

I am working on trying to help my children to grow into strong and functioning adults. With my FOO, I think my mother wanted me to stay helpless so that she could feel superior to me and have me around to belittle and help her out...

Has anyone had this experience where their PD family members all worked together to make them completely disabled in life, just so that the non PD person would stick around and help the PD family members?
It feels so unreal sometimes that I have a difficult time believing the rest of the normal world doesnt work like this?

..



I hear you!

[lotusblume]

I can definitely relate to this.

I wanted to move out ASAP when I was a teenager, and finally did around age 20 when studying, but when the pressure of 3 jobs, paying for studies, and low self esteem and self sabotage took a toll, instead of being encouraged, I was told to just "come back home".

I quit school and did just that, floated around aimlessly, working in a job I didn't really enjoy for almost a decade, moved back out for 8 months and "came back home" again in my twenties. I ended up staying there and became very enmeshed. Whenever I wanted to look into apartments or buying a house I was told I could stay there as long as I wanted, or that an apartment would be a waste of money, or that the market was bad, etc etc.

I finally moved out at age 30 and it took less than a year for me to start coming Out of the FOG.

I was told I was a bad cook and never taught how, laughed at when I made one (and only one) meal for FOO.

I was told I needed a man to take care of me (and one that could cook).

I was never shown how to take care of finances, other real world adulting essential skills.

My car would be "taken care of" without my asking or approval. Just would wake up and it would be gone for a repar, oil change, etc.

I would have mail hidden from me if it would "upset me" (such as notice of income tax owings which I would later have to pay with interest.)

I was definitely never told how to say no, encouraged to try hard to meet my career goals, establish boundaries, etc. I was a groomed people pleaser and it was my job to take care of FOO and FOO feelings.

Likewise, my friends were either "bad" or "just in a mood about something else. They were either "not my real friends" or toxic friendship behaviours should be let off the hook.

I was never taught about how to say no with men, just encouraged to chase the wrong ones and then later told that they never really liked them anyways.

So many things I can think of now and that I never thought were abnormal before. There are many more things I am not mentioning but all those things set me up to be a doormat that was supposed to take care of them and everyone else but myself, and never survive in the real world on my own.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Lotusblume, that sounds so much like my life. I only started coming Out of the FOG when I decided that is rather be homeless than "just come home." Losing the safety net was terrifying and is still painful, but I'm still glad I did it.