Need help to not be the "fixer"

[Thru the Rain]

We received a letter from my uNFIL yesterday.

I'm not sure how long we've been NC, but it's been at least 10 years.

In the last couple of years, he's sent sad letters to DH seeking to reconnect. No apologies, no ownership of his behavior, no acknowledgment of his role in the estrangement. Just that he wants to re-establish a relationship.

The letter we received yesterday was a little different in tone – different as in worse!

We moved to a new house almost a year ago. Since we are VERY NC, we didn't inform uNFIL of our move or our new address.

I think one or more of uNFIL's letters have been returned, and he tracked down our new address – and hence this recent letter.

•   I won't quote the letter, but the tone is aggrieved and angry.
•   He says he's apologized many times. (Uhhhh nope – not even once!)
•   He says that he's healthy now but eventually he'll die and DH will feel guilty for not reconciling.
•   He notes some "good times". Good times for him – the specific times he references were awful for DH.
•   He gives fairly sarcastic congratulations for our new home. He's always been hyper competitive with DH, and always resented any evidence that DH is living his own life just fine. And at the same time, he would gloat when things didn't go well for DH. I think finding out we've moved to a nice new place has really got uNFIL steamed!

DH has no desire to re-start contact with uNFIL. And I fully support that decision.

DH spent years in T to overcome the damage from his relationship with uNFIL. And he's gotten solid confirmation from both T and our Pastor that the relationship with uNFIL was toxic and abusive. They both encouraged DH to forgive for his own sake, but not to re-start a relationship.

So my problem is that I want to respond to the letter. Not to establish contact, but to set the record straight.

I know in my head that this won't change a thing. I wrote a letter to uNFIL a few years ago describing the problem. This letter was reviewed and approved by DH and his T before I sent it. I also offered in the letter to be a point of contact for uNFIL, and put my email and cell number in the letter.

But uNFIL never acknowledged or responded to my letter. And he never took up my offer to be a point of contact. (At the time, I genuinely thought I could be a bridge to at least VLC for DH with uNFIL.)

But clearly uNFIL doesn't really want to reconcile. He wants things to go back to the way they were, which is just not going to happen.

I feel uncomfortable with unresolved issues, but I know in my head there is nothing I (or anyone) can do to resolve this. uNFIL has a disordered view of the world and he's experiencing the logical consequences of his actions.

The letter is full of Obligation and Guilt aimed at DH, but *I'm* the one feeling it.

So I guess I'm looking for the wise group here on Out of the FOG to confirm that it's OK if I don't respond to the letter, don't try to "fix" the situation, don't try to "make" uNFIL understand.

[illogical]

Hi Thru the Rain,

I think you have to ask yourself, "Why now?"  Why after ten years is he starting this shit again?  I suspect there is an agenda.  There's always an agenda behind what Ns do.   

Maybe his circle of friends/family/acquaintances is dwindling.  He NEEDs your husband for supply,

You might consider writing him a letter that says the following--

1) You and your husband have moved on and are now surrounded by people who genuinely care about you.
2) There is nothing left to your relationship.
3) Please do not attempt to contact you again.

Do not address the guilt-inducing crap in his letter-- the "I'm going to die and you'll be sorry."  Well, big news flash, FIL, we're all going to die.  And you playing The Guilt Card will not work!  But don't say this.

If I felt inclined to address him, that's what I would write.  Or, you might just throw the letter in the trash and decide it's not worth the energy.  If you do write back, it would be for you and DH and you only-- not to start up with FIL again.  A letter might result in a counter from him, in which case you could chuck it in the bin and say you are definitely done.  Like I said, the letter would only be for you to have a voice here, not with any expectations whatsoever that things would change.  And I definitely would consider The Letter a one-shot deal, because otherwise you will likely find yourself in a circular conversation that leads nowhere except to hell. 

[SheKnowsBest]

I understand the desire to fix. I am like that too, but the grace of going no contact with UNMil has very clearly shown me that spouses really should own the contact, or not, with their own foo. If DH doesn't feel the need to respond, then you shouldn't. Even if he did feel the need to respond, the response should be from him alone. Your FIL isn't writing to you, he is writing to your DH. Let yourself off the hook and let DH do as he sees fit. Give yourself grace and don't be blinded by fog.

[Thru the Rain]

illogical and SheKnowsBest - Thank you for your responses and kind words.

Illogical - you're right about the circular conversation being pointless and leading to hell. I really don't want to open that door with uNFIL.

SheKnowsBest - very good point about this really belonging to uNFIL and DH. And it's OK to leave it between them.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Thru the Rain   

One thing I've discovered about people who say, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone!"

You won't.  Ever.  You'll never be sorry they're gone because you have *nothing to be sorry for.*   

I agree with our ever-logical Illogical - if you want to frame a letter, that's exactly how I'd frame it.

But silence speaks volumes too - and that would be my route, because I wouldn't want him to think he's got a toe in the door.

Illogical is right - he IS working an agenda.  He mentioned he's healthy 'for now' - those are some pretty ominous words, and I'd heed them and stay FAR away, because I think he's fishing to find himself a *caregiver.*   

My thought is he may not need one now, but knows he's not getting any younger, so opening a channel of communication is *smart.*  When he does need a caregiver, he probably thinks he'll snap his fingers and your DH will jump up and rise to the task of trying to please that which can *never* be pleased.

If it's not a caregiver, it could be money issues and he expects to be bailed out, or he's driven off *everybody* and he's reaching out to the Scapegoat, hoping for some form of supply, because he's *desperate.*

Whatever the reason, his agenda *does not benefit you and DH an any way, shape or form* - which is why I'd choose to remain silent.   

Silence indicates there is NO way to breech your Fortress of Happiness.  Your defenses are all shored up, your walls are strong, and your mote is full of hungry alligators, so *stay away* and bother us not with your PD rubbish.

[Thru the Rain]

One thing I've discovered about people who say, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone!"

You won't.  Ever.  You'll never be sorry they're gone because you have *nothing to be sorry for.*   

You're right! I don't wish him dead, but I sure won't miss him!

And you really nailed the situation. DH was always the scapegoat. DH's sister was the GC, and has been NC even longer than DH. Everyone has hit the exits on uNFIL, and now he's desperate for supply.

He used to tell a *joke* that DH would be changing his diapers some day. DH always laughed along, but I never found that to be funny at all.

I'm certain he's thinking he needs to repair this relationship before he needs his diaper-changer. Ewwww! 

[Penny Lane]

So I guess I'm looking for the wise group here on Out of the FOG to confirm that it's OK if I don't respond to the letter, don't try to "fix" the situation, don't try to "make" uNFIL understand.

I would argue that not only is it OK, it's better. You can't fix the situation, and uNFIL will never understand. You've given him an option for contact. Anything else undermines the boundaries you've worked so hard to establish.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Thru the Rain

They don't change.  His letter states it again, the guilt trip.

Quote:
One thing I've discovered about people who say, "You'll be sorry when I'm gone!"

You won't.  Ever.  You'll never be sorry they're gone because you have *nothing to be sorry for.*   

[WomanInterrupted]

That "joke" about your DH changing his diapers was NO joke, IME.   He *told* you that he expects your DH to be his Old Age Golden Parachute plan, and even though you've been NC for a very long time, in FIL's mind, that *still hasn't changed.*

PDs are notoriously rigid in their thinking, and once they make up their minds on how something is going to go, nothing will disabuse them of the idea - he wants what he wants, and that's what he's going to GET, DAMMIT. 

Over the course of my life, I heard various things from unBPD Didi about people not having kids, or their kids moved far away, which would always be followed with, "But who will take care of them when they're old!?"   

She even directed it AT me, when she figured out we were serious about not having kids - who was going to take care of us when we're old?

I said, "The state..." - and she made a face like a cat's butthole.   

She'd often laud people for moving in their parents and putting a hospital bed in their living rooms - and could NOT sing enough praises of my cousin, who moved her cancer-ridden mother in and built an entire *room* for her.  (My cousin is a carpenter and has that ability, and had a great relationship with my aunt, who was a really nice woman.)

I didn't realize at the time, and only figured out later that *Didi expected the same treatment.* 

Actually, BOTH Didi and unNPD Ray did - the same people who'd moved 150 miles away from their hometown to *get out of caregiving responsibilities by being "too far away to help."* 

But they'd throw money at the problem - as long as they could do it from a distance and *complain endlessly* about how their siblings were dropping the ball when it came to dear old mom or dad, nit-pick like crazy and armchair quarterback about everything they'd do differently, if only they weren't so FAR away!

It was a 3-hour car ride, and they acted like they'd be taking a 5-year flight to Mars. 

My idea was to give Didi and Ray the *exact* same level of care they gave their own parents  - and I put up *very* firm boundaries, which Didi tried to trample, but I held firm - NO, I can't visit for yet another pointless trip to the hospital, NO, I can't help you, NO - I am very busy.   

I lowered contact significantly, Didi kept wailing  she had caaaaaaaaaancer, thinking *that* would motivate me - nope.  See a *doctor* and leave me out of it. 

Didi was the Waif Who Cried Cancer, so many times that when she actually *did* find out she had terminal lung cancer, I didn't believe her!

And she never stopped thinking she was going to get that hospital bed in our living room, where she could slowly drive me insane.   

Over the Christmas holiday, she called to waif at me some more, and to make conversation, I stupidly mentioned we were painting the living room.

She weakly waifed, "You don't have to do all that for meeeee...." 

I said, "We're not.  We're doing it for ourselves." 

She then waifed, "Where are you going to put your furniture?" 

I said, "Right back where it belongs, when the paint is dry." 

The sad little waif then had enough strength to slam the phone down in my ear.   

No matter how little contact I had with her, *nothing* was going to shake that idea of hers - until she annoyed the folks at our local ER one too many times and they sent her to a Hospice facility via ambulance, so she wouldn't come back!   

I think your FIL's true motive is to make sure his diaper changer *knows* the plan hasn't changed - I'd maintain radio silence, at all costs.  You do *not* want to encourage this person.   

I'd encourage you and DH to come up with what you're going to say, in the event he starts enlisting FMM's to carp at you about your "obligations" and his declining health - such as saying, "That doesn't work for us.  Goodbye." - and blocking numbers like crazy. 

Or, "It's his responsibility to arrange care for himself.  If he can't do that, he needs to move into assisted living.  Goodbye." - and BLOCK. 

Once you figure out what Medium Chill phrases to use, and what you're going to do, you can safely tuck it away, in the back of your minds, knowing you've got a *plan* that will work, and keep you from becoming involved, against your wills.     

[TriedTooHard]

If you and DH have any lingering doubts about "what comes around goes around" regarding not changing a parent's diapers, Woman Interrupted raises an excellent point.   Who will take care of us when we're elderly?  If needed, the state, and before it gets to that point, since we're not disordered, our lives will be arranged so that the transitions will pose minimal hassles to our loved ones.

And if you have kids and are worried about them watching and learning, it took a lot of therapy for me to realize its best to spend our resources in the present to raise them to be decent, balanced adults, who won't mind being around us every now and then.