I think I'm a recovering gaslighter

[athene1399]

My Out of the FOG journey has been incredible. Even before coming here, I realized that I was acting like a crazy person and needed to change a lot of behaviors. That was about 7 years ago. I started monitoring my thoughts and analyzing if they are too influenced by emotion. I either feel no emotion or too much. There's really no middle ground. I've also started realizing I have a lot of BPDish thoughts.

At any rate, I just realized a few weeks ago that I gaslight people over the dumbest thing. For example, a song will come on the radio and I'll say "I hate this song. It is so stupid." then my SO will note that yesterday, I said I loved the same song. Since I don't remember saying that, I would get mad and tell him I never said that. But now that I think about it, I'm like holy crap. Am I a gaslighter? I started feeling really guilty about it, but came up with a plan. Now I mentally acknowledge my emotions, the feeling of anger because I can't recall saying something and then frustration and they self-hatred. Then I respond with "I was in a different mood yesterday so liked that song then, but hate it now." My SO accepts this as a reasonable answer, and I immediately feel better about it.

It's just over something so stupid I can't believe it. I just initially felt terrible because I've been gaslighted and it really sucks. You feel crazy. So I feel terrible that I've done it to people in the past. But at least I know now to pause and think instead of just reacting. I just wanted to share what helps me in case anyone else thinks they may have been doing this. I just can't believe how unconscious it was. It wasn't like I wanted to make the other person feel dumb or crazy. It was me reacting to feeling dumb or crazy myself. I guess this is just another step on my journey. I'm really glad I can get this off my chest.

[SmartyCat]

Me too, in a way that has sometimes puzzled me later: "he/she meant well".

Someone will say or do something appalling, and my past reflex was to dismiss it quickly with "oh, I'm sure they didn't mean it in a bad way".

A few months ago my mother told me a story about when she was a new mother, and my dad's aunt came to visit and see my brand new baby brother, the firstborn. Elderly great-aunt (whom I never met, but sounds like an insufferable old bat) kept going on about how my dad had been a much better-looking baby than my brother was, which as you can imagine hadn't gone over well with my mom. Anyway, Mom wrapped up her story with "she meant well, of course". 

So, any time I'm tempted to say "he/she meant well", I take a quick mental inventory before actually saying the words. Do people with good intentions generally behave this way? Or am I excusing bad behavior and gaslighting because I've been well-trained to do so?

[Boundary Bouncer]

I appreciate your post.  I think the response, "oh, I'm sure she or she meant well," is also "meant well," but in any case it is avoidance of feelings.

If I am the one tempted to say "I'm sure he or she meant well,"  it means I don't want to feel my own emotions in relation to whatever topic the original speaker brought up. 

If someone says it to me when I have shared my angst or confusion about an interaction with someone else, I simply feel dismissed, not heard, even judged for sharing my frustration. 

I hadn't thought of this as gas-lighting earlier, but I do now.  It's meant to cause us to doubt the validity of our own emotional experience.

[athene1399]

That is a great point. The "he/she meant well" is almost like us excusing the bad behavior and invalidating someone else's feelings if he/she was hurt by what was said. I do also have a tendency to make excuses for others, like "maybe they were having a bad day." In reality, having a bad day doesn't give you a free pass to be mean to others. Smarty Cat, I really like your suggestion of the mental check to see if we're excusing bad behavior because we've been trained to.