Invited over and then made to feel unwelcome

[Aingeal]

This is going to be a strange post.... I'm not even sure where to begin  or if my imagination is just getting the best of me as I come Out of the FOG and see narcs everywhere. 

My GC brother and I always got along - I think.  He's married with two children and lives close by.  NPDm dotes on him and babysits for him regularly.  GC bro and I were triangulated right before his wedding (5 years ago) by NPDmomster over the family home.  NPDm told him and my other sibling that the house was going to me (One of the reasons that I moved back home was because of this false promise of inheritance instead of staying put in an apartment.... UGG!!).  she told him weeks before his wedding (THAT was a FUN time - with both my BRO's and other FOO giving me daggers every time they looked in my direction..... I left wedding by 9pm .... it started at 7pm.... on New Year's Eve..... yes, it was that bad.  Thanks Mom   
).

I quickly let both siblings know that the house would be left to me but it would be split equally with them ( to avoid probate I was told).  I had no intention of ever screwing them out of an inheritance.  My late father wanted the house to be left to all of his children.

Okay - the drama should be over now.  and NPDmother changed her mind anyway.  No one inherits the house.  NPDmom has grand ideas of selling it to sibs or on market but I'm out - not interested.

Soooo ..... GC bro still has a hair across his rear end about something.  He invites me over (text) for some holidays now and then or kids b'day (not every nephew b'day) and then..... stops talking when I get there.  Like giving one word answers when he usually talks non stop.... to the wall if no one is around.  His wife has been giving me the hairy eyeball since the wedding (NPDm triagulation right before but now I don't know why the hairy eyeball)

I just don't feel welcome - they don't have conversations with me during these invites (except to NPDm or other guest) and seriously - I'm done trying.  I don't go places I'm not welcome at.  I just received an invite to Nephew's birthday party.  GC bro sent a screenshot of the invitation (of a SIL evite but only NPDm is allowed to have SIL cell number)  By JUST received.... I mean Sunday night for this Saturday - Memorial Day weekend.....  oh, and ummmm ...... My nephew's birthday is in JUNE.... 

Okay, my nephew's birthday is in early June but this still strikes me as wierd (most people have plans to be away this weekend and it's a last minute invite....

Or am I just overthinking??  I really don't want to go - and something doesn't seem quite right....


Sorry this is so long  :-(  Thank you for reading - it's a bit of a ramble.

[Thru the Rain]

I had (past tense) a friend who would invite DH and I to parties.

We would turn up at the specified time, only to find out the party had already been going on for hours. The food was mostly gone, everyone was already well into drinking.

We felt like an afterthought, like we were crashing the party instead of invited.

Eventually we just stopped accepting invitations from this friend.

I think you're strategy of not accepting last minute invitations from this brother is a good one.

[TriedTooHard]

This is not a strange post at all for someone in a uPD family. 

All of what you describe are classic passive aggressive behaviors from the PD user manual, and also from people that can't break loose from the PD, and have fleas.  I hung around for too long hoping I wouldn't make a mistake in figuring out who wasn't as bad as the PD and would eventually "get it."  I agree with you not to waste your time on anymore of this nonsense. 

I have no issues with non-disordered people who have no plans and want to brainstorm with me about last minute ideas.  Or have a hard time picking a date that is convenient for everyone.  Or feel their kids are getting older and want to down play the birthday parties. 

But that is all different than what you're going through, and what the previous poster described.  I have been through it myself and it is very painful.   

Over coming triangulation requires all parties to be on board.  The first person who tries is often treated like a rebel.  Sometimes it takes someone to drop out completely before they get the hint.  If they never get the hint, you're still better off in the long run.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

you are being jerked around...played with. 

[Aingeal]

Thanks Thru the Rain

That's it exactly.  I couldn't really understand why he bothered to invite me in the first place.  I've also shown up at his parties feeling like I had the time wrong because there were people there who just finished eating and the food trays had been nibbled at ... for a while. 

My oldest brother was known to stagger party times or change dates last minute quite often because he was afraid of NPDm's antics (he threw two graduation parties, the first for my niece with her friends, he told us that party was cancelled and rescheduled (it wasn't) - the second graduation party for that niece he invited FOO and extended FOO so NPDmom didn't "act up"     and embarrass her granddaughter at 1st party in front of her friends. 

Unfortunately NPDm has done that in the past because when NPDm isn't the center of attention she goes out of her way to BECOME the center of attention.  Yes, even at another person's  party .... but I don't think that's the case with GC.   I think these may be "UNvitations"

Maybe sends them with such short notice so I can't attend meanwhile he can say to FOO that I was invited..... 

TriedTooHard - thank you too 
I didn't quite put it all together that this is out of the PD handbook.  It's definitely passive aggressive.  I just couldn't put my finger on it.  You know.... I'm invited.... so they must want me there (if just for "family" event) I kind of FOGged.  I felt so off balance by these invites.


I hung around for too long hoping I wouldn't make a mistake in figuring out who wasn't as bad as the PD and would eventually "get it."



I feel like I've been doing the same.  I guess it's time to cut my FOO losses.  It just isn't worth so much emotional pain 

You're both right - I have to let this GC brother and his nonsense go. 

Thanks again 

[Aingeal]

Thanks Blueheart - it's hard to see thru the FOG
I am being played :-(  I'm not feeling the guilt anymore.  Like they say - Family isn't always related blood and......
(This one stolen from Kris Godinez youtube)

If you were not related to these people would you have anything to do with them? ... If the answer is NO..... Then act accordingly .....

I think I will act accordingly with GC brother.....

[bunnie]

My Nmother and Nsis/Nbil - treat people this way.  I'll give two examples.

Nmother invited "everyone" to spa for some treatments.  On the day in question, I was unable to reach her, so I called my sil who informed me that everyone was at the spa.  My mother got on the phone and said, "Hey bunnie, are you coming?"  I said, "of course, I didn't know you guys were there already."  When I got to the spa, no one spoke to me, and Nmom came up to me and said have a seat and get started.  When I got settled in, I looked around and they'd all left! Nmom had paid for all of their services and I had to pay for myself!

Nsis/Nbil invited me and husband out to dinner for our bday.  When we got to the restaurant, they carried on minimal conversation (just one word answers, like your brother).  They paid for our dinner and left with major attitudes.  That was the beginning of a year-long infantile rage and silent treatment by them.  They are in no position to pull such things, so we waited them out ...

This is very painful and hurtful behavior.  But it is best that you put a stop to it by not making yourself available for the abuse.  If they ask why you don't come around, tell them that until they learn how to use proper manners and treat you with respect, you won't be around.  Be prepared to stand your ground and walk away.  If they change, great! If not, you're better off without them, seriously.

[all4peace]

Yes, we dealt with this on both sides of the family once we started setting boundaries. It is painful, confusing and hard to handle. What we ended up doing is cutting our contact way back. At the time it felt unfair because we were trying to heal relationships, and being "invited" but treated rather badly. It felt like a bait and switch and like we'd be blamed for cutting back on contact. Still, it brought us tremendous peace and healing to do so. With one side of the family, after years of us being nearly NC the invitations have finally started up again. Now the invites are clear, give more than a few hrs notice, and we are treated politely while in their presence. It's still very shallow and uncomfortable, but at least we're treated as humans.

At some point I think we have to start making the choices that allow us to feel sane and preserve some dignity. My best to you! It's especially hard when it involves innocent children.

[nanotech]

"At some point I think we have to start making the choices that allow us to feel sane and preserve some dignity. My best to you! It's especially hard when it involves innocent children."
[/quote] from All4Peace

Well said.

Yes, dignity isn't much spoken about, but you are spot on.  It's nurtured through genuine and mutual respect. Two ways, not one. In the PD family, it's closely linked to status and position .
  PDs engage us ( hoovering) in order to disrespect, discard and so invalidate us.

[Aingeal]

Bunnie - I'm so sorry you dealt with that.  My NPDm is always doing things like that to me.  She rented a car to visit older bro for a party (she doesn't put miles on her car and won't borrow mine even though I offer - NPDm must be the driver too).  NPDm nonstop complained about driving soooo far (about an hour away) and she can't stay over because they never seem to have any extra room there, always have someone staying over already (on purpose).   She kept asking me to go with her so I finally caved and said yes - I'd go (wouldn't want an old woman driving that distance and driving back in the dark (it was November - dark at 5pm)

NPDm said, "great!! you can pay half the car rental and put it on your credit card!! I'll pay you back my half of the rental $$  ........

I'm such a sucker.   It hurts that my own mother did this to me.   I'm sorry about the spa - that was a sh!!tty thing to do to you.   and for what?? I'll never fully understand this PD, ever.

Your Nsis and Nbil sound like they did exactly what my GCbro and SIL do or did everytime I visited.  I've had enough.  I don't understand why invite someone in the first place if you're going to be rude to them....... or maybe that was the whole idea.  sorry you went through that also

All4peace
it really is sad when young innocent children are involved.  I'd love to be a part of my nephew's life but GCbro and SIL are so toxic and yes, you make a great point of preserving one's dignity.  It's as if they enjoy seeing how far they can push you and maybe there's some PD power trip over treating someone like cr@p.   I've gone NC on the invitations for now.....  My little nephew and niece were the only thing keeping me in contact with GC and SIL

Nanotech you make a good point

"PDs engage us ( hoovering) in order to disrespect, discard and so invalidate us. "



That's exactly what they do.  It's like a game to GC but I'm now NC with him.  Dealing with GCbro and SIL takes a lot out of me emotionally.   They're very hard to deal with so I'm taking a break from them - maybe permanently.

I didn't bother to go to that party, I miss the little guy and would have loved to spoil my nephew a bit (that's what aunties do) but I just can't put myself out there anymore - only to rejected and disrespected yet again.  I won't do it.  NC seems the only choice.  and I have a weird sense of relief washing over me as I type that......

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh yeah, one more "been there!" Got invited to sis and BIL's apartment for a holiday. Show up to find BIL already well into an hours-long board game with friends we didn't know would be there, food half gone, so we're left entertaining our kids on our own while BIL barely even greets us. Then they whine it's not fair we insist on having all the holidays at our house.

My life is so much better now that I don't bother with people like that anymore.