BF turns everything I say around - am I going mad here??

[Nancy26]

Am I going mad?? This week I've distanced myself much more than usual from my BF of almost two years, because I've been feeling mentally exhausted and drained: never knowing what mood he's going to be in, whether something I say might trigger a mood swing in him, being unable to talk to him in a relaxed/natural way because I mentally filter my choice of words.

Last night I wanted us to have a 'proper' conversation but I feel that most things I said were perceived by him as criticism - and I was SO careful not to do that. It's so exasperating.

I feel I want to record our conversations so I can play them back to someone else so I can ask 'this is not normal is it?'

I am beginning to feel so wary of him. I feel so sad because I genuinely thought he was The One. I just feel he is pushing me away and turning things around all the time. He said last night that I make a big issue out of things and analyse everything too much, but I am just trying to understand him and help our relationship.

I asked him 'what have you heard me say to you this evening?' and he said 'well you're just basically been having a go at me aren't you' - it just made me want to shake him and scream 'I am trying to help you, you ungrateful ****!!'

When we went to bed, I noticed he'd put all my things in his bathroom together in one place, as if they were ready for me to take. I felt this was a punishment for me not driving over to see him every night this week. He did this with my things in his bedroom a few weeks ago and I told him it really upset me. So I said 'omg you've moved my stuff in the bathroom?' and I did start crying because I felt so hurt and we'd had a pretty tough evening as it was. He just laughed and didn't make any attempt to make me feel better. When we woke up this morning he said 'have you stopped being stupid now?'

Is he really likely to change? Can I really help him? Why do I want to? Why am I being so kind? Am I just too sensitive? Do I really over analyse everything? I'm unhappy and tired and i don't want to feel like this, but maybe this is just me? Have I caused this? I am so confused. I've genuinely never known anyone in my life this complex before. 

[livingthedream]

Hi Nancy26, it seems a bit similar to my story at the beginning, not saying it will be the same outcome, but it sounds a bit as if he is trying to push your buttons and see how far he can go without you leaving him. If you feel like being on guard all the time, not being able to take your own decision as wether to see him or not, talk to him about normal stuff without it being turned against you, etc... this is a big red flag and might end up in him starting to push your buttons further.
Start reading the toolbox and set firm boundaries. I didn't do it at the beginning and had to separate myself a week ago from what I realized was a very toxic relationship.
Take good care of yourself, and remember, you are the one who needs to take care of yourself first and be happy, it's NOT your duty to make somebody else happy.

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

I'm sorry about the situation you've found yourself in. No, you're certainly not going mad. He seems to be very patronizing towards you and belittling you. If he claims his behavior is just a joke and tells you to lighten up, don't believe it nor fall for it. Your self esteem shouldn't have to take a blow for his amusement.

If you read up on the information in the toolbox link, you'll learn about the three C's. You cannot cure him or get him to change his behavior. Only he can do that, but this is very unlikely. You may want to help him if you have a compassionate, giving nature, but this is sure to be a fruitless endeavor.   

It's important to realize you did not cause this. You'll never be able to control him or make him see the error in his ways or thinking. It might be time to reevaluate what you want out of the relationship and whether he is giving you what you need. The signs are there for you to see, so it might be worthwhile cutting your losses and focusing on a healthier you.

[Nancy26]

Thank you both for your supportive replies; it means so much to feel heard here. I have felt unable to express my feelings for fear of triggering a reaction. In fact I am beginning to realise I have been behaving in a way which has begun to feel 'normal', but in reality it is far from normal. I'm reading a book on Boundaries by Adelyn Birch which is (I feel ashamed to admit) a revelation...I'm not sure I've ever had boundaries in place. I've also ordered another book called Stop Caretaking which someone else mentioned on this forum.

I've been doing so much reading/researching on this subject in the past few weeks. My father was very dominant and controlling during my childhood/teenage years and my needs/feelings were never considered. I left home as soon as I could at 18. Unfortunately this was to live with someone whom I later married and he turned out to be possessive, controlling and prone to periods of depression, which I felt was my fault/responsibility. For years I was convinced if I was a 'better' wife, he'd have been happier. We had an awful, acrimonious divorce 13 years ago which I am undoubtedly still scarred by.

I don't know what to do about my current relationship. I realise I definitely have a tendancy to be a 'Caretaker', to fix him and help him - although now I am learning he is the only one who can really put the work in and help himself.  What I do know is that if this relationship ends... (note to self: I am not comfortable writing 'if I end this relationship') then I am definitely going to take some time out for myself and find out what I want. That is quite a bewildering and alarming thought for me.

[notrightinthehead]

You are doing the right thing. Learn as much as you can from these books. Start implementing the tools from the TOOLBOX. Start protecting yourself and accept that you cannot change your SO (that was almost impossible for me) and you have no control over your SO's behaviour.
It sounds like you are not living together which will allow you to find some time for yourself. Maybe you have people in your life who make you feel welcome and liked? People in whose company you can feel at ease and be yourself? For me, just having coffee with a friend occasionally made me feel acceptable and valuable for a little while.

[Hikercymru]

Hello,
He sounds like my ex ubpd boyfriend.
Testing you to see how far you can go.
I stayed with him for nearly three years, much to the detriment of my mental health....
I felt emotionally bonded, and looking back, I dont know why. Why did I feel the absolute need to be there for him all the time? Why did I make all the effort when he was hot and cold?
Why did he become so important? It was manipulation. Like a previous poster said, setting early boundaries would have been the answer. And the relationship probably would have never developped.
Like you, I thought he was the one.
I ignored several red flags and allowed myself to deeply fall in love. The red flags were: Heavy drinking, future faking, his relationship history, and after a wonderful excitjng honeymoon period then came the mood swings...
I wish I could have left him sooner. Like you I had my own place, so when I was ready to leave, I just needed to kick him out....
It sounds as if you stay at his place more, so you could start by visiting him less?
Good luck

[2_exhausted]

I am sorry you are going through this....it is not you, it is him...read through the forum posts..
The answer as to "why"? , I wish I knew.

My uNPDbf had a bunch of red flags, and I ignored them...was I desperate? Was I insecure? Did my own mental health & being raised by a PD have anything todo with it? Probably.

UNPD has done so much to me. And I am a very kind person, I have helped him rehab 2 houses, helped him with his S, etc.....

He has called me Eff face....what does that even mean? He rages and screams the eff word at me, he has financially tried to take advantage of me, he has left me fall down a flight if stairs landing on marble, he has done so many cruel things...but it is all my fault.

I do not live with him... I did foraboout 2 years for my job, but came home whenever I had off.

So really, all I have to do is go no contact. Why do I not? I do not know. I have stepped away....not seeing him on weekends. I work too hard to be stressed during the weekends. Our conversations are circular.

I wish you peace.