Question about boundaries

[Buffythevampireslayer]

Hi everyone. I have been on/off lurking for the past 4 years. I first came here after my uPDMpassed away and all the conflicting emotions I had regarding that since I had been on/off NC with her for the past 10 years. I had found a wonderful therapist, who unfortunately passed away suddenly a couple of years ago. Since then I've not started up again with another. I was wrapping up the mother issues with my therapist when I was starting to discover that I believe my husband is also uPD. Here's the question I have today. I found out recently my husband had been reading my journals. I am furious over this. I wish I could leave but right this minute I can't. I have nowhere to go. Anyways, in my journals, around 95% of what I had written was me venting about his behavior over the last 10 years. Unfortunately, I also wrote about a fantasy I had about someone I see at a hobby I participate in. Nothing ever happened! Just in my head. But, of course, husband is trying to use this against me. Never mind the 95% of his documented bad behavior. He wants to continually bring up the fact that I wrote about this other person. It's so awkward! How do I establish boundaries about this until I can get myself out of this relationship?  Please help. I feel so violated, distrustful, humiliated and even guilty. P.S. these journals were NOT out in the open for him to find. I have since locked them up in a safe.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Buffy (great username, are you here to help us slay all of our emotional vampires? metaphorically of course!)

What a violation! I'm so sorry your husband did that to you.

The toolbox might be a good place to start on setting up boundaries and other behaviors that can help you cope with his behavior while you prepare to leave.

What are you hoping to set boundaries around? One obvious one to me is that you're not going to discuss the contents of your private journals with him, is that what you're talking about?

We can't set boundaries that force the other person to behave a certain way, but we can set boundaries around what WE'RE willing to do that deprive them of the response they're looking for. If that makes sense.

So if your husband brings up the journals again, you can say "I'm not going to discuss this anymore." And then don't discuss it. Some ways to do this would be try to change the subject, do something else and ignore him, or physically leave his presence. That way you can enforce your boundary even if he isn't willing to respect it.

Hope that helps and the folks on the chosen relationships or separating and divorcing boards might have some good specific suggestions as well!

[Buffythevampireslayer]

Thank you for your response. Yes, I meant setting up boundaries regarding discussing the contents of my journals. I feel ashamed he read my fantasy about another man. Yet, I know he brought it on himself by sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. On one hand I feel like I owe him an explanation for what I wrote and on the other I'm floored he doesn't bring up the other 95% of my journal. It's a ridiculous situation to be in. I will check out the toolbox. Thank you.