Misery Loves Company

Started by Hlrobinson, May 25, 2019, 03:54:58 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Hlrobinson

I am in a situation that I cannot make sense of. I suspect both my partner and his mother are narcissist's. What seems odd is...they both love to talk about themselves and view themselves on a pedestal that the clouds in the sky can't even reach. I know it's a good thing to think highly of oneself. However, the obsessive need to verbalize this is bothersome.

Characteristically, they both are passive aggressive which follows several mind games. He loves to triangulate me with his family by down talking me to them and keeping a distance between us all at the same time. I didn't understand after a year or so why he wasn't so forth coming with introducing me to his family which seemed odd now I wish he never did.

He is a charmer and he pride himself on knowing me well. He is critical, and I caught him in several lies. His go to game tactic which always serve a purpose to manipulate, undermine, control (which he swears I am the controlling one) project, gaslight and the list goes on.

I know you may say "wow" how can I still be sticking around. Trust me when I say it's easier said than done and sometimes I question my own judgement. Things became clear when he would hold back physical interactions with me (sex) or as stated above, my involvement with his family and date nights would turn into him displaying a non-interest that I started to see Mental Abuse was taking place...as a nonverbal gesture that I am unworthy. Then here comes the charm again.

This vicious cycle has me confused. His mother on the other hand uses her money to control him. On the outer surface you would think she just being supportive like I naturally thought. Then I started realizing based on some of the off the wall comments and behaviors made by her to me that just maybe she has a sinister motive behind this. If he gets something for me she must have it too. If I have access to his vehicle even though she has several vehicles of her own to his one, then she needs to drive his car too. She has a addressed me as a "friend" whilst other's in his family address me as the girlfriend etc...She even stated before, "well he miss you but not me", I know this might seem odd but when him and I are around her he holds back his affection for me as if she won't approve or would get jealous.

We don't live in the same city as her which is an hour away. Upon moving in with me he was living with her and he was working for her husband. Since relocating he has found a new job in our city leaving the old one behind. I recently found out she been trying to get him to leave that job in our city only to come back and work for her husband (disrespect) which ultimately in hopes I believe that he would move back in with her. On our call log I took notice the constant texts and phone calls that goes out to him daily as well as personal picture of herself that she sent to him even though he has several of her. She has brainwashed him giving that he doesn't visit often that I am controlling him. When his work schedule prevents those visits. I get the notion that she wants to be in competition with me to see who he would be willing to spend the most time with. She comes up with offers or bribes him to redirect the attention his giving me unto her.

As time goes on it getting worst and worst and I fear this because he doesn't oblige to her demands. Then here comes the mental abuse she instills onto him as in cutting off financial support or other games she will play to get her way. I just feel like I am in a very toxic situation that I don't know how to get myself out of. I would be honest to say he sounds believable when he says he loves me, but the actions don't always display that...because again why the mental games. There's so much more I can say which I know you can only imagine. Keep me in your prayers because this too shall pass.

openskyblue

Welcome to Out of the FOG. This sounds like a very frustrating and confusing situation for you with many red flags of concern about your partner's mother, but also with your partner. Now that he's living with you, I'm guessing these red flags are growing.

Living with someone with a PD or someone with a primary relative with a PD can be very confusing and erosive to your sense of self. We have a lot of great resources in the Toolbox that I think would help you understand what you are dealing with. It's not clear if your partner or his mother have PD, but what you're saying about lying, manipulation, withholding affection and intimacy, competition  for who comes first, well, that's a lot to have to deal with. And I'm guessing you're starting to wonder if you want this on your life. The Toolbox is a good place to start on educating yourself in PD psychology and how to hold onto yourself in the face of it.


helpmeplease

Hlrobinson, you could have been describing both of my  past relationships. Please feel free to read my earlier posts which describe in detail the dynamic between my pd boyfriend of 22 years and his mother and then my pd boyfriend of a few months and his friendship with a married woman. I can relate to the feeling of a competition over attention, the withholding. the triangulation, everything you said. With the first one I did not really understand what was going on but I had no self esteem, no confidence because I never knew if he was going to be nice or nasty and the uncertainty was dreadful. It got worse and worse with both of them bullying me until I could not take it any more. I had to stop working, I lost my friends and my memory. I developed  an autoimmune disease because of the stress of continually trying to compromise keep him happy and believing I must be truly a horrible person if they treated me like this. Please think long and hard about spending the rest of your life in this situation. They don't change in fact they get worse. You might be able to manage their behaviour with the toolbox and be able to train yourself not to react  but is this really how you want to spend your life. They have set ideas and thoughts , it does not matter how kind you are to them or how good you are, they still think they are right. If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self  to RUN. 

Hlrobinson

Greetings. Thanks for your support. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate through this website so thanks for your patience. I am most defiantly walking on eggshells. What's so confusing is most of the time he is a decent human being to be around but then out of nowhere the asshole shows back up. I have a feeling that this toxic situation will run its coarse or maybe I am just hopeful. I am not sure how I am going to exit this relationship because he does things undetected as I said before he's tactic is mental abuse. However, your right I don't want to live my life in this way...I look forward to reading your posts. Again, thanks for your encouragement.

LuvDontLiveHereAnymore

A Jealous Heart Is An Evil Heart..... Any person who has jealousy in their heart is not a good person. And, of course she wants to start drama in your home. Maybe she is unhappy in her marriage and the only love she got was from her children. And, that may be why she is so clingy and controlling. Who knows what they have gone through in their lives to make them be this way. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, I felt like I had no one. I would sit in the middle of my bed and cry while rubbing my stomach and I would say "It's just me and you man!" And, I love him so much. I had no one! I was so broken, pregnant and alone. I know that she is married but sometimes a person can feel alone even in their marriage. It is clear that her husband is not giving her the affection and attention that she needs in her marriage. If so, she would be happier. And, she would want that same happiness for her son. It never works out well when a person involves their family in their relationship. I can imagine the level of betrayal that you feel not knowing what they are saying about you behind your back. I can imagine that you do not want to compete with his mom but instead wish that you could be closer. Have you ever asked her if there is a particular reason why she feels this animosity towards you? Because clearly there is something within her that is driving this jealousy. I think she is seeking attention from her son instead of seeking attention from her husband. Why is she sending her son all these pictures of her? Is it because she is seeking attention? Or is it because she doesn't feel as though she was a good mother to him growing up and she's seeking validation from him? It seems she is afraid of LOSING him as though she is going to be alone. That's why I say that maybe she has some issues in her marriage or maybe her husband is abandoning or neglecting her.

Hlrobinson

Perfectly said. She is currently leaving her husband of 14 years. What I don't understand she already finish this process all she needs to do now is just live in her new place which might I add would be three hours from her son. So she keeps postponing the move date. Now that I think about it. I assume she got upset with her son prior and threatened to move into this new place within that week that was months ago. Games, games, games.

moglow

Fyi - if you want to see another member's posts, click on their name above one of their posts and that takes you directly to their profile. From there click on "show posts" to pull up a list of their posts. You can do the same to see a history of your own posts also. 😉
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish