That kernel of truth, keeps me from fully moving on

[LemonLime]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for all the help I've gotten on the forum so far.   It has helped me so much.

I'm about 10 months into my journey of realization that my sibling has Borderline-traits.  I do not believe she had BPD, but she has the rages and distorted thinking.  It's interesting to think about how now it all fits together:  she was a very strong-willed kid who just didn't seem to fit in with my parents and me.  She seemed to feel victimized by us in general.  She was negative toward lots of people and was very critical of them.  Didn't join clubs or groups and sort of ridiculed the groups too.  The sense I got thn was that nothing was good enough for her.  Now I see that in all likelihood her self-esteem and fear of abandonment kept her from joining and connecting.   As a family, we just learned to accept her "quirks", and endure her intensity, which often showed itself by her raging at one of my parents around a political topic or something that didn't even involve my parents. 

All this was weird but as families do, we adjusted and being the Protestant well-mannered repressed people we are, we never really confronted her on it.  Or set proper boundaries.  As in "If you can't speak calmly, we will leave the house, or you need to leave the house".  We did the work-around, and we enjoyed many things about her.  And of course, now that I'm middle-aged and my parents are elderly, we are paying the price.

She seemed to get her emotions under control for many years, but in the past year that has changed.  She lives far away, and we see her a few times a year.  The past 2 visits have been characterized by her having rages and me and my parent.  Seems out of the blue.

It's hard because I find myself questioning myself.  She is raging at me, never cursing, but making broad sweeping statements about how I always have been (fill in the blank with disparaging characteristic)..    How I have never been (fill in the blank positive characteristic).     How I never do enough (fill in the blank with any chore).    And how any good parent  should be able to make their kids (fill in the blank with skill that I am working on with my kids but that they haven't mastered yet).   She doesn't have kids of her own.

And so it's difficult because she hits on things that are vulnerable for me.   I'm about in the middle of the range for being an organized person.   I'm more organized than some of my friends and less than a few others.   My house is in middle of the range in terms of tidy.   My kids are really polite about some things and not as much about others.  When I didn't have kids, I thought for sure that by their tweens I would be able to get my kids to consistently look adults in the eye and greet them.  My kids do that sometimes, and sometimes they don't.   I don't know why, and I continue to work with them on that.   And it's a point of frustration for me.   When I'm with a group staying in a rented home I always try to make sure I'm doing my part.   For whatever reason in my extended family it seems the women do all the dishes and housework while the men relax.  That makes me annoyed so I know there are times I wait for the men to clean the kitchen.  My sister doesn't hold the men to that standard.  She picks me out of the group and says I'm not doing enough and that it's because I'm entitled and rude.

All this is to say that this has done a number on me.  I've read that one of the difficult parts about a PD person is that they're really good at knowing and using people's vulnerabilities against them.   My T says that it's par for the course.  My T has had to help me reconnect with reality by asking 1) did you throw food in the kitchen?  2) did you throw wet towels on the floor and refuse to pick them up?    If the answer is "no" to those types of questions, your cleaning manners were fine and you did not deserve to be raged at.  Or something along those lines in terms of a reality check.

You get the idea.  I've struggled with wondering if I am so much worse than the average parent, the average sister, the average houseguest.  Am I really the monster that my sister implies that I am?   Have I always been so terrible, aloof, noncaring as she says?

It plays with my mind.  Yes, I was a bit aloof in our childhood because I felt she didn't like me.    I never felt she wanted me around so I found my own life.  I didn't really resent her, I just wanted to find friends who liked me.   We went our own ways for the most part and weren't really close.  So what?  I  was a bit sad about that but accepted it.  Now she accuses me of being robotic (I think I was doing Gray Rock without realizing what Gray Rock was).   So now I have a bit of guilt about not being warmer to her all our lives.    The truth is that we have had some really great times together, even best friends for short periods.  But I realize now I never totally trusted her with my emotions.  And now I know why.

She feels our family was mean to her.  I would describe our family sort of like the family in "The Goldbergs" sitcom on TV.  Not sure if people feel that is a dysfunctional family, but I don't think so myself.  The parents are together, they have enough money, there is no physical or sexual abuse, there is laughter in the house.  People are generally supported, but nobody in the family is particularly skilled at emotionally supporting one another.   It's not the Brady Bunch.  People have foibles, the Dad in the family has sort of a low emotional IQ, the mom is too hovering.   The siblings fight and aren't always nice to each other.  Isn't that what a family does?   But my sis sees us as against her.  Always trying to pull the rug out from under her happiness.   Plotting, trying to demonize her.   She was a pistol to raise and my parent's weren't skilled......but for Pete's sake, how can you get to middle age and not just LET IT GO?   We're not talking about abuse, we're talking about people not knowing what to say or how to fully support someone.  We aren't child psychologists.    How were we supposed to know how to support her?

I'm afraid to apologize for my misdeeds.  Because she seems to feel I am a monster, horrid and lurking to try to ruin her life, I am afraid of admitting any wrongdoing.  I think she will take it as an admission of guilt for all that she imagines I did to her.  In her mind I am the GC and she is the SG.   I think the truth is I was easy to raise, and she wasn't because of her BP traits.  My parents have apologized for being reactive with her in her teens.  But I guess I'm not forgiven for being easier and more conforming.  I wasn't doing that to make her look bad.  It's just in my nature to be conforming, and possibly I didn't want to be as emotional as I saw her being.  Probably both things contributed.

This just feels so crappy.   I have gotten enough therapy that I know how to handle family visits in terms of keeping my distance, not staying in the same house, etc.   What I'd like is to get rid of that nagging feeling that there is some truth to what she says.  And to forgive myself for dealing with my sister the best I knew how at the time.   For not being perfect.  For not saying the right thing.  For avoiding her sometimes instead of comforting her.   For not wanting to deal with the intensity of her emotions.  For being tired of it and wanting to do something else, something with people who gave me the benefit of the doubt.  For wanting to be with people who enjoy me and see me as a good person, not as an entitled GC.

Thanks for letting me vent, guys.

[nanotech]

Crikey. Well of course they do use something we feel sensitive about and then try to inflate our fears and worries by criticising us on that basis.
And why do we feel sensitive about it? Because they've made it an issue in the past.
Even when you sensibly withdrew- that was called being ' aloof'. 
I did this too as a child
Don't worry about your tweens! Trust your own judgement, your own good solid parenting, and try not to listen to someone who you know to be abusive and destructive.
Never mind no eye contact, kids go through stages of being non - verbal sometimes as well!  Mine did!!  You're doing amazing and they will be fine, just keep her away from them 😉. 
I think maybe  she's trying to revive the abuse she gave you when you were kids/ teens by trying to find something to say about your children.
As for tidiness, well that's nothing to do with her. You are clearly tidy enough, and to try to be too tidy with tweens around I think could create conflict in your home. Maybe she wants to see that conflict?
We are all different about tidiness. I'm much more untidy than my NPDsister. She couldn't have a thing out of place. I could never live with her.
Incidentally, she does the same thing- gets into stupid dramatic arguments with us  about moral or political issues.  She has a need to have everyone agree with her. If they don't, she seems to get angrier and angrier.

So the bit of truth you are concerned about-isn't really a truth, it's them focussing on something ordinary then blowing it up and calling it a problem!

I wouldn't see her any more. I don't see mine- well just at funerals. lol.

[LemonLime]

Thank you Nanotech.  That does make me feel better, both about the normalization of my kids' behavior, and your encouragement to keep away from my sister.  I think I needed to hear that.   I needed to hear that these rages are enough to justify my going VLC with her.  To keep my kids away from her.  I feel like you and many others on this forum understand.  You get that this is not just a silly catfight.  This is abuse.  That my foibles are merely human foibles, not anything more than that.  Thank you.