what does love from family feel like

[needfixing]

maybe I missed identifying it

[needfixing]

Suffering is a choice. Endless Mindfuckery. Tormentors have no mercy. Magical thinking anyone here gives a f. I am OUT. F with someone else. Suffering ends.

[Spygirl]

I wonder what this feels like too.

Thru my healing journey, i have discovered that i didn't experience it from family except my grandparents, whom saw once a year. I do see it in my friends families, but i am not emotionally capable of really accepting or returning it yet.


My mother was mentally ill. For a short period  in my teens, she was on medication for it, and that was the only time she was even resonable and occasionalky nice.

It did not last long. I have been "looking for love in all the wrong places "ever since. Heres to both of us finding out what its like before we die.

[practical]

"You know it when you see it" or in this case "you know it when you feel it" - you didn't miss identifying it. If you have to ask here, I think the answer is it wasn't there for you. And I do mean it "you know it when you feel it" - I couldn't describe what DH and I have with words or it would come out sounding indescribably kitschy, the best I can say is, it feels right like a well fitting shoe (and that makes it sound drab  , which it isn't).

[StayWithMe]

I didn't understand the difference until I started looking more closely at other parent child relationships.

[Wilderhearts]

Do you have people, like close friends, or chosen family, that you can be you're real self with?  For me, there are only a few people that I can speak my mind to without really know what I'm saying until I've said it - with everyone else I'm censoring.  Being cautious.  For me, it's freedom from fear.  No fear of harm, no fear of rejection, no hypervigilence.  No fear that my feelings are "wrong" or I myself as a person am "wrong."  It's safety and freedom.

It's the same with my non-PD mom.  Now, lots of things I won't tell her    But when I'm censoring myself with her it's not out of fear for my wellbeing/safety, it's just boundaries.

The game changer for me was getting safe, learning to feel safe when in a safe environment so I could be my real self, in order to accept that love.  I couldn't do that when my uPDf was part of my home environment, and it took years to shift out of crisis/survival mode.  It's a process.

[newlife33]

For me it feels like there is a force gently lifting me up.  I am not tense.  I feel like my teeth are showing a lot when I laugh.  The emotion is primal and vulnerable but comfortable.

[Hazy111]

My narc Dad, was in a tight spot panicking as he thought he was going to end up in a home. He wanted to me as an ally to fight against my sister putting him in one. As i was leaving him, he said "Hazy , you know i love you!"   I said " Funny i dont remember you showing it" The best reply he could come up with was "I implied it"

Implied it ! It was my fault for not picking up on his implied love . Lol.

At least my mom knew she was no good at showing love "I show it through food" ie im stopping you from dying by overfeeding you, which was all to do with her fear and anxiety.

[Hazy111]

My narc Dad, was in a tight spot panicking as he thought he was going to end up in a home. He wanted to me as an ally to fight against my sister putting him in one. As i was leaving him, he said "Hazy , you know i love you!"   I said " Funny i dont remember you showing it" The best reply he could come up with was "I implied it"

Implied it ! It was my fault for not picking up on his implied love . Lol.

At least my mom knew she was no good at showing love "I show it through food" ie im stopping you from dying by overfeeding you, which was all to do with her fear and anxiety.

[Wilderhearts]

Wow, Hazy.  That's a better line than any sitcom writer could ever come up with.  And that he believes it's actually in his defence!

I remember my non-M telling me "I think your [uNPD] f wants to love you, he just doesn't know how." hit the nail on the head.  I'm comforted thinking that he wanted to, and, had he known how, he would have.  It doesn't change the fact that it's one of the most painful things when a person who loves us is incapable of being loving.

[Sojourner17]

I too am trying to figure out what love is. I'm reading a book right now called Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members ... by Dr. Sherri Campbell. While I'm not sure about the whole book at the moment there are snippets that have been super helpful so far. In the first few chapters she has a list of some clues to look for when looking for love.
When love is present:
-there is very little chaos
-there is conversation
-there is no gossip or backstabbing
-there is support and nurturing
-there is acceptance
-there is ease and room for joy
-there is clarity
-we feel stable
-we can be ourselves
-we are not consumed with worry
-we have a sense of community
-we are happy
-we live in a state of trust
-we have a sense of contentment

[Grahamcracker]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, in the context of my young adult daughter.  I've suspected my wife was BP for years, but I always convinced myself that we were, somehow, being good parents.  So why is my talented beautiful young daughter in therapy?  Truth is, we never gave her unconditional love -- BPW always set standards for her, and made it clear that when D was aligned with her ideas, D was doing well.  I am afraid to say that I didn't do anywhere near enough to step in, though sometimes I tried.  But sometimes I actually seemed to buy into W's thinking.  I tried to balance roles, I didn't want to bad-mouth W to D, and was rarely sure enough of my own ground to decide what to do.

I was an enmeshed Dad.

I've talked much more openly these past few months to D, and W is now convinced she is the butt of a conspiracy to "make her look bad."  Never a whisper of a suspicion that maybe W was wrong sometimes, or many times.  Only that I am making her look bad, and that no one understands W's needs, and that W's way worked, so D should do the same thing.

That poor, poor girl struggling to find herself and her way in that sort of environment, always afraid to take a stand lest it result in terrible retribution (and only lately did I learn that W did talk to her behind my back and tell her how bad she was and I was.

I don't know if I ever experienced real love from my parents, both of whom came from broken, poverty-stricken homes.  I know W never did.  I can only imagine it, how it would feel to be encouraged to find and  develop one's true self, and to make mistakes and find my own way.  I wish I'd given that to my D, I'm trying to now. 

Trying to, with all my heart.

[Ariel]

Graham Cracker, your accountability and reflection on your behavior shows you understand and care. You can still show her your love now. She is still young. I am on my fifties and until recently realized my parents love won't come for me. Love your daughter now,talk about the past and your misgivings and tell her you're sorry. Your wife will be angry with you but you can help your daughter. You will have to stand up to your wife though

[GentleSoul]

I too am trying to figure out what love is. I'm reading a book right now called Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members ... by Dr. Sherri Campbell. While I'm not sure about the whole book at the moment there are snippets that have been super helpful so far. In the first few chapters she has a list of some clues to look for when looking for love.
When love is present:
-there is very little chaos
-there is conversation
-there is no gossip or backstabbing
-there is support and nurturing
-there is acceptance
-there is ease and room for joy
-there is clarity
-we feel stable
-we can be ourselves
-we are not consumed with worry
-we have a sense of community
-we are happy
-we live in a state of trust
-we have a sense of contentment

Many thanks for sharing this.  An eye opener to me.

My childhood home and now my marriage is the exact opposite of this. 

[athene1399]

For me it's acceptance and validation. I never had that growing up. My SO gives it to me now. It took me forever to be comfortable with it. At first, real love was a turn off for me. I had to ease into it. When we are so used to abuse, love can feel unnatural, fake, uncomfortable. Took me 15 years to figure it out. What love should feel and look like and what a healthy relationship is. So I guess maybe more accurately is love heals our emotional wounds and teaches us security. 

[PeanutButter]

I can only imagine it, how it would feel to be encouraged to find and  develop one's true self, and to make mistakes and find my own way.

Myself and my husband have discussed this exact feeling.