They're Baaaaack!

[SweetTea]

Some background on what originally brought me to this forum, and to why DD's high school graduation in five days is significant: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=73301.msg642932#msg642932

Since that post, DH has come Out of the FOG, confronted all of his family, and supports my NC fully. DD is graduating HS on Friday. DH's family has been in town at least 3 or 4 days and it makes no difference to me because I don't wish to see them, nor do I have to see them. Our graduations are held in a very large (seats 8000) venue and DH expressed (with my full blessing) they were all welcome to DD's graduation ceremony. However, in light of their (deplorable) behaviors surrounding DS's HS graduation,  the only formal luncheon we were going to host this time around would be with my family and DD's close friends. If they wanted to have their own celebratory meal for DD, it would be their deal, on them.  They stated that they 'understood' and would plan their own dinner around ours.

But! In true PD family fashion they have already managed to take the focus off of DD and make it about each of their individual selves. DD's graduation is  Friday evening. We are doing our luncheon on Saturday. DH informed them that if they wanted to host a celebration meal for DD, as long as it wasn't Saturday lunch (the time we booked), they were free to schedule any time that works for DD.

6 months ago they said they'd all fly in Wednesday and do their diner Wednesday night, attend her graduation Friday.

Last month divorced BIL2 decided that since he didn't have custody of his DS6 the weekend of DD's graduation, he and his son would come the weekend before. And move the celebration dinner date to the Sunday prior to her graduation (which is today). Then he and DS will leave to fly back tomorrow, neither attending DD's actual graduation. (For those following along, he decided instead of attending his nieces actual graduation, it was more important for he and his son to fly in to attend a meal 5 days before.)

uNBIL1 is single and thought BIL2's idea was awesome so he too flew in for the weekend for the dinner, but will also leave Monday and not attend her actual graduation.

enFIL told DH two weeks ago he had an 'appointment' he had to be back home for on DD's graduation date so he is going attend the dinner and miss DD"s graduation as well.

SIL and her H and children live a few towns over and are attending both. She is hosting her dysfunctional family.

Oh! They decided that before they'd have DD's Sunday night graduation dinner, they would have a celebration diner 2 nights prior to honor all the upcoming family birthdays and anniversaries. Because....this trip can't just be about DD's graduation!

uNMIL is staying for the whole deal which is why I made sure my prescription of Xanax is full. I hope to not cross paths with her at the graduation ceremony in a venue that holds 8,000. If I do, I'm hopefully prepared to medium chill, then excuse myself as I calmly disappear to someplace quiet (my car) to meditate and congratulate myself for coming as far as I have!

DD expressed to me privately that she was hurt that two of her uncles and her grandfather would not be here to see her graduate. I validated her, told her I understood, but left it at that. I feel like I needed to let her come to her own conclusions on her own. She knows I'm NC and why. Despite that, I want her to have her own feelings and to take responsibility for those feelings on her own, in her own time. I figure I don't need to poison the well. DHs family is doing that all on their own.

[qcdlvl]

Does your DD actually want a meal with them?

[SweetTea]

Does your DD actually want a meal with them?

She did. She has very mixed feelings regarding DH's family. She knows all a lot of what they do is wrong. She doesn't like the way they've treated me, now that she's old enough to comprehend what's been going on. But until now the narc behaviors haven't touched her directly.

[qcdlvl]

Then I think you're handling it very well - all of it. You've probably given your ILs enough rope to hang themselves with, given their shenanigans - while your actions are those of a generous person with a lot of forebearance, and you're being supportive of your DD while giving her plenty of latitude to reach her own conclusions, which is surely not lost on your DD.

[Alexmom]

Milestone or big life event celebrations that customarily also involve extended family always bring out such an added element of anxiety and stress if PD relatives are in the mix as this is primetime for a PD to make the event all about him/her or to just spoil the day with drama and bad behavior.  This is the main reason why DH and I decided to not invite extended family to attend milestone events like our kids' graduation from high school or college as we learned from past events not to do this.   The day is so much more pleasant without these people in the mix.

In any event, I think you have a good plan to just keep your distance from your MIL, etc.  at the graduation and to not invite them to the luncheon in your DD's honor.  If it's important enough to your MIL, etc, they can separately honor your DD which as you already know - in full PD fashion - won't quite be about your DD even if they do decide to gather. 

[SweetTea]

Thank you Alexmom and qcdlvl for your feedback! It's always good to come here and feel heard and validated. 

So it turns out  a few days before DH's PD'd family arrived, DD found her voice and told DH that she was hurt and upset that most of his family wasn't bothering to stay for her graduation ceremony.

Not knowing she had discussed this with him, I decided I needed to discuss DDs feelings with DH and also share my feelings on how his family's most recent behaviors had further validated my decision to remain NC.

DH not only agreed, but told me what DD had shared with him. He then lambasted himself for essentially saying "okay, whatever works, I'm sure she won't mind" when his brothers and father all separately called to basically get his blessing not to attend her actual graduation ceremony. I told him we both shared some guilt; neither he nor I even asked DD what she thought, just fell into our old patterns of going along to get along. Like me, DH is also in therapy, and I feel whatever he and his therapist are working on came to the forefront in that moment. We decided we should both apologize to DD for speaking on her behalf to DH's PD family. DH and I then discussed how what his family had done was essentially triangulate DH (avoiding direct discussion with DD) to give them his blessing to not attend her graduation ceremony. This angered DH once he realized this....so he called his father and his brothers and confronted them.

He told them all that she was hurt that they didn't think her graduation ceremony was important enough to stick around for. He pointed out that they were all prioritizing a dinner, other celebrations, and themselves over DD (who was the reason they were supposed to be coming to town.). And he told them it was NOT appropriate to put us or DD in a position of giving them permission to behave the way they want to behave. Either you are attending or not attending. Do not triangulate, do not manipulate.

enFIL and BIL 2 were apologetic. BIL 2 said he would buy another airline ticket and fly back in to see her graduate. (He surprised me and actually did fly back as promised.) EnFIL apologized. uNPDBil had nothing to say.

Fast forward a week later. The graduation venue is huge, seats @ 7500, and there is no limit to how many people you can invite. I didn't expect to run into any of the remaining in-laws in that crowd, but had prepared myself with an anti anxiety medication and a very Medium Chill mentality. My therapist and I had decided what could work for me was responding to them as if I had run into an old co-worker I didn't particularly like. cordial, cool, polite, move on.

We were about to walk into the venue when I saw a man who looked just like my FIL followed by someone who looks like my SIL. FIL was supposed to have returned to his home state a few days before for his 'importatnt appointment.' I realized it was him, so I nudged DH and said, "Your dad is here." DH actually stopped and looked at me in a way that silently communicated, "Do you want to go in another way so they don't see us/ we don't have to talk to them?" In that moment I was so happy for my DD that her paternal grandfather had corrected his error, put DD first, that I shook my head, said, "Call out to them."

So it turns out MIL was also just a few steps away. There was a moment that was slightly awkward were everyone said a stiff smiling 'hello'. All three of them enFIL, uNMIL, SIL, kept a respectful distance as we made small talk. SIL's own MIL had just died a few days before and she looked very fragile. They had been close. I thanked all of then for coming, and gave SIL a hug. I knew she was close to her MIL and it definitely said something that she made a point of attending when it would have been perfectly understandable if she'd stayed home with her mourning DH and children. My heart felt soft for SILs mourning and for my enFIL's effort to change his course and stay for DD's ceremony. I also felt, for the first time in years, that they were respecting my boundaries. No one was trying to force a hug on me, or pull me aside to manipulate me, or put me on the spot. So I made a snap decision that felt right with my boundaries and my heart. I decided I would keep the conversation brief (because MIL can never behave for very long) and positive (because we are all there for love of DD). I (willingly!) offered each of them each a hug (though I felt no affection at all for uNMIL) and thanked them again for coming. I then excused myself explaining I needed to search for my own parents.

I though DH would linger with them but he did not. Once we were inside DH said, "That was really nice of you considering everything. You didn't have to do that." I said, "I didn't do it for them, I did it for DD and me. I just did what I felt." He said he completely understood. I then said, "I still want to stay NC except for weddings and funerals." He said he completely understood that too.