Personality disorder or just a bad relationship?

[AnonymousS]

In my last post I spoke about the abuse I suffered from my father. I thought that discussing the abuse from my father would be appropriate due to being told that the reason I put up with abuse from my ex partner could be down to the abuse from my father..
Anyway this post is about my ex partner whom I am more certain has a personality disorder, with my father he could have simply been abusive but not necessarily because of a personality disorder..
My ex partner always held back emotionally.. he never told me he loved me unless he was high on drugs. Never congratulated me for my sucsesses or even complimented me in general really..
he would continuously make plans with me over the weekend and then when the weekend came he would completely ghost me, leaving me in tears wondering what I had done wrong. I'd be waiting in a full face of make up and dressed the way he likes. (Baggy jumper and jeans). He would call on the monday apologising dramatically saying that his head was a mess and he was sorry. (Basically he'd gone out drinking with his friends all weekend)
He would always make comments about my appearance but then make out like they were jokes. Saying things like "don't ever wear your nails like that again" or "your hair looks better it was a mess yesterday"
One time I went to the pub to meet him and his two friends I had never met before. As I arrived he pulled the chair from beneath me making me fall and feel very embarrassed.
That same night he saw me and his friend having a conversation.. this obviously annoyed him as he told his friend "10er a go" meaning I would sleep with him for £10.
Anyway whenever I confronted him saying I felt I loved him so much more than he loved me he simply told me I was "too sensitive" and that's why the relationship wasn't working.
Fast forward a few years and I gave birth to our child.
Needless to say I had a very traumatic birth and suffered with bad injuries meaning I was bed bound.
Within the first few weeks of recovery I wanted to stay at my mothers house with him.. a couple of days post natal and he tells me that I'm a mummies girl and that I'm not independent because I wanted to stay at hers. He told me that I obviously couldn't commit to him if I wanted my mum. If I cried at his comments he just told me I was simply a mard arse.
As I stood my ground and said I wanted to recover at my mums house he told me I had ruined his and his family's life because they haven't had a chance to bond with our daughter.. this was ten days after giving birth and they were welcome round...
A couple of days later I forced myself to go round to his house, in absolute agony but filled with guilt from the thing so he had said.
He made a comment about something small and I rolled my eyes. He then started saying that I couldn't have an adult conversation. Because I ignored him he lost his temper saying that I was a tramp and other degrading things.
He would always tell me that I'm bipolar and I certainly am not..
When he was nice to me it was sickly nice, it made me feel sick. He was overly affectionate and it was always when he wanted something e.g sex. Again I won't go Into detail on that topic but I will say that sex just felt wrong.. there was no love or passion and if I didn't sleep with him I was made to feel very guilty afterwards..
Can somebody please tell me if these are signs that he may have a personality disorder? I'm happy to answer any more questions as there aren't other reasons I think this may be the case

[notrightinthehead]

Are you still with this man?
Do you have real life emotional support?
If you are in doubt, check out the 100 Traits, that might help you decide.

[AnonymousS]

Are you still with this man?
Do you have real life emotional support?
If you are in doubt, check out the 100 Traits, that might help you decide.

No, I ended it around two months ago but still struggling to deal with it all.. where do I find the 100 traits ??? Ive read two book on narcissistic personality disorder and and they all relate to my situation.. there has been love bombing, gaslighting, discarding, flying monkey... nearly all of it.
Do you mean real life emotional support from him? If so then no not at all the only kind of emotional support I have is from my mother

[notrightinthehead]

Go to the PERSONALITY DISORDERS  tab and click on the TOP 100 Traits.

I am glad that you have the support from your mother. Sometimes it helps if you can find counselling or therapy.  Many people who have been in a relationship with a PD find that they need help building up their self esteem again.

[AnonymousS]

Go to the PERSONALITY DISORDERS  tab and click on the TOP 100 Traits.

I am glad that you have the support from your mother. Sometimes it helps if you can find counselling or therapy.  Many people who have been in a relationship with a PD find that they need help building up their self esteem again.

Yes my health visitor said I should go to therapy so I have self referred myself and I'm on the waiting list fingers crossed 🤞

[Penny Lane]

Hi AnonymousS and welcome to Out of the FOG.

We can't tell you for sure whether or not he has a personality disorder. But it sounds like if you check out the 100 traits like notrightinthehead suggested, you might find that a lot of them seem very familiar to you. I also suggest you take a look at the toolbox for strategies for interaction with him.

It can be very hard to recover from a relationship with someone who acts like this, whether or not they have a PD. I too am glad you have your mother and hope you get into the therapist soon!

If you want to talk to others who are in your position you might also look at the separating and divorvcing forum.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you can keep yourself safe and focus on healing.