Return of the Fog

[lotusblume]

I have been NC for almost a year with my FOO. I was doing really well, making progress in my healing, inner child work, angering, seeing clearly etc.

I mentioned a few weeks ago in a post that my sibling showed up at my door. She had been a huge tormentor in my life and I felt like I would never talk to her again. She was the easiest person to feel angry with initially. And now a few weeks later, after the show up, Hoover's starting up again, and the passing of FOO birthdays that I did not acknowledge, I have been repressing my feelings. I drank over a bottle of wine to myself the other night alone and felt very ashamed because of it. I used to use alcohol to cope with my feelings but have become an occasional and moderate drinker. I think trying to suppress my feelings about the hoovering, birthdays, and feeling bad for my abusers and starting to get foggy again was wearing on me and I turned to an old toxic coping mechanism. I have decided to take a break from alcohol for now as I realise I am at risk for falling into self-medication.

Has anyone here experienced anything like that? I have been working so hard to get better, and then a bunch of triggers sent me reeling and I feel ambivalent and hopeless, and wonder if I'm doing the right thing staying NC, even though I've been through all the thoughts and feelings and know that it is what I need. It's like the FOG got so overwhelming again and I just want to get back on track, live my life, and keep working on myself.

Its like I have reached a plateau in my healing, felt like everything was moving up and I was on the right track so I could relax a bit and keep going slowly, and then BAM. That uninvited visit and the hoovering triggered a serious unwanted regression.

I had also changed my phone number and no one had it so things were peaceful, and I forgot in the moment my sibling was there and had texted them to leave and broke NC. Now I get calls from FOO (formerly unblocked numbers which are now blocked) and now private calls coming in as well as emails.

Just needed to rant... Thanks for listening.

[notrightinthehead]

The way I comfort myself after a relapse - it is a journey. And sometimes we go back a little and sometimes we make a detour. Most of the time we move forward, that is the important thing.

[TriedTooHard]

You are a human with feelings and emotions, you are not a robot.  It is hard to develop healthy coping mechanisms.  We grew up watching our uPD relatives use black and white thinking and a lot of other dysfunctional coping mechanisms to protect themselves while forcing others to fall in line.  Fortunately, you did not develop those coping mechanisms, but, you did not have good role models to show you better ones. 

[all4peace]

I'm sorry for what may feel like a setback in your healing journey. I have experienced it also. I have "trained" myself to notice red flags. For me, it is not drinking enough water, not eating well, disrupted sleep, lethargy, etc. And I can cope by eating mindlessly and not doing self-care. I understand the shame that can accompany that. But I'm choosing to see them as welcome warning signs that help me get back on the right path.

I've heard that planes are only perfectly on course a tiny percent of the time. Mostly they're aimed in the right direction with constant small course corrections. I think that may be the way life is for many of us. I think it's normal.

[newme_whodis]

lotusblume, I'm sorry for the sudden disruption in what sounds like a lot of progress and inner work. :hug:It feels like ramming into a brick wall out of nowhere. Even if you're on the dark side of the mountain, though, you're still moving upwards.

You made a good move by identifying drinking as a coping mechanism that doesn't work. I've had to change my phone number twice, and it sounds like this (and blocking email addresses) might be helpful for you too. Your FOO sounds engulfing like mine, which can be very all-or-nothing, in terms of spurts of hoovering and contact without consent. This is a boundary violation that you don't need to tolerate. You also have the right to file a police report and put up a 'no trespassing' sign. Whatever you need to do for peace of mind. You deserve peace and space to unfold. When you have space to recover in a macro sense, the time it takes to recover from isolated hoover attempts becomes less over time.

[lotusblume]

Thank you all so much for your support!!! The fog is lifting again and I'm getting back on track.