New... Just started coming Out of the FOG from a PPD ex-boyfriend

[QuietlyConfused]

I just wanted to share my story about this and maybe see if anyone has tips on how to deal with breaking off from someone with paranoid personality disorder. I recently broke off communication with my previous boyfriend (it's been a few weeks since I allowed myself any form of communication with him) and it's been the hardest month of my life. I do feel freer, but I also feel empty and hurt. If this does any justice, I'm posting my story here:

I didn't realize my boyfriend had had PPD (I didn't even know about PPD before my therapist brought it up to me a couple months ago), but I was with him for nearly 8 years. As a non who has grown up with a low self-esteem, I was 18 when we first got together. Having never been in a serious relationship before him, I thought his desire to always want to talk to me was sweet. I knew him from a youth group close by my hometown. The year we started "dating," he'd show up at my college dorm which was a few hours away from home and want me to go visit him on the weekends. We webchatted constantly, and he asked sweetly for me to send him pictures to show him what I was doing and where I was going. I was infatuated by him and the fact that he was so interested in me. In general, I am an open, social person, so as a freshman in college at the time, I was excited to make new friends and talk to others. The first time I noticed something was wrong was when he got incredibly mad that I was out at an event with several of my college friends. He thought one of the guys in the group liked me, and when I said there was nothing there, he didn't believe it. He accused me of cheating. Because I wanted so badly to make the relationship work, I broke off that entire friend group, and continued to break off more friend groups. I spent the last few months in my freshman year alone, only going out to go to the cafeteria or classes, but immediately coming back to my dorm because he was waiting for me at the webcam. If I came back too late (because he had my whole schedule), he would get angry with me. That summer, he said he didn't like the way I was messaging others on Facebook and did not allow me to go on Facebook. Because he was convinced that the friends I made in freshman year college were toxic, he convinced me to leave my first college and commute instead, to his community college. The thing is, that the whole time, he did not call me his girlfriend to others but he would expect me to tell strangers that I had a boyfriend. I was caught in an abusive cycle with someone who I could only bring to my family as my "friend," but he was clearly much more to me.

I'll spare you all the other stories, but that was how it all started. Fast-forwarding 8 years later, things have not changed much, other than the fact that he has become incredibly reliant on me. He has not had a job for 3 years, has not had a car for 3 years, and he has relied on me for all his financial and emotional support. I am currently in severe debt because of him. I stayed because I loved him and I was convinced that all he needed was someone to be patient with him, then he'd change. He was depressed but no matter how many times I tried to get him to go to therapy, he said that he could not trust therapists. He said "If I can't even trust the person who I'm closest with (me), how can I trust a complete stranger?" Mind you that he had repeated this line often for 8 years. I cut off some of my closest friends because he didn't like the way we talked, and he forbade me from telling anyone anything about him. He still did not call me his girlfriend, but if I was asked by strangers, he'd still want me to say that I had a boyfriend.

He was constantly convinced that I had something to hide. Throughout our relationship he told me that I have to be open and honest with him, but when I was, he would get mad and say that I'm not telling him everything. That "there was more to the truth and that's just as bad as lying." He always harped on the fact that people had lied to him in the past, and that I'm lying to him now. He was obsessed with the thought that no one could be trusted.

The time I started to see it again when he was away on a trip recently, he had a full-on argument about me driving up to visit a friend (who is a girl). He kept telling me that I was lying, and that if I was trying so hard to go, it must be that I had to be hiding something. He said that there was no reason for me to go. When I didn't budge, he threatened his life and typed out "If anyone is reading this, my name is ___. She won't see it this way, but everything I did was for her. It was all for her. These are my last messages."

That was two months ago, because I stupidly went back and contacted him a couple weeks later. I tried again to make one last repair on the relationship, but it went south again. There were a few more incidents where his manipulation had gotten so bad within the next month that I had to end it. And now I am three weeks out. When he came back from his trip, he called me 317 times (literally over the span of four days and it was constant), texted me 37 times through several apps, and showed up making rounds around my block in his mom's car. I did not respond to any of those attempts. He ended up going to one of my childhood friend's houses and confided in her. She called me and told me that he realizes he's messed up, and that he wishes it didn't have to end this way. He is convinced that if I have one more talk with him, that he'll know how to fix the relationship.

My problem is that it all hurts really bad. I know he's sad. I know he doesn't have many people he can turn to. And I know he's looking for me to come back. I have been so much happier without him, but I feel like I'm not coping well. I feel like I've had 8 years of life taken away from me and I'm so tired. I still feel really sad and I know it will take time. But I don't know how to feel, considering that I know he's hurt me so much, and I'm the one who's leaving... But it hurts more than anything I can imagine.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope after breaking off from a manipulative relationship? I just want to get back to feeling like me again, but I don't know how. Thanks for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!
Sounds like you are in a bad spot at the moment. He is using all the manipulation techniques that worked with you previously. Please read the TOOLBOX for coping strategies.
It might take you a while to feel normal again, be patient with yourself. Other than your mother, do you have support? A friend who will not be his flying monkey? A counsellor? Therapist?
The worst bit for me was to accept my part in the relationship - how I had allowed him to isolate me and how I had accepted all his weird rules - and that in spite of having an uneasy feeling about it. A lot of work on myself was required to find out why I had allowed myself to get trapped in such an unhealty situation and what I could do to not repeat that. You have taken the first step. Please protect yourself and take good care of yourself.