Need to vent about SO for a change

[athene1399]

I need to vent a bit, but also want to know if I'm being unfair in being upset. I think some of you have been through something similar. BPDBM texted my SO to ask to borrow money for gas. He asked me what I thought, but I asked for his opinion first because sometimes I'm afraid he just agrees with me when he really doesn't. But I also feel it's his ex, so his decision. SO said that he didn't want to lend BM the money. I said that I agreed and gave some suggestions on how he could word that. Then an hour later when I was in the middle of something, he asked if I could read a text he was about to send BM which said the opposite of what we discussed earlier. He was going to give her the money.

I was upset that he changed his mind without discussing it with me. I don't know if that's fair. But he said he was changing his mind because he was afraid BM would get the money from SD18 if he didn't dish it out. I told him she was probably getting money from SD in addition to him because when she needs money she asks everyone. Then he was like "I don't know why she thinks I would give it to her and why she's even asking me" (Paraphrasing). I told him because every time she's asked in the past he's given in. He was like "No I haven't," so I gave two examples that he couldn't remember.  Then I dropped it for the night. But I explained today that I was just upset he changed his mind completely then sprung it at me.

So now the venting... Like I don't get it. I understand he wants to protect SD, yet he lets her stay there all the time when he's the one who technically has custody. We already drop off groceries every week, and it's being used to feed BM on top of SD (I do actually have proof of that). BM owes SO for SD's glasses from last summer because she tried to screw SO the previous time (it was BM's fault that SO had to pay out of pocket and she never paid him back for her half). Plus she's been out of work since January. It's not like she suddenly lost her job last week and now doesn't know what to do. We're going on five months here. She had a side job at first where she made her own schedule, then decided she just didn't want to do that. Like just stopped doing it altogether after a week. So now she has the sob story of no one will lend her money. Part of me thinks she's been saying that to more than one person. The other half of me thinks maybe it is true because she scams so many people so often for money they've given up. Plus her being in and out of work has been the norm for the past 3 years. Before that she was in and out of work for medical reasons. So it's basically the same story but with different reasons. 

I think I'm just stressed over other stuff, so it's getting to me more than it normally would. I just hate how she's always playing the victim. Her behavior is the reason why she lost her job. And now she's only applying for her dream job instead of just getting something to pay her bills. She's never going to change and the small amount SO gave her isn't going to change a thing. Except maybe her thinking she can get more from him next time. And here's more money he doesn't really have to spare that he can kiss goodbye on top of dishing out money for anything SD needs for school that BM can't help him with. 

[mamato3]

So now the venting... Like I don't get it. I understand he wants to protect SD, yet he lets her stay there all the time when he's the one who technically has custody.

If SD is 18, no one has custody of her anymore. That being said, with an adult child in play here, he should no longer be supporting her mom. That's pretty ridiculous IMO.

[Penny Lane]

Oh athene, this is so hard.

I think you're seeing it very clearly when you say that BM is asking for money from a bunch of different people and that your SO would do more for SD if he set some boundaries with her mom.

The hardest thing about being a stepparent, in my opinion, is that you see what is happening close up, you love the kid but at the end of the day your spouse makes the final decision. And that can be so, so hard when you disagree over something so major.

I don't think you have a BM issue here, not really. You have an SO issue. It sounds like you kind of know that.

Watching DH go through the process of coming Out of the FOG with his ex was incredibly painful and frustrating, and it involved a lot of fights between us. Ultimately I don't think all the friction really helped him - he had to get there on his own.

I think the best thing you can do is to set some boundaries with your own money, time and energy.

Like, none of your money goes toward BM's food (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (you know I have long thought that is crazy). Like, your money doesn't subsidize his portion of the household bills so that he can give his ex wife gas money. Like, if he's gonna give in to BM then don't ask you to help him write the wording.

Take care of yourself here. See if you can focus on other aspects of your relationship with SO and just kind of take a break from BM.

But I would ask, do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who seems to be prioritizing his ex wife (at least financially) over you? What boundaries would YOU need to have in place to make that livable?

[athene1399]

Mamato, We've asked the L before about this and he said it's up until 21 unless SD lives on her own, which she will be doing end of the summer. Then she will be emancipated. Maybe that varies per state? But in all reality, would the courts change the custody agreement when there's no reason why SD can't live with us? Like we could support her just fine at our house. I wanted SO to ask his L if we could say something like "you can stay with BM after you graduate, but we will not be dropping off food. If there is no food there, feel free to stay with us. But we can't pick you up all the time to just go out for dinner. It's too expensive." Initially it was SO's idea to stop the grocery drop-offs after graduation. And I noticed the past month the food list has doubled (red flag that more than SD is eating it) and BM posted on FB the other day the meal she ate of the food we bought (giving no credit of who actually supplied to food of course). But now SO's like I think I want to keep giving the food (as of last night anyways).

Penny, I have started boundaries this year and it's been great! I'm not contributing to the food. If SO wants to do that, it will be coming from his pocket. And this is the first time he's given BM money directly recently. The last time was last June. But he pays a lot for SD, which I haven't been doing this year at all because it was for a lot of extra stuff that I didn't agree with. So it's been all him. And with the money he gave her this morning, I asked him if BM was home when he dropped off SD from school or was she out working since he gave her gas money to work? and SO said "NO!! She's still home! (paraphrase)" so he may not give her any money anymore. She said she needed gas money for the side job, but is still at home. So if I had to guess she's probably going to use it to take SD out to dinner, because that's usually what she does.

But the weird thing is SO is Out of the FOG. He knows she's manipulative, yet always gives her the benefit of the doubt because of SD. I told him before BM knows this and will use it to her advantage. But he falls for it every time. Or he's too afraid she'll start WWIII if he doesn't help her out. That's a part of it too. He just needs to let what will happen happen and leave BM to deal with her the consequences of her own actions. I do love your idea of if he wants to give the money, then don't ask me for help with the texts. 

At any rate. I think we will talk about this again. Figure some stuff out (like better boundaries). Maybe contact his L and make sure there's no legal consequences if we stop dropping off food.

[Stepping lightly]

hi Athene,

DH and I keep our finances completely separate.  Not one penny of my money goes to BM, it all comes from DH's bank account.  I say this because, at times he is asked for extras, and it is really helpful for me to just not be involved or know of that decision.  He makes his choice, does what is best for the kids, and I really don't need or want to know anything about it.  I know she's taking him to the cleaners on some things, but....honestly...we are trying to stay out of court. ..and it is the cheaper option.

You may want SO to maintain the finances in regards to BM and just leave you out of it.  If your input isn't going to weigh much, ignorance is bliss!

[athene1399]

That is a good suggestion. If we don't agree on it, I really don't want to know about it because it's just going to piss me off. I think he regrets giving money to BM each time he does for one reason or another, but then he's always guilted back into doing it. And it's not a lot of money that he gives her, but it's enough to make me mad because I know she's just manipulating him. So maybe I'll tell him if we agree to disagree on that, then I'm not helping you word the text and I don't want to know about it. It just gets me fired up because I like to keep things fair and the scales are constantly tipped in BM's favor when it comes to who owes money to whom.

We didn't get the chance to talk last night ,but I did suggest he think about financial boundaries. I told him I felt that BM is just teaching SD to take advantage of us financial and we are letting her because he sets no limits. But I told him he has to at least discuss with SD how much money he is willing to dish out each month. And if things are to change when she starts college, he needs to give her the heads up. He can't just spring it on her when she asks for something. SO keeps telling me this won't continue when she's in college and I'm like "maybe you should let her know this now so she can prepare?"

Part of it is he feels he needs to overcompensate for BM being so unstable so he pays for whatever SD asks. He had limits in place the past two years with buying new clothes and stuff, but since this is her senior year all that's gone out the window.  I tried to tell him that SD can still do the fun senior things, like prom, while finding cheap solutions but he decided to set no limits on the cost of the dress then nearly had a heart attack when SD told him the price. lol That was a fun "I told you so" moment.  X2 when I told him what the dress alterations would cost and he didn't believe me.

I just feel this is the only thing him and I don't always agree on. Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in what everything costs. As a kid I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents to buy a $200 dress for me. SO said it was the same way for him. So like I said, I just think he's overcompensating but it's not necessarily helpful for SD to not have limits.

[mamato3]

I just feel this is the only thing him and I don't always agree on. Maybe I'm just too wrapped up in what everything costs. As a kid I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents to buy a $200 dress for me. SO said it was the same way for him. So like I said, I just think he's overcompensating but it's not necessarily helpful for SD to not have limits.

I actually think $200 for a senior dress is really good!! Getting through senior year financially supporting your child is completely reasonable I think. After graduation - not as much.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Athene,

I think this is normal.  BM issues are the only things that cause uncomfortable discussions with me/DH.  I have taken the stance that he is going to do what he thinks is best, and he really does make good decisions.  I may not always agree with his decision, but he also understands BM's maneuvers much better than I do, he lived with her after all.  It's his circus!  That may sound terrible, but it's what works for us.  We tried to have me involved in the decisions/knowing the details of the garbage BM was throwing at him- it almost broke me.  Through desperate tears one day, I said, "I just can't know this stuff anymore."  I felt such a lack of control, because ultimately it is HIS decision on how he reacts.

I think setting a budget for SD makes sense.  I don't think she needs to be cut off completely, but she needs boundaries and this is a great place to show her how that works.  It also teaches her financial responsibility, and how to make decisions on when/how to spend her money.   I wouldn't feel bad about being wrapped up in what things cost, it directly impacts your life and what you are able to do. 

We actually have the opposite problem with the kids/money.  BM plays the poor card (even though she is not poor).  She has taught the kids they should feel guilty every time they spend money because that money should be used for something more helpful.  So, when we try to buy the kids clothes we will often have a battle- "I don't want to buy anything",  "it's too expensive".  But...they do need clothes, so I just buy them and tell DSD "it was way on sale".

[Penny Lane]

I totally agree about the budget. And I also really agree about this being normal. DH and I have spent a long time working on communicating well about this stuff and it's definitely still a learning process.

Lately I'm trying to follow Stepping Lightly's example and really back out of it a lot. We used to argue all the time because I felt like (like you and your SO) he was making decisions that actively made the situation worse. And I'm glad he stopped - to be totally honest, I would not have married him if he kept up the enabling relationship he had with BM when we met. But now, even though he's gotten so much better, the reality is that DH is often faced with two (or several) bad choices. I can talk to him about the pros and cons of each option, but I feel like he has all the tools to make a good decision. So I'm trying to just say, okay here is the limit of how much energy I'll spend on this, here's what I think but I support whatever you decide to do.

I agree with you, he's making the easy decisions that aren't necessarily best for SD. But at the end of the day he's her dad and he gets to make those decisions, you know? It's kind of like with BM, you can't control what he does you can only control what you do. You could drive yourself crazy (which I almost did) trying to get him to see it and he still probably won't.

It just sucks! It sucks for you, it sucks for him, it sucks for SD.

[athene1399]

SL, I sound like your BM with money. I'm always afraid to spend, so sometimes I don't know if my views about how much to spend is realistic or not.  Our BM is an impulse buyer and frequently uses the excuse "it was a good deal" to explain why she spends more on stuff than she should. I'm hoping if we give SD a budget she will learn to make her decisions and weigh her options when money is tight. It worked well in the past, but like I said SO stopped the limits for some senior things he wanted SD to enjoy. But that was his choice.

It almost sounds like SD does scold BM about her not having money. So maybe she is more conscious about money than I originally thought. BM made the comment that SD is taking on way more "adult responsibilities" than she should. I almost panicked, assuming this meant that SD was paying BM's bills. SO asked BM to clarify and she said something along the lines of "SD is concerned about how I am paying my bills..."  It just made me feel that BM is trying to put this on SD, like "how dare she ask me about this" when it's a legit worry. Should SD have to worry about this, no, but in the current situation where she is choosing to live, yes. It is a concern.

I guess I feel better about the dress. Thank you, Mamato! I just borrowed mine from friends when I was in high school so didn't spend anything. And I used my allowance to buy the ticket. SO is buying SD's. I just got nervous when SD said the dress was "such a great deal..." When BM says that she spends 5 times the money she should have on something she didn't need. I need to realize that SD is her own person and not a mini-BM. BM tries to enmesh her, so I get so worried. Probably too worried. She was brainwashed in the past (parental alienation), so it concerns me probably more than it should, but maybe not (this is how  my brain works. It does frequent 180s about things I'm anxious about. I'm always on the fence about if I should worry or not).

At any rate, SO regrets lending the money. BM told him she had no one to turn to as no one will lend her money. Then we find out her aunt and mother are paying her bills for her. So I guess they count as "no one".  Hopefully this sticks in SO's head for next time when she wants something extra. I know it shouldn't make me feel better, but the "I told ya so" moment really did improve my mood. 

And thank you, Penny. I guess I never considered using radical acceptance on SO's decisions.  And SL, I don't think it sounds terrible to say "it's his circus". He made some bad decisions in the past and he recognizes that, but it's ultimately him who has to live with the consequences (and SD by default). I can choose to worry about certain things if I want to, but ultimately it's not my problem. I've told SO if BM can't pay her bills, that is not our problem or even our doing. He's concerned with how this affects SD, but SD can live with us any time. We can only do so much, and doing too much isn't helpful either. SO can choose to find his balance, how he should walk the line with BM, or he can do stupid things and immediately regret them. That really doesn't have anything to do with me right now either.